The white city v6 by Maxl lahnu (critique requested)

The white city v6

Chapter 0 
How did i get to this point. How did i get where i am with my sister and friends about to be frozen to survive the upcoming battle... how did things go so wrong. Is it something that could even be stopped.

I guess we should start our story with a brief introduction to some important events that had transpired long before i was born... roughly... 83 years ago with my grandfather and how he got the survivors of my race off our doomed planet. It was the year ust 14244 (universe standard time based on the awakening of most life) and my people were enjoying a calm and prosperous life on our homeworld veska a small world teeming with resources unique to it. 

My people were the s'vol a race that resembles the earth squirrel greatly except we share a bipedal "humanoid" build and have razor sharp teeth. We are a vampiric species which had garnered a lot of negative attention in the past but people eventually realized we meant no one any harm. Still some old rivalries and unfortunately bitter enemies did exist. Particularly with the Cytral people. Now the cytral are a race of catwolf like people stuck in a technologically advanced middle ages. Well despite the fact that most are still tribal and they are not as closed minded as people were... you know what that was a bad analogy. The weird thing about them is they have this strange ability for "magic" and they have a surprisingly small amount of internal organs. The worst thing for my species was that the cytral were pretty hard to fully kill or it seemed that way. If they die they keep living until they run out of this magic. Though as i had read alcohol is dangerous to them as they lack any way to filter it.

Back on point because of all this the leaders of both sides had agreed to a truce that looked to be a new leaf of this pointless conflict. And it seemed that way for years there was prosperous trade and some of the cytral helped us with defense... first mistake we made.

The king had decided much to his sons dismay that we were a stain on the universe even greater then the resistance of his rule. He ordered the guards to slaughter everyone. They except a few who dared defy their king who threw down their life so that some of us could survive. The cytrl were relentless in their attacks they were bombing cities, firing into crowds, and destroying all they saw. This started setting off the Verskatite. These crystals stored massive ammounts of energy and if damaged they release it all at once. Now very shortly after the escape vessel took off there was a chain reaction killing cytrl and s'vol alike anihilating everything around them. These explosions reached the core and soon the planet itself was wiped from exhistance all debris vaporized. Our ship survived but was heavily damaged.

A population of several billion.
Became a population of less than one hundred over night.

We crashed on a massive and beautiful world teeming with life and as it happened also shared a few resources with our old home. The reptilian natives of this world were friendly and offered us aid they didnt particularly look like any creature. Now these guys the y'rsa were smart. I mean REALLY FUCKING SMART. They helped my grandfather build up a home for our people and a small town to accomodate what was left of our species. They built a grand lab with us which we had called stone helm lab. This lab consisted of a living quarters uptop a grand overlook to the massive dinning table we graciously shared with our hosts a wonderful animal research lab to the right and a grand kitchen to the left. In the back there was some pieces scuttled from our old ship to provide power to our home.

Externally we had a elevator that led directly to the main lab where my grandparents had spent quite a bit of their time. And we even became spaceworthy again making small trading vessels out of old parts of our ship and newly fabricated components. Most of these were even still running till... recently. My grandfather had taken the verskalite core from the main ship broke it safely for all these ships and imbedded the final shards into stone and they started growing and being harvested for more technology.

It was all good till a plague had broken out hurting our new allies much more than ourselves they were dying quickly. My grandfather would do anything for these people and so he did nothing for a whole month but try to cure it. He was on the verge of giving up when he finally figured it out. It wasnt natural and definitely our fault. These crystals occasionally emmitted dangerous waves of energy. My people were used to it but unshielded it leads to a painful death. We had found a way to contain this afterwards and made a new strain less efficient but much safer, Easier to handle, and MUCH less volatile. 

Now this is when my grandfather had started planning the white city. A monument to what can happen with cooperation. This city would keep those inside of it safe and be the building blocks for a much more advanced universe. I guess its time for a proper introduction to my grandparents my grandfather Ven von Graun was about 5'5" had red eyes and gray black fur even when he was young he was a friendly if occasionally grumpy man. My grandmother Lin Veka was a little older then him she had silver and pink fur and deep pink eyes. bizzare by even our standards she was apparently beatiful and unfortunately like my grandfather i never met her i only know of them from stories my mother and father had told me.

Ok back to the story. Almost 20 since we arived on the new world which the locals happily named new verska in our honor. A strange humanoid robot crashed down. Now i wont spoil it now what it was but this project consumed my grandfathers spare time when he wasnt working on plans for the city. This... thing he was baffled by the things it said in its half slumber. It had inspired him to work on a new type of energy using a unique property of  raw verskalite he was able to break small holes in reality centered on these crystals and extract energy from other universes. The downsides of these protoypes was merely they were made too early. When running with universal temporistics there needs to be many universes making this kind of power source at once. He happened to do something inconcievable. He made a wholly unique action and the device couldnt even power its own containment field and quickly destroyed itself resealing the rift.

