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The Case of the Tabloid Incident by Leo the Tiger

The Case of the Tabloid Incident

The Case of the Tabloid Incident

Hi, this is Cripto again. By definition, people today use the word “celebrity” to refer to human beings always in the public eye, regardless of why they are famous. The preferred word for furries that are in the public eye a lot is “personality.” Part of this has to do with the connection between previous human bigotry defeated by the musical furries, but the main reason is that furries tend to live in a culture of their own and yet be in the same culture as humans at the same time. Furry personalities (in Wildcat City, in particular) also do a better job than celebrities as a whole when it comes to staying out of the news. They don’t want any scandals attached to them, nor do they want to be in any tabloid magazines. I’ll guarantee you I don’t.

Somehow I managed to make the cover of one tabloid magazine, appearing alongside the rest of my band. The headline read, “FURRY FURY: THE REAL REASON THEY ARE #1.” The story was about how our band formed and became the number one furry rock band, but when it got to the part where how the group decided to pick me as the lead vocalist and guitarist, it was twisted around. Instead of the real story, the article pictured me as a tiger looking for a way to boost my ego, and I picked Furry Fury because I wanted innovation and something new, even though it wasn’t anything new. The article also told a bunch of lies behind the story of my life leading up to that point. The real story was simply that the band was forming but felt that they lacked a lead vocal. They came across a legitimate news story on me, heard how I could sing, and said, “We’ve got to have him!”

The public knew it was all lies, but they wondered how I would handle it. They also wondered if Leo the Patriotic Lion would be angry about it. When the press asked him about it on live television, he said, “Tabloids, ladies and gentlemen, are always full of lies. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was another way for you to lose your life if this was Kriegland, which it isn’t. Tabloids are also for humans and only humans because they involve only humans. So the answer is yes, I am angry and my blood is boiling. However, I must be professional, because I am a G-52, and formerly the commanding officer and drum major of the U.S. Lion Corps Band. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Cripto decided to sue the people for libel. He won’t win, because it’s a tabloid. The best advice I can give you all is to just ignore it. For all I know, it could be another lame hypnosis plot on Bendraqi’s behalf. I may be wrong about that, though. If I had my way, which I don’t always, all the stores would remove it and dispose of it.” Stores that heard this got right to work, and in fact, began throwing all tabloids in the trash, seemingly understanding Leo’s views of purity were what was best for everyone. I think they were just overreacting, to be honest.

T2 couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw the tabloid with me right before a store clerk grabbed it to throw it away at a supermarket one day. “Yo, bro; look at that!” he called, and I ran over to see what was wrong. “Did you approve for them to put you in that?”

“No, but that’s tabloid magazines for you. It’s all gossip, and almost none of it is true. Anything that is true is often told in a dirty and satirically hurtful tone. That’s the experience I’ve had with tabloids, and why my parents never wanted me to read them.”

“I agree. I ain’t reading it!”

“Leo did speak to the press and nation on live TV the other night, so they are getting rid of it. He says he wouldn’t be surprised if Bendraqi’s hypnotic poisons are in there.”

“Only one way to find out.” T2 whistled for one of the store clerks and asked if he could have a copy, not to read, but to take back to his lab located in the basement of his house. Along the way, we bumped into Leo, and later, Super C, both of whom were wondering if being in the tabloid upset me. “It does,” I said, “but I’m not going to let it bother me. Instead, I’m going to help speed up the process.” I snapped my fingers and the city’s trash trucks all got to work double time to collect all the tabloid junk. I also waved to those that waved to me, since I was in my black rock star clothes and I had my sunglasses on.

Inside T2’s basement, there was the typical things you’d expect: a pool table, a ping pong table, an “L” shaped sofa with a rounded curve in the corner, a big screen TV, and a soda bar. In another room was all his lab equipment, guarded by a spectacular security system involving green lasers. He pressed the numbers on his keypad to disarm the system, then led us inside.

“Pretty awesome, huh, bros?” he smiled.

“If you’re referring to the lasers, then my answer is ‘yes,’” Leo replied. “How do you do it?”

T2 took the copy of the tabloid and placed it under one of his microscopes. Then he grabbed his goggles and looked through it. “Whoa, I don’t remember that,” he said. “I know old nutso fatso usually colors his poisons green. This is dark blue.”

