HOW DO USE PHONE

I think this is a phone anyway, it's got a screen, and it flashes, is this what you little ones call the mystical world of 'Candy Crush'?

I stole it from the Superbowl when I accidentally squished the stadium. And the pitch. And the surrounding area. Look there was a lot of squashing a'ight.

If anyone can help me figure out how this new tech works I /might/ not sit on you

(Note that this is pretty much an impossible promise)