"And there you have it! With strict adherence to the Eat Me-brand diet and exercise plan, you've gone from a pudgy puma to a mountain of a mountain lion."

"Don't these exercise plans usually take longer? Like ... more than an hour?"

"... well ... it's like they always say in fitness: don't worry about the timeline, just work toward your goals. And now look at you -- you couldn't be more statuesque if I turned you into stone!"

"... please don't."