the dog (a dream sequence) by Faydyn (critique requested)

the dog (a dream sequence)

It was going to be a busy night at the Black Rock Inn. In just a few hours the first of four hundred scheduled reservations would be arriving. The head chef had tasked me with portioning the salmon that had been delivered earlier that day. I grumbled, fileting fish was certainly not my strength, and I was once again lagging behind. " you done yet! " Marcus one of the line cooks barked. I laughed nervously
" Almost, " I lied and continued on. It took me over a half hour to yield forty portions. I gave the sheet pans of salmon to Marcus and he began to sear them. Marcus laughed " hey lighten up " he said, " I remember when you first came in here as an intern fresh out of school. You have come a long way. When I was hired here as a prep chef like you I was no better. I smiled and thanked Marcus. I waved to Maria one of the waitresses who had just arrived. It was then that I remembered, Luis the pastry chef had asked me if I could make a small batch of honey walnut bread for the cheese platters.
I decided that I should get started before it got too late. I went to the walk I found the yeast in a small container. I paused momentarily and breathed a sigh of relief, it was pleasant in here compared to the heat and general clatter of the kitchen. I returned to my work station, I pulled out my notebook with the brad recipe I needed. I had the yeast and milk all I needed was the flour, walnuts, and honey. I walked the pantry and retrieved the enormous bin of bread flour, as I passed the can room, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, there was a clattering noise from within I figured it was Luis organizing the canned goods. I set the bin of flower on a work bench and returned to the pantry I was looking for the jug of honey, it belonged in the pantry, but occasionally one of the dishwashers put it in with the cans for some strange reason. I was about to give up and check the can room when I heard something strange, there was a low guttural growl from within the can room. I passed by the can room and glanced inside. I gasped at what I saw inside and dropped the jug of honey. I would have screamed, but I was far to terrified too. Inside the can room was a dog, or at least what used to be a dog. The Hairless perversion that stood before me was covered in crusty scabbed skin that was sliding off in gooey clumps exposing the weeping mussel tissue underneath. Thick rivulets of spit oozed from its maw, it stared at me with its rheumy eyes and continued to growl It was almost impossible to tell what breed it had been before it's hideous transformation, my best guess was either been a rottweiler or a doberman because of its size. I calmly backed away, I was overjoyed that id did not follow me into the rest of the kitchen. I could still feel my heart racing.
" How the HELL did that thing get in here? " I asked myself. I went directly to Marcus, he was busy sharpening his knife.
" Um, marcus, " I said nervously, I could hear the pure terror oozing from my voice "I think you should come look at this"
"What's wrong? Are you ok," he asked "you look like you've seen a ghost".
"Easier to show you, because if I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me" I said. I lead Marcus to the can room. The dog was still there oozing blood spit and god knows what else it looked at us with its yellowed eyes.
" What am I supposed to be seeing?" Marcus asked.
"You don't see it?" I said incredulously
"See what?" Marcus asked, "you sure your ok? Listen I don't have time for this, and neither do you there are 400 people coming for dinner in three hours, get back to work! "
Marcus left me with the hideous creature. It growled and leered at me. I quickly returned to work, I started de-veining shrimp, trying to take my mind off off the hideous creature that was now sitting in the can room. "How come he couldn't see it?" I asked myself "am I the only one who can see it?" I quickly finished with the shrimp. I could hear Marcus telling Luis and maria about the dog Maria giggled She whispered something to Luis and he started to laugh. The walked up front to the bar I overhear Maria saying " I always thought that kid was a little off, but this is serious, I think he needs professional help." A jolt of rage shot through me, so they think I am crazy, so be it who needs them anyways. There was suddenly a shriek from the front to the restaurant. All of the others working In the kitchen stopped what they were doing and rushed outside, I followed close behind. Everyone stood in a circle around Maria, I gasped, her arm was covered in strange sores,
"It looks like some kind of allergic reaction like hives," Sarah, one of the hostesses said.
I returned to the kitchen and continued to work, I was trying to forget what had just happened. Suddenly there was a strange sensation against the back of my legs I looked down and was horrified to see that the dog had walked in through the kitchen door, it headed towards the can room leaving a trail of blood, spit and puss. It paused momentarily and looked over its solder and snarled at me. It then resumed it's residence in the can room. I knew that it had caused Maria to break out like that. They had called an ambulance for Maria, the boils had continued to spread up her arm. By the time the paramedics arrived it was on her face. One by one the others returned and resumed work, I looked at the clock, there was only two hours left until service now. I Started to help the dishwashers, Suddenly Luis swore, "Not me too! " his leg was covered in sores like Maria.
"The hell is going on ?"
"I am telling you Marcus I saw a dog in the can room and it skin was all covered is boils just like that, what if it's caring some kind of disease?" I said
"Shut up, your not helping!" he snapped "Why don't you make yourself useful and get the first aid kit, I am going to need to bandage this."
" We better hope it isn't flesh eating disease," Luis said "We all could be infected"
I looked back at Marcus and ran to the pantry where the first aid kit was clipped to the wall, as I entered the pantry the door slammed behind me and the lights went dark. I tried to open the door and was horrified to find that it had been locked from the outside. Outside there were several terrified screams. I sat alone in the darkness, for a several minutes, there were strange crashes and several more screams. Suddenly the lights flickered on and the the door clicked open. I walked outside and was terrified and confused by what I saw. The kitchen looked like it hadn't been used in ages, there was a thick layer of dust on everything. All of the refrigerators were unplugged and the walk ins were empty and turned off. I .walked out the back door of the restaurant and was shocked to find that the facade and all of the windows had been boarded up. The entire property looked like it hadn't been used in decades! Suddenly a puppy darted out from the open crawlspace, it was a doberman. It sat down at my feet, it appeared to be grinning from ear to ear.
"Did you cause all of this?" I asked it.
It looked at me and tilted its head it stood up and ran into the nearby woods and out of sight

