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Trans form by Cowboypunk

Trans form

Cowboypunk

So something super duper fun (see: not at all fun) about being trans is that a lot of us have to be on filter at all times, irrelevant of where you are in your transition. A lot of this is inferred and implied by more experienced trans people, and it’s definitely felt by all of us, but I don’t think it’s talked about enough. If not for the sake of those questioning or just learning their identities and the challenges they’ll face and not for the people who will never experience it and don’t know what we face.

It’s pretty known that a lot of our culture is aggressive and even violent towards trans people, much of which isn’t even recorded statistically so we can actually know how much danger our community faces. Not only do we have to be on edge around strangers or people who don’t know we’re trans to avoid accidentally outing ourselves by idly mentioning “when I was a [insert starter package here]…” or referring to functions generally rare with the sex we’re perceived as, but the sheer amount of ignorance regarding trans experiences means we have to be on edge around people who are even knowledgeable, loving and accepting of us. I can’t really be around my family, who are generally pretty rad about my identity, because they are always accidentally outing me, which is dangerous for me socially, and is just not great for keeping dysphoria at bay. My partner, who even also has very loose ties to gender, was recently weighing how he should talk about me to his mom whom is unaware of my transition; he thought he might describe it as a birth defect - a term that makes me, and I imagine just about anyone with variant gender identities, cringe at least a little because it basically implies that our identities are a wrong that should be righted. It’s a very invalidating and freak-show sort of thing to call an important part of someone’s personhood. By no means am I accusing any of these people of being malicious or lazy about learning, but a lack of understanding will be found in anyone, irrelevant of how close and well-meaning, and weird little smacks will come out of nowhere and are not uncommon because these are people who cannot possibly relate to our positions.

On top of that, there’s a lot of judgement and policing within our own community, like the rejection of non-binary genders and trans people that don’t experience dysphoria, or biases about how trans people should dress/pass and when/how/if they should transition. From other trans people. In a place, of all places, that should be a safe zone. The politics behind these issues are nuanced, mired in history and insufficient academic understanding, and can be extremely subjective, but that’s another conversation and none of it justifies active rejection or invalidation on someone else’s personal experiences, transition and identity, which I still see happen regularly.

I feel like being trans, even in a safe environment, is a lot like hiking in the wilderness. Even when it seems calm, you have to stay alert for potentially dangerous situations, animals, and weather. But unlike most hikes, you never really get to go to a nice safe town with a nice safe bed when you’re done being ready to bolt or bite.

This sounds like a pretty bleak way to see the lives of trans people, and I’m not going to pretend like I know some rocky path with beautiful sunbeams at the end where things will be better; I pretty much anticipate that this is just how life will always be for me, along with a lot of trans people alive now. But it is something you learn to deal with, and it is something that makes you badass. It makes you a social survivor with claws and hide and awareness cisgender people will probably never develop. Go be your badass damn self.

(Also funfact: each part of my doodle includes the colors of different gender pride flags. top fella=intersex; left fella=trans; right fellaangender; arrows=genderfluid; axes=agender; knives=nonbinary; background=genderqueer)


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Submission Information

Views:
424
Comments:
9
Favorites:
6
Rating:
General
Category:
Visual / Digital

Comments

  • Link

    As a transdude that only very recently fully came to terms with his identity after several years of second-guessing and struggling due to the fog of misinformation, conflict and "what a small subset of people think what is an acceptable trans person and what is not," everything that you said hits right on the mark. I'm still reluctant to put it out there in the open and to talk about it even with my closest friends, and don't even get me started on my family, heh. Literally only one person that exists that I can let my guard down around is the spouse, who is also trans. It's a great thing to hear that your family is cool with it though, that's one of the hardest group of people to break it to.

    Like you said, the mire of confusion that a lot of people have regarding it is usually not their fault and they don't usually slip out of malice, just simple ignorance. I think the wilderness allegory fits perfectly with how it feels though. This is an awesome, wonderfully composed piece to boot.

    • Link

      Thanks a lot!
      I feel you, I still don't like to be openly trans in public. I don't mind sharing over the internet where there's a degree of distance (and where other people are more likely to get something out of it), but I generally don't bring it up elsewhere because I really don't need to deal with people being either excessively confused at me, judgmental or outright malicious over something that really has nothing to do with them anyway.

      Related: I recently had someone considering transitioning ask me about how I decided to transition. I remember never being told, even when I directly asked, how any one knew if they were trans and what that felt like, so I spent a ridiculous amount of time second guessing myself and feeling like I might basically just be making something up or trying to be a special snowflake. I'm thinking I might write up a more thorough version of the response I made because it sounds like a lot of trans people face that self doubt before transitioning (and during and even after) and finding that comfort in their skin and in themselves; it seemed to be helpful for the person that asked me and I know it would have been really helpful for me to hear that others faced similar struggles of confidence in their identities.

