Chapter 22

There is always a choice.

I've heard the phrase more times than I care to think about: 'I had no choice.' It's a blatant lie. It's better to say instead of 'no choice,' you made the least harmful one. In situations like that, the outcome of either choice is far from ideal, but sometimes you have to make the choice that helps the most and harms the least.

Stepping in to save Tila and Richard from Torin and his minions had been such a situation. I knew the moment I cleared that hedge that there would be consequences. However, it was either that, or watch as the Shatlia did gods know what to my sister...something no person should ever have to witness.

The true consequences of my choice didn't come until a few days later. During that time I did my best to carry on as though nothing had happened. At work I kept my head down and said very little. During my training sessions I did what was expected of me...no extra flair, no feeble attempts to perform beyond my abilities just to impress him. In short, I grew rather humble. It wasn't that I was ashamed of what I did, but that didn't mean I had to go out of my way to draw attention to it.

It was on the fourth day that the knock came. It was early in the morning, and was less a gentle knock and more a panicked, rapid-fire set of loud raps. Even before I heard our names being called, I knew it was him.

Te'Ki and I disentangled ourselves and quickly donned some clothes. As I approached the door I could see Te'Ki move off to the side and begin to tense up. She was preparing herself in case the person on the other side of the door had less than friendly intentions. I let my claws extend and my ears lower as I too prepared myself for a potential fight.

The 'attack' came the moment I unlocked the door and pulled it open. It wasn't so much a swing to the muzzle or anything, but more an old man pulling me into a tight embrace. I reeled for several seconds before I realized it was Grandfather. I returned the embrace hesitantly, still trying to process just what in the name of the Seven Hells was going on.

"Y...You fool." His voice was cracking and heavy with emotion. "You brash, impulsive, unthinking, wonderful fool. You...you saved her."

We broke the embrace and Grandfather hustled inside. Te'Ki was on the door moments later, doing a quick scan outside before closing and re-locking the door. I wasn't one for keeping alcohol in the dwelling, but there was still a near-full bottle of wine left from a previous day. I poured him a glass as he sat at the table. "Here," I said. "It might not calm your nerves completely, but..."

"Calm my nerves?" he asked, his tone growing more excited. "By the gods, Dalan, I should be toasting you with the finest champagne in the land for what you did." He lifted his glass in salute before downing the contents in one very un-Clan-like gulp. "Do you have any idea the repercussions of your actions, Grandson?"

For the first time since that incident, I began to doubt those actions. Yes, I had saved Tila and Richard from the Shatlia, but at the time I wasn't thinking of what would happen afterward. Grandfather was right; I had been impulsive. Attacking the Shatlia in the open like that was bad enough. That their leader was a Rondoki made the situation all the more precarious.

"I...I don't regret my choice," I finally said, trying my best to sound confident and no doubt failing miserably.

"Nor should you," Grandfather said, pointing his finger at me. "It's high time those whelps met their match." His excited tone was at the same time infectious and unnerving. He seemed almost manic with joy, which made me wonder if his mirth was genuine, or if he'd gone screaming off the deep end of sanity.

"Grandfather," I said. "What...what happened?"

"What happened?" he countered. "What happened? Your father and Alexander found Tila hovering over Richard like a protective mother, and around them no less than six Shatlia near dead. That's what happened."

"I..."

"Tila and Richard said little about their savior, though they did mention the eyes and the voice," he continued. "And thanks to that person's...intervention, Tila is safe."

"Safe from what?" Te'Ki and I pulled up seats adjacent to him. Grandfather leaned across the table. I could visibly see his mood shift from joyful to serious...conspiratorial.

"Lars is growing desperate," he began. "The Council is growing more concerned that the Ka'al P'ack has not shown up anywhere." I retrieved the bottle of wine and two more glasses. I had a feeling it was needed. "It is rare when none of the Council's shadier contacts can sniff out something so valuable. The odds are against it disappearing the way it has."

"What about Tila?" I asked. "Why were the Shatlia trying to take her? Their leader said something about it already being decided."