As time went on more and more rifts existed to tap into and this power source became more powerful. A few months after the first core collapsed lin became ill. And another few months after my father Kel von Graun was born. Not much happened for a long time my dad met his love Kasey la Vast at 16. By now the white city was already inhabited and far into construction. This city was split into four districts. the main tower that is in the center, The hangars and science labs which takes one half of the surrounding ring, the factories and workshops taking a quarter, and finally the residential district which took the other quarter ring. There was a medium tower in the four corners of this large circular structure that served as defense and in time an army of mindless robots.

When my father was 19 lin died from the unknown illness. This effected everyone around them greatly it was a very sad day. Everyone took it differently where my father used his grief constructively and pushed forward on the white city he in essence lost both his parents at once because his father... he secluded himself in his lab. They rarely saw eachother as ven had been working on his project. And for the final days of his life he had everyone leave his lab and he sealed it entrusting its key to a eytrl a close cousin of the cytrl but alot more catlike in appearance who took it to his village to the east of the lab. Ven died in his lab with no fanfare by choice. He didnt want to have his son feel any more grief.

In the meantime while this was going on the cytrl... or rather a resistence group had landed to the far northeast in the frozen dessert where they set up their winter fortress. This CRA or Crowned Resistance Army came here because this was very far away from the king they loathed and feared planning their attack. They basically gave no fucks about us and didnt even know we were here.

without someone to keep them in check the crystals that were planted by ven started growing fueled by his death. It consumed the long abandoned trading post directly behind the old compund in which the lab was located. It became known as the crystal forest because of the frankly beautiful formations it had started to grow into abd due to the strange reality bending nature of the crystals it changed the sky around it. Luckily these were the safer variety and it became a popular tourist attraction gaining much needed money for the completion of the white city.

my father started getting into the business of making and selling technology founding extra vehicular operations company EVO for short. There was a certain ellegance of our craft that people loved and well we made money. We made so much money selling to everyone. Weapons, armor, vehicles, robots and other forms of technology. This was the final financial push needed to finish the city. In truth the money we gained was rediculous so much so that he had funded the creation of a new univeral currency that saw quick adoption almost universe wide. At some point a young y'rsa by the name of doctor basvol laval became an employee of EVO his groundbreaking work in the way of ai helped create the second generation of robots called the knights capable of making decisions they were able to be an effective crime stopping force in the city and defenders outside of it aswell. Then came the helion units that were able to switch between the two that served as a form of swat unit. Then the ka0 house robots with a much friendlier appearance for doing housework and other tasks that the knights and helions werent good for. And finally he made the six mk1 bigarms construction robots that finished the construction of the city in its entirety. This massive city that sat as a monument of cooperation and good faith. The towering behemoths were reassigned many times and assisted with every construction project to date all except two that were destroyed.

I was born a year after the city was completed. My name is vollin von graun i was a small 4'3" S'vol who was colored like a red squirrel with bright green eyes. My parents allways told me i was a prodigy. I was walking and talking by 2 months and i was tinkering by 3. I was their entire world i just hope i made them proud. Well when i was six the CRA came over and we forged an alliance with them. My father was very concerned and at the time i wasnt sure why. When i was 16 i met a guy i really liked his name was Hiro Demark the child of the CRA leaders. We had really hit it off and saw eachother alot and this is where i learned the bad history of our two peoples. And it grew from a friendship to a relationship. We were inseperable.

-End of Prologue-

Chapter 1

I spent a year going back and forth from the white city to the winter fortress i woke up happily at hiros side. it was time for me to go back home after a short vacation. It so happened that his parents had something they needed to do there and we decided it would be a good time for me to go home. Hiro being the gentleman he was helped me pack and we headed out and i exchanged pleasentries with his parents that have since become nothing more than vague ramblings in my mind. After we ate we left on a stolen imperial "beetle" transport. These things were basically a heavily armed shell with four legs. This one however was equiped with quite a bit of luxury comforts and had been heavily modified to fly. Not the most outwardly graceful vehicles but was effective like most Cytrl Technology.

After about 3 hours of movement which was impressive for a planet of roughly 99604 miles in diameter though the trip was about... i wanna say only 5886 miles... so we must have been going roughly 1962 miles per hour... this isnt particularly important information though is an interesting fact nontheless. Well when we arived me and hiro immediately ran off to find my parents. Seing as how they spent most of their time in the main tower they arent exactly hard to find but this city was massive. We eventually ended up just exploring the main district seing the shops the smiling people of all species foreign trade. We saw many things and after about 5 hours we headed into the central tower district there was little development here and it didnt need to be. Its taken up by a sole tower but thats not giving it justice this towers scale was ludicrous the area surrounding it was big enough to accomodate a whole bigarms robot length wise (roughly the size of a medium skyscraper on its side). Inside was a large and very busy room containing the reactors access area the elevators up aswell as the sealed maintenance elevator going down to the depths of the reactor.

