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WCBN Health Special - Critter Cramming by Matt

WCBN Health Special - Critter Cramming

WCBN Health Special - Critter Cramming

Matt

WCBN's junior reporter Madaleine Albright reveals the disgusting practice of Critter Cramming that is destroying rodent morale across U of M's campus.

This report is from summer, but the season of squirrel pain is still upon us.

Ann Arbor, Michigan.

School's out for summer, and it's not just the freshman who put on the pounds.

It's the squirrels.

And just like freshman they have become the targets of drunk frat boys.

There's a new craze sweeping across campus called 'Critter Cramming' and it as sick as it is intriguing.

The night begins at dusk. Under the cover of twilight a horde of fraternity brothers surround an unsuspecting tree.

Here the horror begins.

The squirrels are lured down from the branches by reggae music and playful clicking sounds. When the squirrel is inside the can, the lid is put on and the helpless captive is whisked away at speeds approaching 8 mph.

Once in the basement of the frat house, the squirrel is force fed various types of hallucinogenic acorns until it's completely... nutty.

When the gorging is complete, the squirrel is as wide as it is long. It's then let loose in the diag and made to scamper through the delirium to the laughs and screams of the frat bastards.

The squirrel's trip will only last about 4 hours, but losing the excess acorn weight can take a full month.

Mary Sue Coleman is school president as well as an avid squirrel weight enthusiast. There's no doubt that the recent run of rodent rotundity has been noticed during her eye-watching.

I broke into her house to find out more.

Submission Information

Views:
375
Comments:
5
Favorites:
1
Rating:
General
Category:
Multimedia / Speech / Reading

Comments

  • Link

    This was highly informative. I shall spread the news about critter cramming.

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      For the squirrels.

  • Link

    This is fun, albeit a little nutty.

  • Link

    Informative and entertaining all at once? What is this?!

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      Fictional. But it was fun to write and direct.