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Brighter Days by DoodlerBee

Brighter Days

DoodlerBee

I was really unsatisfied with my first attempt at this, so here's the improved version. (The background, the colors, and the anatomy in the first version were all poorly done, tbh...)


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Getting Personal
Growing up, I was always miserable. I lived in an abusive home, surrounded by physical and mental abuse. I spent most my days hidden away in my room, hoping to avoid a confrontation with my family. Yet when things got violent between my older brother and mother I would put myself in the middle to protect her. When I think about it, my childhood and teens are full of incidents of me taking care of my mother and big sister, whether it be trying to talk down my angry big brother or helping my sister with her kids.

I didn't have anyone I could really depend on, so I suppose it's natural I couldn't figure out my identity. I did what I thought I was supposed to. I dated a guy a few years older than me because he was the only one I really knew and I thought I was supposed to have a boyfriend. He would say things like how I was the only reason he didn't kill himself... I felt trapped in a relationship I wanted no part of.

I loved hanging out with him as a friend, though. It was a lot of fun to go over to his place or go out to movies, but once dating was added in things always went bad. I say always because we broke up several times but he'd always ask me out again once we started hanging out as friends.
He was really my only friend at this time, so I always caved to the pressure.

When I was 18 I moved in with my sister after she had a massive falling out with my mother. I became her live-in nanny while trying to go to college and get a job. Things got a little better, but I still wasn't happy. I spent most my time on the computer while I lived with her, discovering the world of roleplaying. Slowly I made friends. My sister would criticize me over how much time I spent on the computer, but it was the only way I could talk to friends. Roleplaying with my friends was the main thing keeping me going.

During this time I met Gwenny-Eve. We became good friends, eventually reaching the point that'd we talk on the phone together often. She shared some personal secrets me, including her dysphoria (although I didn't quite understand at the time.) I was never that close to anyone before and was crushing hard. Eventually, I revealed this (in a really stupid, roundabout way) and she asked me out.
I ended up helping Gwen understand her identity without even realizing it at first. I didn't understand she was transgender until she asked me to look up information on it (afraid her family would find out if she researched it herself.) I'll be honest, I was really thrown at the time, but it didn't change anything. It's funny that the first "man" I ever loved was actually a woman.

I had already figured out I was asexual when I was younger, but it was thrown into doubt due to relationships. Living with Gwen led to me knowing I'm asexual for sure. I also figured out I'm polyamarous early on. Our relationship has helped me figure myself out more over the years.
I consider myself demiromantic since I only develop strong romantic feelings for my friends. I also know I'm not attracted to men, although I'm not sure if I'm exclusively attracted to women.
I figured out I'm agender after reading a post about how being transgender doesn't require having dysphoria. It just clicked and I quickly figured it out after that. Admittedly, I do have a bit of dysphoria (I've always hated having breasts,) but I didn't consider it that at first.
I only just recently figured out I'm grayromantic. Although I love Gwen deeply, most of the time it doesn't feel romantic for me.

Well, I've rambled long enough. The point of this is... Well, I like to overshare :p But also, life gets better I guess? Sometimes it feels hopeless. Actually, a lot of the time it feels hopeless and pointless. But I'm happy. I've grown as an artist, I've made so many friends, and I'm finally figuring myself out.
Life is good, I guess.

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