Grandfather snorted. "Delusional fools, the lot of them," he said. "The 'it' in question was the idea of holding Tila for ransom?"

"What?!" I began to growl lowly, but stopped when Grandfather raised his hand.

"By his word," he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "she would be returned to the Clan when the true depth of the Kalamar conspiracy was revealed."

"Conspiracy?"

"Lars' latest accusation." He poured himself another glass, then filled ours as well. "He's fixated on the notion that we 'stole' the Ka'al P'ack ourselves, and have been waiting for the right time to sell it. Your 'exile' was allegedly our way to insert you into the underworld so you could make the necessary connections with a buyer...hopefully one not under the watchful eye of the Clans."

I nearly spat out the mouthful of wine I had. The utter absurdity of Lars' claim was nothing short of insane. Me...barely an adult...a middle-man for a clandestine art sale? It was ludicrous. I was about to laugh until I thought about Tila's part in all this. Had Torin succeeded in taking her, and if she was indeed going to be held until this 'conspiracy' was revealed...what then? What if no conspiracy could be proven? Would they simply keep her, or would they...

"They would have killed her," I growled.

Grandfather nodded. "Yes. Even if it was just to save face, they would have covered her murder up as an escape attempt once their accusations were shown to be false." He took a sip. "Mkio would probably be taken next and the same scenario would play out." He shook his head.

"How...how could they be so cruel?" Te'Ki asked, shocked. "Is it not enough that they hold so much influence over the Clans, that they have to bring innocents into it?"

Grandfather shrugged. "Who can say?" he asked. "The Ka'al P'ack has been in his possession for so long, perhaps he feels as though part of him has been lost along with it. Or perhaps some of his own alliances hinged upon his keeping it. Influential as they are, the entire Midnight Fang Clan is still largely a mystery these days. So little is known what lies within their estate's borders, that what we perceive as mere insanity may have its roots in something far deeper than we can speculate on here."

"So what happens now?" I asked. "Is Tila safe?"

Grandfather chuckled. "I believe she will be. Word of a L'au Tari loose in Karalla City will give them pause...hopefully long enough to ensure our Clan's safety and for the Ka'al P'ack to be found." He shook his head. "Still bothersome though...how could something simply disappear like that?"

"What if..."

"Hm?"

I looked over at Te'Ki, who nodded her consent after a moment. "What if it's not missing?" I asked. "What if someone's hiding it?"

Grandfather's eyes widened. "What do you mean?"

Te'Ki and I shared with Grandfather the conversation we'd had only a few short days ago, about how we believed the Midnight Fang to be behind all of this in an effort to save face and keep the Ka'al P'ack to themselves. In truth I could feel my resolve behind it falter as I repeated it, but I was determined to let my elder...former elder...know everything we'd talked about and contemplated.

As we finished our story, Grandfather leaned back in his chair and craned his neck toward the ceiling. He stayed there like that for several minutes before finally letting out a breath. "It is sound," he said softly. "Wild speculation to be sure, but no less valid than anything else I've heard about this. Well done, you two." His smile was warm and genuine.

"Now that you know," I said, "what will happen?"

"As you said, there is no way I could approach the Council with this now," he replied. "However, your theory does have me curious. Our Clan may not be more than a family these days, but there are still ways to gain information." His knowing smile said it all.

"The Winter Stalkers," I breathed.

"They are still our friends and allies," Grandfather said with a nod. "I'm sure I could 'persuade' them to investigate this." He chuckled. "And if you're right...oh, the price the Rondoki would pay for interfering with your betrothal." His smile took on an almost predatory look. On anyone else it would have looked fine, but on someone I'd come to see as eternally benevolent, it left me feeling uneasy.

Grandfather finished his wine and then rose. "I should go," he said. "Doubtless the Council's lackeys are pounding on our door, demanding my presence." Te'Ki and I also rose, and after a round of mutual embraces he opened the door. Before he left he turned to face me once more. "Stay out of sight of the estate for a while, Dalan," he warned. "Lars will no doubt send someone to try and ferret out whomever it was that attacked those Shatlia. I will do what I can to keep them away from this place, but I can only do so much."

