[Exterior, Covert Gardens. Chief’s fanfare. Dissolve to Chief’s office. Chief is sitting at his desk, pushing papers.]

CHIEF: If I never again hear the letters T, P, and S together, it will be too soon.

[Chief presses a button on his intercom.]

CHIEF: Ms. Penny, send in Secret Squirrel.

[First half of Secret’s vamp plays. As the last note fades, we zip pan to various locations in the office like the sofa, the bookcase, the ceiling. The door opens, and Secret steps in.]

SECRET: Agent triple zero, Secret Squirrel reporting for duty, Chief.

[Vamp resumes. Morocco steps in beside Secret.]

MOROCCO: Likewise me, Morocco Mole.

CHIEF (under breath): Oh, dear. (Full voice, to Secret) Are you feeling at all well today, Secret?

SECRET: Fit as a fiddle. Why?

CHIEF: Well, in the twenty years you’ve worked in this department, I’ve never known you to enter this office through the front door.

MOROCCO: How very observant, Chief. You get a gold star!

SECRET: But what’s your point?

CHIEF: To put it bluntly, Secret, I think you’re sick.

SECRET: Sick?! But I—

CHIEF: Report to the infirmary at once.

SECRET: But what about my assignment?

CHIEF: I’ll cover for you.

SECRET (courtesy laugh): You? Mister Been Sitting Behind a Desk Pushing Papers Since the Timmy Garter Administration? Don’t you think you’d be a little rusty?

CHIEF: Quite rusty. And, consequently, more reliant on those ingenious deehinkies you carry around. So I should like to borrow your hat for the day.

SECRET: Whoa, no can do, bub—the hat stays with me. But I can let you have the, um, deehinkies.

CHIEF: Well, but how am I supposed to carry them all? I’ve only got two hooves.

SECRET: Allow me to demonstrate. Step one. Take this fez. Excuse me, Morocco. (Removes fez from Morocco’s head.) Step two. Pull the tassel and place the fez on the ground like so. (Does so.) Steps three, four, five, and six—

[The fez expands in a snap, throwing Secret up onto the desk. He lands on his stomach.]

SECRET: Get out of the way.

[Secret rises to hands and knees. His hat opens. He shakes the contents out into the fez. As the hat closes and he stands up, something faintly rattles.]

CHIEF: Amazing. Where did you get such fantastic headgear, Morocco?

MOROCCO: At the Fez Emporium, of course. Heh heh. Your expense account dollars at work.

CHIEF: Oh. Quite. So glad I thought of that.

[Secret pulls the tassel to shrink the fez to its normal size.]

MOROCCO: But Secret, there’s still one deehinky rattling around inside your head.

SECRET (placing fez atop Morocco’s head): That’s my RSA-encrypted walkie-watchie-talkie. I need to keep that so I can keep tabs on you.

CHIEF: Good show, Secret. Now, if we all know our assignments, we’ll be off.

MOROCCO: One question, Chief. Who’s going to be the sidekick?

CHIEF (sighs): I suppose I will, Morocco. I bow to your (gulp) superior experience.

[Sick bay. Secret is in bed. Nurse Penny enters with a bowl of nuts and a tray of instruments.]

PENNY: Good morning, Secret. Hard to believe you’re in here.

SECRET: I don’t believe it either.

PENNY: Well, believe it or not, Chief wants me to run the whole battery on you. (Picks up a thermometer.) Now close your eyes.

SECRET (closeup of face): Close my eyes? For a temperature? (Sighs and closes eyes.) Okay, but I feel perfectly fi-EEEEEEeeeeeennnn!

[Secret grimaces and holds his breath as Penny takes his temperature you-know-where offscreen. Beat. Secret releases his breath and shakes out some cobwebs.]

SECRET: All right, you alien critter! Who are you, and what have you done with my squirrelfriend? (Penny laughs.)

[Roof of Covert Gardens. Morocco is in the driver’s seat of the Really Cool Car. Chief approaches the passenger door.]

MOROCCO: Hop in, Chief. I’m driving.