  • Link

    I keep coming back to this submission and wanting to comment but I have so very little energy to put down my thoughts in any articulate way these days. Especially wanted to say things about policing in our own communities, because I did expect a safer space when I was more naive/younger (I transitioned 10 years ago). For all the talk about privileges and how transmen "have it easy", I find that in my own experience my life was much easier when I passed as a cis female than now, living as a nonbinary transman who's physically transitioned, date primarily other men, live with the wrong names on my identity papers (the courts are difficult where I live), etc etc etc. And when I feel I should be able to find some safety among "my own people", I realized I feel pretty much stranded on my own island and whenever I set a foot in the trans community and trans-friendly feminist circles around here, I have to deal with as much erase (but of another kind) as when I'm in straight-land. I wish I could develop more than that but uuugh. So complicated.

    But I felt it was important to comment here; and thank you for trying to put into words and image important ideas. This deserves more pageviews/discussion, but yeah difficult topic. :)

    The art is lovely + interesting/attractive use of colours. I'm looking forward seeing more from you!

    • Link

      *erasure

    • Link

      Thanks a lot for the compliments and additional perspective!
      The trans community is definitely more hostile than it ever should be, I feel you. I generally feel like a weird outsider who can't exactly talk about my identity among other trans people because it's too different (I'm mostly just lazy about it and only say transmale unless the subject comes up). There's a lot of bias and misunderstanding within it and it's just so so frustrating to see. I think the fact that we deal with so much pressure from the rest of the world and almost constantly have to prove the validity and value of our identities and experiences kind of puts a lot of us into a position of defensiveness against each other. I can't find myself faulting those in trans communities for being defensive and trying to protect their standing/uphold their issues as important - they're all human and have a LOT of shit to deal with and grow from - but there is just way too much vitriol and judgement directed at others in the community. The divisions that occur from it aren't helping anyone and only serve to alienate people who's strengths and voices we need to combat ignorance in society at large.

      Additionally, I actually seem to have attracted a fairly decent number of AFAB non-binary folk; if you ever need to find more people who relate to your specific position/identity, you might give my watchers/watch list a look through! :> (won't name them here, I feel too weird calling them out as trans, even if they're very open about it)

      • Link

        I agree!

        Thank you for your suggestion; unfortunately I'm usually wary around other trans people, including AFAB people - non-binary and not - for a variety of reasons, the main being:

        • AFAB people in majority dating other AFAB people: regularly erasing my experience of sexuality or being very judgemental about my cismen partners / cismen in general even when it's uncalled for.

        • non-binary people: often judgemental about the "right ways to be NB", ie. usually talking shit about trans people like myself who chose to physically transition / pass as male / mostly use masculine pronouns (there is no proper equivalent for the gender neutral "they" in my native language anyway)

        • non-binary people: also not thinking I'm legit non-binary because my non-binary identity is not often reflected in my gender presentation (I'm usually not satisfied about the clothing options I have, and also have monetary issues, and my size doesn't exist in most clothing items, so it's difficult finding the right clothes let alone some that scream "non-binary" or the very narrow idea that people have about it; I also don't live nor identify as a "fem boy", "fem guy" and any variation of these that I've seen, this isn't really the way I experience my non-binary identity, nor is makeup and similar things some trans folks use to signify non-binarity)

        (Lastly there are occasionally some people that have more similar identity/sexuality to mine, but who are younger/less experience and thus I don't always relate to them because they usually have little to bring to the table to me, especially re: sexuality with cismen; I can leave the conversations feeling a bit frustrated (for example, I'm always supportive but I get tired of 101 conversations about "where/how to date gay men as a transman?" and I would rather talk about body stuff and relationship stuff with people who've already dated and had sex with gay cis men more than occasionally, so we can share about these experiences).]

        I'm still open to discuss with other people, but I've been disappointed and hurt enough times that I'm often too tired to make the first steps. :C

        • Link

          Another important point that I forgot:

          I don't identify with / don't worship the mainstream gay community either, so I don't relate to most gay (/bi) transmen who assimilate into it.

          (My cis partners tend to be pro-feminists and identify as "fag" instead of "gay", which is something that happens here because in my language we don't really use "queer" the way english-speaker do exactly. So yeah my cis partners don't feel much at ease in the mainstream gay community either a lot of the time.)(I've also dated transmen and am potentially attracted to other genders, but yeah this conversation isn't about that.)

  • Link

    My spouse [Sparky up there] showed me this after getting just outed out of nowhere today when I was trying my best to hide it. This whole thing went miles for making me feel a little better, thanks for making this. I love your analogy to death.

    • Link

      :') <3 Glad this could help!