We had gone up to the second floor where a massive circular table surrounding the reactor and the main computer. There was a screen wrapped around the core so that everyone could see eachother during a conference and there was little drones buzzing around recording data and working as defense if need be. The floor was made of a composite sorelite glass making it durable enough to hold all the weight that was put on it dayly. We then went up to the main ring this is the only one thats particularly interesting because it is multipurpose and is a required stop to get further up the building thanks to its inwards slope going up. In the first quarter was the lounge where people relaxed during break, then theres the bunks, the computer room where we uplink to the main server, and finally the cafeteria. The cafeteria and the first lounge both had an elevator that went to all the other floors.

The rest of the tower was mostly offices until you reach the top which is a large taurous with two offices attached to each side one for my father and one for my mother. My fathers office was practicle and most of it can fold up and reconfigure itself to fit his needs. My mothers was made of that super reinforced glass and had many bookcases along the walls. Her office always scared me as she kept that floor perfectly clean at all times with nanobots and it was basically invisible. They were happy to see me the looks on their face was amazing every time i saw it.

We all went to my home. My home was in a more suburban area where alot more small houses resided ours wasnt small by any means but it also wasnt huge enough to where we had alot of empty space. You would walk into a living room with a dining room next to it and a large kitchen and a guest room off the side to the right was our staircase leading to our rooms i flopped on my bed and smiled. It is always great after a long trip to fall onto your own bed and sleep comfortably... not that i have that luxury anymore given my current predicament. More on that later. This was the first time hiro had been here and despite our massive kitchen we decided to go out and go to a nearby diner where we talked. The parents left for home before us letting us enjoy desert together. 

From surviving security footage i kinda gathered what happened while me and hiro were eating... my parents were cleaning the house. Hiros parents snuck in after them and and killed them both. Stabbed through the chest and gutted over the table their lifeless bodies were dragged to the bed where hiros parents changed and got ready for their lies... i knew none of this at the time...

me and hiros date was interrupted by a call from his parents. They said they were going to visit my parents and found them dead in their bed. Hiro ran with me over there and i fell to my knees crying i was so numb alot of the events of the next six hours was a blur when i came to i was asleep in a bed aboard the beetle with a knife to my neck hiro was chained to the other wall and badly bruised. This chain was poorly made fortunately and hiro was able to get free and incapacitate his parents and we both walked outside. I started crying again i was too young to lose my parents. What came next was somehow just as bad and worse when compounded by the loss of my parents. Apparently while me and hiro were out having fun his parents were sabotaging the city several explosions went off and a few hro flying beetles came in and started attacking the tower.

thanks to kinjahl and basval a majority amount of people escaped but the ones who didnt... was my entire species. The main tower unleashed a massive wave of energy vaporizing the entirety of my race and anyone who still resided inside the city. So many lives lost in an insane couples quest for poinless "revenge" for me dating their son... this was... something i never could have concieved homophobic cytrl... and going so far as exterminating all that ever was of my people... just to get back at me...

art this point i stopped thinking my sadness turned to rage and i blamed hiro for everything. He didnt deserve that. He tried to approach me to comfort me in any way he can. In return i beat him senseless and left him bleeding on the snowfield. Luckily he got inside and patched himself up... im not sure what became of his parents but they were never seen again. And honestly that was a good thing...

i wandered going as far away from the city as i could. Occasionally looking back at the ruins and the refuges way back there. I saw the beetle for a split second as it flew past me. After two days of walking i collapsed on the ground. A nice family of etryl had taken me in and had been tending to me for about a week. I was apparently near the old lab and the ship that my race flew here on. These people werent the brightest so i helped improve their source of power using a old evo tank broken down nearby. For some reason they had been using old coal generators. Miniturized efficient steam engines and couldnt make any other form of energy. Either way i was taken in by this family and over time i grew comfortable here. I had a sister now she was and is a bit eccentric but she always knew how to make me laugh. We grew close as a brother and sister should. We got in trouble together we got to be kids.

2 years past i was now 19 me and my sister rose had been fixing up the old tank and now it was fully functional again. More than anything i wanted to bring back what my parents had built to fix the white city. In those two years the tower sheared itself in half and had fallen into an outer wall and the deadly energy expanded outwards. The containment had finally failed completely and was close to our location if nothing was done about it we would all die. And i was not about to lose another family.

Every past attempt to either re contain the energy or disable the reactor had ended in death all i could do was watch from my lookout. We needed something important from my grandfathers old lab it was the only way i could save my family... and i guess i saved everyone else too. Rose she had been wearing the key the whole time and so we went and started working on the final preperations.