the dog (a dream sequence) (critique requested)


29 January 2014 at 20:00:00 MST

away you disease infested monster

bad dream i had about one of the restaurants i worked in all of the characters are based on co workers i had at the time (their names have been changed

none the less that restaurant is awesome and all of the employees are like a big family

image credit: Google images

Submission Information

Literary / Story


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    Holy buckets, this was kinda creepy, in a cool way. I'm not much of a writer, but this was entertaining to read, good work.

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    My first guess on this is a fear of contamination shutting down your livelihood, as having some disease coming into a place like that could do that, I assume, in a restaurant business. Looks like maybe there was also some worries about your ability/acceptance there, and possibly some attitudes about ex-coworkers. Maybe worries about your own sanity/if there really is a monster-under-the-bed no one believing you and being unable to do anything besides watch destruction rain down on everyone (helplessness mixed with horror). The dog seems like an agent of the plague, type of Death, almost like Masque of the Read Dead infiltrating the party of that nobleman or whatever he was. This has the eerie quality though for me it wasn't intense, I may have felt the lightest chills in my right knee-area at some point.

    As a matter of communication or continuity: "I could hear Marcus telling Luis and maria about the dog " unless I missed it I didn't see it actually communicated to Marcus /what/ was seen in the room. This statement implies that more was said than was in the dialogue, but I had to stop and think and check the above text to see when this happened, and it was a moment of immersion breaking.

    Caught one editing error: "the brad recipe I needed."

    I would type more but I need to give the portable "internet-box" to my dad.

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      yes indeed i do indeed believe it was the fear of us being shut down. Also it was the fear of not being able to find new work. I wrote this while i was unemployed. The restaurant this is based on was an awesome place. Working there was like being a part of an enormous family. I was very upset that i was laid off. The thing that still bothers me about this piece is Louis......he is based on a co worker i had(we are still friends)....he was the sous chef (assistant chef)....... The next job i got after i wrote this story was a nightmare..... my supervisors name at the new job was LOUIS..........................i feel like i had a premonition.........every day i worked there i felt my sanity begin to slip retrospect i conciser this piece to be semi-prophetic

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        I have have extremely unsettling things happen with names as well as extremely good things happen with names O_O