the first month my partner passed i couldn't function or do anything other than get up to chain smoke cigarettes and play animal crossing. it was the only thing that distracted me enough from my reality to still keep me alive. it certainly wasn't a quality life, but i was alive. i barely ate, i barely slept, i barely did anything but sit on the couch, unmoving. i cried a lot, almost all the time, the mornings and nights were the absolute worst. the second i woke i'd be screaming and weeping in pain. the nights were similar. i was not a mom during this time. my daughter spent most of her time not here and when she was i had help from family to look after her because i just couldn't.

three and a half months later and i am still grieving, but i am finally starting to get my life back on track again. i completely lost myself for three months. i almost took my own life because i was in so much pain myself and didn't know how to make it better or heal. time barely felt real, it still really doesn't. it simultaneously feels like years have passed, and that i just got the news he died yesterday. the only thing that is different is that the pain hurts just enough less for me to keep moving.

i still play animal crossing to get me through. he has his own grave that i tend to every day and always add new things to in the game. it still keeps me sane in a weird way. outside of the grieving rituals i have here at home, like pouring him a cup of coffee when i have mine in the morning, and talking to him even though i know he can't hear me - as that was our routine in the mornings we spent together - sitting at his virtual grave is the only other way i can also feel like somehow i am close by him, given he doesn't have a grave i can visit in real life.

i love the game for what it's done for me, and so far, i still am barely able to produce art. my grief has made me lose a lot of motivation for a lot of things, but i've found i am still motivated enough by animal crossing to make art related to it, and actually enjoy it.

thanks for reading.