My fiance' took his life on July 15th of 2012, a day I will never forget, but a day I'm determined not to have died on myself. My grief has taken me many places as I have processed it. The fandom has watched me curse this man, cry over this man, scream at this man, love this man, and try to forgive this man through my art and my journals.

Mephiz was a passionate person, which is was both his ultimate curse that lead to his death, and the greatest gift he ever shared with me that lead to the one thing he swore kept him alive. Of all things Mephiz believed in it was that the world could burn, that it can be overwhelming, painful, and cruel. This is where we differed the most as I believe that while the world may burn at times that's it's in a process of renewal, that people as a whole are actually very forgiving, and that pain never lasts.

I tried to feel his pain, if only for a few minutes as Fossil cut deep into my flesh branding me with a green (his favorite color) skunk paw print on my shoulder. I believe that I felt his pain, his grief, the searing hot blade that came down on him while it was happening. The thing was, though, after about a week... it stopped hurting as it healed over.

I realized that grief is sort of a bitch of a process, but it does begin to pass eventually, leaving us changed forever. I can't say I'm 'over' his suicide, I don't feel as if I have 'moved on', and at times I'm over whelmed by my grief still, often breaking down while drawing commissions or seeing a skunk fursuiter.

One of my favorite quotes from a strange little song called 'Behind the Clouds' is "thinking that your luck won't ever change, is like thinking it won't ever stop when it start to rain". Of all things that can be said about me few will argue that I am above all two things; hopeful and resilient. Considering Mephiz's death came just after my Grandmother's (likes week apart), one week before my miscarriage, and days before the one year anniversary of my college mentor's sudden death, and I'm here talking to you - fuck yeah, I'm a tough little purple wolf thing! And MANY MANY other survivors can also say this. (Maybe not the purple wolf thing part, but you get me...)

That being said, as a very wise man once said to me after I came to apologize to him for my best friend having not thrown me off a cliff "Now go live life because you are, in fact, not dead!" (there's a story there...)

K, done babbling now...