End of Chapter 1

Chapter 2
-Betrayal Part 2-
Im Rose L. Khava. Im a rose pink etryl with dyed black hair. My mom and dad were farmers and we all lived in a large town in the plains surrounded by icy deserts. Im told im energetic and sometimes annoying i think they just dont want to have fun. About 22 years ago we found a battered and dying ... what were they... the squirrel things s’vol? Well we found him lying with a layer of snow on him. We got him home quickly and luckily we were able to nurse him back to health. My mom and dad had decided to adopt him after he explained that he had just lost his parents when that city exploded. I wasnt quite sure what to think at first despite having siblings they were all adults now and i wasnt used to having any other siblings around.

At first i was wary of him but i guess we just clicked. He told me more about what had happened and he tried to work to repay us for our kindness... he well... he wasnt suited for it... like at all... its quite amusing to watch. Hehe he just wasnt conditioned to it like my people were. Well even though we didnt wantr anything from him he kept insisting on helping us. Oh boy his face when he realized that our village was powered by coal. It was a look of confusion amusement and almost pity. In hindight it was kinda funny. He scavanged a long abandoned tank that was in a clearing two miles away. He had me help him haul back this core thing and he installed it in our power house he took some kind of crystal from it and put it in the ground.

My people arent the smartest aparently because vollin had helped build us more effective hunting tools and better storage for it. I mean seriously we were powering our village with rocks for years. To think that this kind of technology was so closr this whole time... vollin he told me stories of this white city. The more i heard of it the more i wanted to go. He brought me to a hill that had a clear view to the city... or atleast what was left of it. My heart sank i thaught id never see the amazing things he told me about but he assured me itl all be ok one day hel bring it back.

One thing really bothered me... there was this bright cloud flowing across the ground out of the city killing all life near it. On that hill we had a perfect vantage point to see a small craft fly into the cloud and it tore itself apart i dont think anyone survived. The worst part was that this cloud was drawing nearer and nearer. Vollin spent the next two weeks planning and calculating and we watched many failed reclamation attempts... all ended the same way with everyone involved dying. Vollin had a good idea a old evo hazard suit would be able to survive for some time in the cloud. The problem being is that the only known suits were either destroyed in the initial blast or caught in the haze.

Since these suits were old technology vollin had theorized that atleast one suit probably existed in his grandfathers old lab. And we couldnt make more because aparently the materials were “incredibly rare to non existant on this planet naturally” as he said. He also said they originate from his lost homeworld which i guess proves what he says to be true.

Now youd think after all that planning hed go immediately and save the day but... no. He didnt see it as much of a threat atleast not yet. He wasnt ready to face what happened. I had managed to pull him away from his “work” and convinced him to actually be a teen. Me and him found a mutual enjoyment for earth board games he was particularly fond of senet and chess. Needless to say i had no chance to win against him hes kinda smart hahahaha. When it came to sports i kinda kicked his ass hard he atleast then definitely wasnt an athlete.

His romantic endeavors during that time were um... hes definitely not the romantic sort. Not saying noone liked him he just wasnt good at yknow anything romantic hes also very un trusting. This led to quite a few breakups and honestly... he never seemed to even be upset its like he didnt even care. In hindsight he probably didnt after what had happened to him.

This cycle continued for about a year til his 19th bithday which he apparently shared with me this being my 20th. He insisted that no one throws him a party. Of course we didnt listen even if thats not his thing he enjoyed it regardless. It always struck me as odd that he hated vegetables he ate meat almost entirely. He tells me he needs blood or something close enough. So for his birthday we had gotten him a recovered chemistry station and my god we didnt see him for a week. That lil squirrel loves his science.’

another uneventful year passes and our birthdays a week away. Vollin cut our preperations short seing how close the haze had gotten to us. It was time to enact this plan of his. He spent the last month fixing the tank and using this crystal he grew as a replacement power source it was still in bad shape but it functioned just enough to do what he needed it too. He started asking about this key thing which my father had informed me was the necklace that my grandfather passed down. I informed him of this and we were off towards this “old lab”.

End of chapter 2

The white city v6 (critique requested)

Maxl lahnu

29 June 2018 at 15:05:20 MDT

The sixth time rewriting this story for some reason im able to include more on here then sofurry

The cover art was made by my very best friend beast hes the best

I want some pointers for when i redo all this and start over as im unhappy with how its currently going

I want criticism i want to know what im doing wrong

This was 4 seperate documents that i combined into one

Submission Information

Literary / Story


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    Adding some background details should help it look nicer.

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      Thank you very much i was starting to think noone would say something

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        Making the figures lighter with some glow or highlights should also help. When they are lighter than the background, they stand out and details can be seen better.

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          Not my art my friend beast drew this for me for the story
          I wrote the story hahaha

          Sorry i was confused i didnt realize you had been talkin about the art

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            I don't do reports, they are a lot of work.