"I will, Grandfather," I said. He nodded and closed the door. I quickly locked it and sat back down at the table. Some would think I was relieved, knowing that there was even more hope than before for my situation. After all, if the Winter Stalkers did indeed discover the Ka'al P'ack on the Rondoki estate, the repercussions for the Midnight Fang would be tragic to say the least. I would be cleared of all wrongdoing and welcomed back into the folds of my Clan with open arms.

So why didn't I feel so much like celebrating?

I felt Te'Ki's hand on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I looked up at her smiling muzzle. "Everything all right?" she asked.

I covered her hand with my own, eliciting a gentle purr from her. "I'm not sure," I said. "I mean, I should be doing cartwheels and backflips right now, but for some reason I just feel...I guess...empty."

"Empty?" My beloved cougar straddled my legs and sat facing me, her arms around my neck. "Dalan, this could be your chance to get your honor...your family back." She leaned in and kissed me. "This whole nightmare could be over for you, and soon. Not many exiles have that chance."

"I know, but what am I going back to?" I countered. "I mean yes, those first few months as an exile were hell, but now? Now I have a good job, a roof over my head, and my only obligations are those I choose to take on. I'm not bound by things like Clan protocol, customs, or other such matak." I placed my hands on her arms. "And I have you...the only true light I've had in this whole thing. Knowing what I know about the Clans now...seeing what we've seen, how can I strive to return to something like that?"

"How can you say that?" she asked. She didn't move to get off me but I could tell her mood was beginning to change. I saw her ears begin to lower and her entire body language radiated a growing agitation. "Dalan, at any time some Clansman could burst in here and slit our throats. Some days when you leave for work I leave this place and hide in the woods for fear of such a thing happening. You call that freedom...free to be slaughtered alone in the wilderness?"

"Then we won't stay," I said. At this her ears perked right back up. "The job pays well enough, Te'Ki. Maybe the Foundation can help us get a place in the city. All they would find here then is an empty dwelling. And given enough time, I could get us hired on with a starship. We could leave this place, Te'Ki...you and me, starting over some place where the Clans or the very thought of an exile is unheard of."

I must have sounded as manic as Grandfather as I spilled the details of my plan to Te'Ki. I explained how advancing in my job could land me in the right company to find a way off this world. It would take time, but I was convinced that it was the best plan now. How could I return to a life that was so artificial? Beneath the veneer of Clan nobility and prestige lay a machine that fed off the blood of politics and subversion. How ironic that such an 'honorable' society was propped up on a heritage of dishonor, deceit, and depravity. Why would anyone want to live like that?

When I finished telling her my plan, she simply stared at me, her head cocked to one side. I could tell she was trying to process everything I'd said. Looking back, perhaps I did lay it on a bit thick, but at the time I couldn't help myself. I was so determined to get us away from the ugliness of Clan life that I could no longer be subtle. At that moment, Khrasa's allusion to a 'third option' to my condition was the furthest thing from my mind. All I cared about was getting Te'Ki and I away from this insanity.

"But what about Tila...your family?"

"I..."

The gods were surely laughing at me at that point. With one simple question, Te'Ki had taken my nice, simple plan for us, and made it infinitely more complicated. In truth, it wouldn't have stung as much as it did if it weren't for the fact that she was right. By leaving Bengalis, my family would be left at the mercy of the Rondoki. Even with allies like the Winter Stalker Clan to support them, my family wouldn't stand a chance if Lars was truly bent on wiping them out. Moreover, if Lars somehow became head of the Council, both the Winter Stalker and Black Rose Clans would be under his authority. They would be honor-bound to obey his command, even if that command meant they turn on those they deemed friends.

I felt myself deflate in the chair. I knew there was no way I could ever truly leave this world, not with things the way they were. Even if the Ka'al P'ack was found and the Rondoki exposed as the perpetrators, it would never end. They would continue to threaten, coerce, and bully their way around the Clans in their quest for power. Their political game would continue and those on the wrong side of them would ultimately find themselves thrown to the underground machinations of Clan society.