“Let me see,” I said, taking a look. “That’s the same shade of blue on the Scottish flag. According to what I heard from Captain Cripton when he and Rat solved the gasoline mystery—petrol to them—this same color was in the gasoline, so the drivers would accept their propaganda. I don’t see what putting me and the band in a tabloid has to do with getting America back under the control of the British, though. Maybe the devils don’t want us to come to the UK, and this is the summer we do so. In less than a month, as a matter of fact, we leave for there.”

“Well, it is a good thing then that I asked the stores to clear their shelves,” Leo replied.

“Oh, yeah. In fact, they’re getting rid of everything considering a tabloid. I think they’re going to ask for more crossword puzzle books and stuff like that.”

T2 took the copy and threw it into his trash can before lighting a match to burn the copy so the hypnosis would be erased. After it burned, he immediately put the fire out with his extinguisher. “If those devils don’t want you and the band around, bro, my guess is that they’re paranoid of you,” he said. “The other day when I took my awesome bike over to the UK, I heard the Captain say something about them being paranoid of you. They liked you better when all you could do was snap. Now you can do that and a whole lot more, and oh, man; it still pumps me up just thinking about it! High-five; you the tiger, bro!” T2 and I high-fived one another.

“Indeed,” Leo added.

Super C called the Captain on his communicator, and the Captain confirmed everything. “They feel that since he’s also Cripto, he’s going to put them to their doom, so they’re doing all they can to keep him out of Britain. But it’s all backfiring on them; the story about the tabloid has upset the British public very deeply, because they are looking forward to seeing Furry Fury perform. Every one of that band’s albums sold out in as little as five minutes, and people are still waiting on orders to come in. They know you’re Cripto as well, Cripto, so they promise to respect you and not stalk you or anything like that. Some of them also still think I’m going to leave them behind and bring Leo in, but that’s a different story.”

“Tell your fell Brits I am not going to pound them with my anger, Captain,” Leo replied. “That’s all behind me now.”

“I will, Leo.” The link broke off by that point, and outside T2’s house came more press reporters, but they wanted to talk to me. “How did you know I was here?” I asked.

“Someone saw you and told us, but we promise to keep this as brief as possible,” said one of the reporters. “Also, this isn’t live, but later on for tonight’s newscast. It pays to shoot plenty of B-roll footage. In the meantime, what have you discovered?”

“T2?” I said, motioning to him.

“It wasn’t Bendraqi at all. The hypnosis had the same shade of blue as the Scottish flag. This means the Glaswegian Devils were attempting to keep Cripto out of the UK.”

“They don’t like your band, Cripto?”

“I don’t think so. The British public are going fanatical over Furry Fury at the moment. I think they want us there more than they want their country to perform well considering London hosts the Olympic Games this year, 2012. Fingers crossed; hope the USA can take home the gold there.”

“Same here,” Leo added.

“Does Captain Cripton know about this?” asked the reporter.

“Yes,” said Super C. “In fact, he’s in search of the devils right now.” Then his communicator beeped. “Oh, excuse me.” He stopped the beeping and answered. “Hello?”

“Hello, this is Firefox. Alas, me country is subject to a bad name with those devils, but we rounded them all up and put them back in prison. They confessed they wanted Furry Fury to stay away, for all the same reasons you’ve been telling the reporters.”

“Oh, somehow my communicator turned on and stayed on, so he was listening in. Sorry about that,” I said. “But there you go, ladies and gentlemen of the press. I hope that answers all your questions.”

“It does, thank you very much,” the reporter replied as the press left to return to their respective newsrooms. We decided to celebrate as we always do at Maximum Mighty Melt, knowing very well all the problems were solved, and all was taken care of. I was looking forward more than ever to our big UK tour, and I’m sure the British were just as much anticipating our arrival. In return for our performances, they were more than willing to show us around to all the big tourist attractions in the UK, so I made a mental note to bring my camera with me.

Since that day, no tabloid has ever featured me or any friend of mine, or any G-52, ever again.

THE END

The Case of the Tabloid Incident

Leo the Tiger

Back when overreacting was a problem, Cripto and his band, Furry Fury, made the cover of a tabloid magazine. When Leo speaks about this, all supermarkets and places that sell these magazines start throwing them all in the bin.

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