Kyran's City by Coyttl (critique requested)

Kyran's City (critique requested)


31 October 2013 at 18:32:52 MDT

I don't consider myself a writer (or try to!), but this little story is the result of a long RPG game.

Not necessary to understand the story, but it takes place in White Wolf's "Exalted". Kyran - the 'speaker' in the story - is a Solar Exalted, and one of the first to be reclaimed from being an Abyssal. Sky is his Lunar mate, who sold her soul to a demon to have Kyran's soul restored.

The formatting is rather messed up - the parts that are 'greyed' are supposed to be Kyran (the figure on the dock) talking, telling his story. The non-highlighted parts is our unidentified listener. Google Docs apparently didn't like the formatting commands I used in Word. Feh.

Submission Information

Literary / Story

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    I really liked this story. From your thread on the forums, I got the impression that you're only a beginner, but this is very good.

    It can be really hard to keep a story interesting when it's mostly talking with little action, but you did a great job of it. You have an interesting plot, there's some great description in between the dialogue, and the whole thing flows really well.

    The formatting is a little weird, but I guess that's google doc's fault.

    • Link

      Hey! Thanks for the comment and reading, much appreciated! (Yeah, Google Docs seemed to really mess up the formatting. The Word file looks much better..!)

  • Link

    Well, I'm supposedly following you, so I'm rather surprised that I wasn't notified when this was posted. Anyway, it's fine piece, well-written and concise. I particularly liked the two narrative flows that finally unite in the end like the mouth of a river filled with dead corpses.

    That said, this is not a piece I'd comment on unless I had promised before, because I feel like I'm missing most of the context of the universe in which it is inserted and I have the impression important points are flying right over my head. It's only with a lot of toil that my slow wits managed to make a connection between the Old Mistress and Death and Oblivion from the beginning, but I still have no idea how this respawning process works, what's the Nexus and how Cory and Sky's ghost could exist at the same time. Oh, and by the way, thanks for mentioning Sky in the submission description, because I was confused when I encountered this name in the end and was getting mad at my dysfunctional neurons for failing to remember where did it come from.

    Well, last but not least, this story didn't remind me anything I had read before, hehe. =D

    • Link

      Hey Don -

      Thanks for the comments, and sorry for taking so long to reply!

      your comment about context is appreciated. One of the things I wanted to *avoid* - when writing this - was to have the reader know about the world. Folks that know the universe may get a little more out of it, but I wanted ANYONE to be able to read it and at least not be left with some gaping questions. Yours about the mistress and death is good. I will work a little and see about linking those together better. As well as with Sky's name. (For that - I honestly DID imagine that I had mentioned it near the beginning of the story - but rereading it now I find that I did not.) (And, Nexus is a city, a location. I will clarify that, too.) :)


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        I'm glad to help, but I'd like to apologize as well. I guess I got a little too frustrated with my own inability to comprehend everything, so the second paragraph got much longer and more negative than it should be. I mean, you're a good writer, and I'd hate if anything in my comment made you less likely to share your texts in the future.

        (btw, are your other tales related to this one? once i get more acquainted with the setting, i think the understanding of new stories will become easier.)

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          Nonono, no apologies necessary. Man, if that is you as agitated, you must be really pleasant when you're angry! :D And I appreciate it, means I have to describe the 'world' some more.

          This was a one-off shot (as far as it stands now.. you know, I can't tell the future. I'd like to tell the story of how Kyran (the speaker in the story above) ended up killing his love, but that's.. well, let's say that for an tabletop(*) RPG, that was the first time I cried. :D (* - No tables were actually used.) I'm not sure I'd be able to do that end scene justice...!

          • Link

            wow, sounds intense! I know it's a lot of responsibility to put on paper something that has a lot of emotional value to oneself, but I truly hope you'll manage to write it down, someday.