Unless someone stopped them...permanently.

But who? Who could stand up to an army like that?

Te'Ki closed the distance and kissed me again. I weakly returned it before she buried her muzzle in my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and simply held her, wanting so desperately to just shut my mind off and revel in the feeling of the cougar I loved in my arms. I felt her purrs begin to resonate with my own and for those precious few minutes, nothing else mattered.

I don't really remember the next few days. I knew that I woke up, ate, went to work, trained, came home, ate, and went to bed. Beyond that I remembered nothing. The normally memorable details of day-to-day life - those things that you reflect on in your old age - were lost to me for those days. If someone asked what I'd eaten that day I could probably tell them, but I could never remember the smell or taste of it.

In a word, I was numb.

I wondered at the time if this was what depression felt like...a type of eternal, inevitable frustration from which there was no real escape. I felt like a bird with one leg in a trap, and while I could be free from it, the cost was too great. I wanted to leave...I wanted to take Te'Ki with me to the stars and leave all this behind, but to do so would tear a hole in my heart. However, to save myself from that hole, I would be willingly putting my beloved cougar and I in danger every single day. What kind of life was that for her...for anyone?

I wanted to hate my family...to despise them for forcing me into this position. Why couldn't they be a force to be reckoned with like the Rondoki? Why couldn't they stand on their own and not have to rely on alliances and friends to aid them? Why did I feel some sense of obligation to them when they basically cast me aside like so much trash? What in the name of the Seven Hells did I owe them, or hope to gain from being this anonymous guardian angel for them? Why couldn't I just turn my back on them like they turned their backs on me?

They were weak...complacent...unworthy of any respect, yet I couldn't let them go, could I? No...that would be too easy. It would be so much simpler if I could just write them off the same way they did me, but my conscience wouldn't let me be. Every time I thought about it, my mind would suddenly fill with images of my time with them before my exile...before this whole nightmare even started. Once that happened, the thought that someday...someday I could be welcomed back into the fold cooled my anger at them. It would remain cooled for a time, then it would build again only to be cooled again. On and on the cycle continued, each time driving me further and further into a funk of indecision.

I did my best to put on a brave face during that time, but thinking back I don't think anyone really believed me...at least those closest to me. At work all they cared about was me finishing my assigned tasks without getting myself hurt or killed, so they were the easiest to fool. Khrasa wasn't so easily placated, but I still did what he said and maintained a decent win/loss record in the sparring sessions. That kept him from asking what was really wrong with me for the time being.

Te'Ki knew immediately there was something wrong, no matter how many times I insisted that I was fine. She let me use the excuse of 'I'm tired' or 'I had a bad day at work' for the first two days and let it slide, but after that she became increasingly worried. After letting the subject drop for the evening, I could still feel her gaze on me when she thought I wasn't looking. When I would raise my head to meet her eyes she would quickly turn away or focus back on what she was originally looking at. It made for a few uncomfortably quiet evenings, but at least they were bearable to start with.

I knew something had to give sooner or later. It was inevitable; I would either have to resolve this inner conflict, or my body would resolve it for me. I could feel the weight pressing down just that much more with each passing day. My heart ached to be rid of this...this indecision, but I couldn't do it. To save one I had to hurt the other, and I couldn't bring myself to do so. Protect my family, or save Te'Ki. Both were equally precious to me. Both were a part of me.

I needed them both, but I couldn't have them both...not the way I wanted to.

Two weeks before school started, I knew I wasn't fooling anyone anymore.

Allister called me into his office not ten minutes after I arrived for my shift. He bid me to take a seat and for the first time in I couldn't remember in how long, I felt my whiskers begin to twitch. Had I been found out? Did he know I was an exile now? Would the Shatlia be breaking down the door in mere moments?

I did my best to remain calm as I took a seat. Allister took his own and leaned forward, his elbows coming to rest on the desk. "Mr. Kain," he said, folding his hands, "do you know why you're here?"

