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Void by CrazyPamela

Void

CrazyPamela

I had a weird dream.... and this is basically I had to write down very as fast as I can.
Three of my main characters basically had to talk some sense into me and trying to tell me, that everything wasn't my fault. Even though it was.
It was my fault, for not speaking up, it was my fault that I had to change my characters to the point they became pathetic in my eyes, it was my fault for not tell them how I actually felt when they referred me as "The baby" in the group. It was my fault because I didn't have the courage to tell them how they actually made me feel.
I never felt like I was apart of the group.
I felt like I was isolated from them because I was different from them. Regardless of what they said, it felt like they never actually listened to what I had to say.
It felt like I was just put on staged to entertain them and that was the only reason why they would keep me around... well it felt like that.
I wasn't exactly chatty with them and when I would try to talk, they would cut me off and I wouldn't try to cut them off, because I would find that to be rude... even though it was done to me quite a bit ^^;
In the end, everything was my fault, despite what Noodin, Creep, and James were trying to tell me in the little crazy dream.

I know I'm a terrible person and I now know who I am... I just don't know where I stand.
I use to wear this mask so people would like me... that was called Abby. She was playful, cheerful, and patient, people actually liked her.
So there was no point in taking off the mask if it meant I could have people to talk to.

The mask was suffocating, but I hated being alone, but I hated what I felt was necessary to stay in this group.
I hate the idea of becoming a follower, but if it meant I could feel like I was apart of something I was willing to do or saying anything to stay in the group.
So I made sure the mask was on at all times.
I basically changed my whole persona. Into someone I hated... and I have done this for four or five years.
I almost have forgotten who I was underneath the mask.
I hated myself when I use rp, I had changed my characters so much that I didn't like sketching them out anymore, just so the worlds dumbest rp could continue, and I basically have written down the dumbest sex sense EVER in that rp.
Is it necessary to bring that up, yes... Maybe...
Because of that scene in the rp, the person liked the idea of bringing it up to people I don't know, so they all could laugh at me..... if that wasn't the intention, it sure as hell felt like it, but nowadays it doesn't bother me thinking about it.
I just regret writing it down, simply because I misunderstood the events that were happening to the characters, and I basically shrugged and said to myself "So it's going this direction? okay, I'll write down stupid shit."
I know I could have written it down better, but I didn't expect the rp, to go for about... four years, although I told them I looked it up and copied and pasted it into the rp.

I had told them, if the rp actually turned out, I'll make it into a comic, I regretted to tell them that because it seems like the character had gotten more boring and it seems like I had to do the same thing to my characters.
I basically made my characters into stereotypes and I wasn't happy with that...And the mask was becoming worn out.

I'm a bitter person and I'm a very honest person on top of that.
I do have a sense of humour, I do enjoy watching stupid shows every now and then.
I wish I was honest with the group I use to talk to.
Maybe things could have been different.
Maybe things would have ended in a different note.
But it didn't I basically set ablaze the bridge and essentially told them to fuck off in the rudest way ever... I think.
This was like months ago.
But for the dream to happen today though... I felt that I had to sketch out what I could remember.
And I'm just gonna mention that I'm an emotional mess and a complete loser :XD:
So I'm writing all of this down, so people have an idea of who I am.
I'm also seeing someone about my problems, apparently, I have more than one problem, and talking to a therapist helps. ^^;
I apologize for the shitty grammar, my writing skills sucks and... I was in a rush because I didn't want to forget what was being said.
I know a lot more happened, but. I can't remember ^^;

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