"N...no sir," I said, trying my best to keep calm. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No," he replied. "Well, not yet, anyway. However, I have been receiving reports from your supervisors that your performance and you attentiveness has been...well...for lack of a better term...sliding as of late." He leaned forward even more. "I know you are not so naive as to not know the consequences of a lack of vigilance." I nodded. "You have been a veritable breath of fresh air to this place since your arrival, Mr. Kain. I have come to rely on you to get the jobs I assign to you done, but as of late you seem distracted. Such distraction can be dangerous in a place like this, moreso on the spaceport side. So I need to know, Mr. Kain...what's wrong?"

"I..." What could I really tell him? The truth? Losing my job would be the least of my worries then. A lie? He'd most likely see through it.

"Are you in trouble?" he asked. "Do you...owe someone money?"

"It's nothing like that," I said. "I've just...a lot of personal things have come up...related to my parents. I thought I was done with it all a few weeks ago, but things are just getting worse. It's nothing bad, Mr. Krang, but it is something I have to deal with. It just...won't be that easy."

"Family tragedy is never easy," Allister said. "Otherwise it wouldn't be a tragedy, would it?" He seemed to relax a bit, which eased the twitching of my whiskers considerably. "Up until now you've been an exemplary worker, Darien," he said. "And I want that exemplary worker back again, so as of now you are off for the next two weeks."

"Two weeks?"

Allister held up his hands. "That should give you plenty of time to sort out whatever it is that has been chipping away at your resolve, and let you come back to us good as new." He smiled slightly. "Consider this your vacation time, Mr. Kain. Take some time, get your head firmly re-attached to your shoulders, and come back when you are ready."

I leaned back. Not having any monthly obligations except for food had made it easy for me to amass some savings...more than enough to make it through two weeks of no income. I wasn't worried about that. What did worry me was having one less distraction keeping me away from the decision I had to make. In truth the last thing I needed was more time to just sit and brood, but it didn't look like Allister was giving me much choice in the matter.

Finally, I nodded. "Thank you," I said evenly. "I'll get this whole thing resolved so it's not a problem anymore." We both rose and he extended his hand.

"Glad to hear it, Mr. Kain," he said. We shook hands and I turned to go. Despite the circumstances behind this forced vacation, I couldn't help but feel a small smile twist up on my muzzle. Knowing that I was making such a good impression on Allister gave me just a brief reprieve from that pressing weight on my heart. I knew it wouldn't last, and by the time I made it home I would probably be just as melancholic as I was before the meeting. But at least for one brief moment, I felt just a little like my old self again.

I only wish it could have lasted just a little bit longer...

As the dwelling came into view, the feeling of dread returned with a vengeance. I could feel what little was left in my stomach begin roiling as the anticipation of another night of long, awkward silences loomed. I wondered if the reason it had hit so hard was because of that brief reprieve I'd received from Allister earlier. Perhaps that one moment of respite made me forget just how crushing my burden was, and now that I was nearing home, that burden seemed determined to remind me of its magnitude.

I realized in that moment that I had to do something about this. I couldn't take another sleepless night...another night of constant worry and indecision. I had to talk to her about this and accept the consequences of it, no matter what they were.

I opened the door slowly as usual to not startle her. I saw her sitting at the table, her muzzle buried in a book. She looked up from it and gave me a smile, which quickly faded. Normally I would have asked what was wrong, but I already knew the answer to that. I offered a thin smile in response and moved to take my shoes off.

"Wait."

I heard her get up from her chair and walk towards me. Wordlessly she took my backpack and placed it on the floor before picking up her own shoes. "We need to talk," she said, "but not here."

"Why not?" I asked. "Isn't here as good a place as..."

"You'll see," she interrupted. It only took a moment for her to be ready. She pushed past me and, grabbing my hand, pulled me back outside. Despite my mood and building sense of paranoia, I still couldn't help but chuckle as I moved to lock the door. That done, she grabbed my hand again and dragged me into the woods.

The place she ended up taking me was admittedly the last place I thought we'd ever wind up again. It was by the stream...where I'd terrified her with my eyes changing. Why did she want to come here? Why did she want to remind us of what happened?

She let go of my hand and found a clear space. She sat down, cross-legged, and bid me to do the same opposite her. When I was seated, she held out her hands to me. I gently gripped them in my own and waited.

"I know you're hurting, Dalan," she finally said after a long silence. "I've seen you grow worse with each passing day and it's scaring me. This past week, each day you left for work I wasn't sure if you were going to come back." Her voice was beginning to crack. "Please, love...tell me...what's going on?"

I looked away, blinking back my own tears. Knowing this moment was coming did nothing to relieve me of the pain of it. Knowing that she'd been the one to take the initiative didn't help things much either. If anything, it made me feel even lower than I did if that was at all possible.

"I wanted to run," I said finally. Four words...even with those four words I felt like all that weight had suddenly lifted off my shoulders. "I wanted us to run, Te'Ki. I want to hate them for what they did to me...to us."

"To us?"

"The Clans, the Tribes, the whole lot of them," I snarled. "I want nothing more than to leave it all behind and let them all stew in their own little game." Finally, I felt like I could look back at her. "I used to think this whole thing I was doing...the training...I thought it was for my family, but every time I think about it all I feel is they're somehow...beneath us."

"What do you mean?"

"They play their games," I said. "They put on their friendliest faces in public but secretly plot against each other behind closed doors. Every day is less about family and more about things like status or title. If there's a way to make someone look bad, they'll take it regardless of who they harm...all for what? What's it all worth?"

I felt her hands squeeze mine slightly. I paused to collect both my breath and my thoughts. Inside it felt as though a dam had burst...thoughts and words rushing through my mind with a tidal force. "I thought I had it all figured out," I said, looking back to her. "I thought it was foolproof, Te'Ki: Work hard, get in with the right crowd, and get us off this rock. But after...after what I did...I..."

"You can't leave them, can you?"

I sighed. "They'll try again. The Rondoki. Whatever Grandfather tells the Council, it will stop them for now, but not forever. They'll be back, and maybe next time they'll succeed. Could I live with myself knowing that I could have stopped them?" I squeezed her hands gently. "But to stay...to be that...I don't know what you'd call it."

"Guardian? Protector?" My gaze was drawn to her eyes. "Knight in shining armor?"

I couldn't help but smile at the last label. "To be that means staying here. It means waking up every morning just glad we weren't discovered. It means living this double life where we have to watch everything we say...we have to construct this whole other life and if we make just one mistake, it all comes crashing down. I can't do that to you, Te'Ki. I can't constantly put you in danger just because my former family is too weak to defend itself."

I looked away again. I could no longer look into her eyes; I didn't deserve to. All my resolve to keep her safe had crumbled all around me just because I had to protect someone honor-bound to shun me if she ever knew the truth. It was like saving the life of your rapist or bully, wasn't it? Did they really deserve my help...my very life...just so they would be protected?

Sadly, the only answer I could arrive at was yes. Tila was innocent. Richard was innocent. All my siblings were innocent. They didn't deserve to be pulled into this pit with me. My Father may have condemned himself by sparing my life, but he had no right taking the rest of his family with him.

I felt Te'Ki's hands slip from mine. A moment later I heard a rustling, and looked up to see her crawling towards me. Our muzzles met tenderly, and before I knew it she had pushed me onto my back, her laying on top of me. We kissed for what felt like an eternity, our purrs resonating over each other's body.

Finally, she broke the kiss and looked down at me. I gazed up into those amber eyes of hers and saw only forgiveness. She smiled once more...gods, how I'd missed it. "No matter what happens, Dalan," she said softly. "Know that I'll always love you." She leaned down again and our muzzles met once more, this time with that passionate, fiery abandon only two repressed lovers could possess. I heard her begin to moan softly, and I knew that before the night was over, this place would no longer remind me of how close I came to losing her.

It would remind me of how I found her again...or rather...how she found me.