CHIEF: But I didn’t think you could drive a stick, Morocco.

MOROCCO: I can’t.

CHIEF: Then what are you doing behind the wheel?

MOROCCO: It’s okay, Chief. Secret lets me read the owner’s manual when we’re out in the field, so I know every square inch of this really cool car.

CHIEF: I do hope so.

MOROCCO: Let’s see now. What does this button do?

[Morocco presses a button on the dash. The manual gearbox flips over into a handy console. A selector lever sprouts out from the steering column.]

MOROCCO: Tada! A continuously-variable automatic transaxle...with extra cup holders.

CHIEF (stunned): Wow.

[Sick bay, nurse station. Penny stands behind a counter. Secret walks into frame. As he approaches Penny, she hands him a small clear plastic cup. Secret pauses, looks at the cup, then up at Penny. She slowly nods, then cocks her head toward the loo offscreen. Secret looks back at the cup, then walks off. Beat. Zip pan to the loo door just as it closes.]

[Morocco leads Chief in a foot pursuit of a puffin carrying a bag of loot.]

MOROCCO: Halt, you pilferin’ puffin! (Trips over a crosswalk stripe.) Yipe!

[Morocco falls on his belly. As the puffin pauses to look back, Chief trips over Morocco and sails through the air onto the puffin, subduing him.]

CHIEF: Oopsie.

[Morocco catches up to Chief and puffin and picks up the loot bag.]

MOROCCO: At least the courts don’t award style points.

[Secret’s room. Secret flips through a sheaf of papers on a clipboard.]

PENNY: So you see, we’ve put you through every test we’ve got, and they all came back negative. This really worries me.

SECRET: I’m worried too, Penny.

PENNY: About the results?

SECRET: No, the cost. I just hope it’s all covered by my HMO.

[Chief and Morocco chase a porcupine into a dead-end alley.]

MOROCCO: We’ve got him right where we want him.

CHIEF: Now to finish him off!

MOROCCO: Right. (Removes fez and yanks tassel.) This calls for that one deehinky. (Places fez on ground and backs up.) We used that one time. (The fez expands.) On that one guy. (Reaches around inside fez.) Oh, I know it’s in here somewhere.

[Morocco dives in and starts tossing out deehinkies. Some may be familiar. One of them flies toward Chief, who catches it. It is the other walkie-watchie-talkie.]

CHIEF: Hmmm. This might help. (Pushes button on walkie-watchie-talkie.)

[Sick bay, discharge desk. Our POV is behind Secret so we can see how poorly that hospital gown covers his back. Tail placed strategically for modesty.]

PENNY: All we need now is your signature on a bunch of forms and we’ll be through.

[Cut to lengthwise view over desk, showing Penny facing Secret. As she lays down forms, Secret signs; her pace increases with time.]

PENNY: With this form you confirm that we discussed your progress and that you understand the reason for your discharge. And here you acknowledge financial responsibility. Promise not to sue for malpractice. Non-compete clause. Movie rights. Prenuptial agreement. (Secret raises his free hand to put Penny on hold, then picks up the prenup and reads carefully before signing.) And this one’s for—

[Secret’s hat rings.]

SECRET: Excuse me, dear. My head’s ringing.

[Secret grits his teeth and pops open the hat. His walkie-watchie-talkie shoots out and falls into his hand. He presses Talk. Chief appears on screen.]

SECRET: What is it, Chief?

CHIEF: We’ve cornered this villain in the alley. (Shows Secret the scene.) But we don’t know what to use on him. Morocco thought it might be something you used before.

SECRET: Yeah, he does look familiar. Try the Plenty Powerful Picnic Pod.

CHIEF: Thanks, Secret. Did you get that, Morocco?

MOROCCO: The Pentium Power Packed Polliwog?

CHIEF: No, the Ponderous Penguin Panic Pad. (Points walkie-watchie-talkie at the fez.)

MOROCCO (surfaces with Picnic Pod): Oh, Penny’s Powerpuff Pompom Poster!

SECRET: Morocco! Use what’s in your hand!

MOROCCO: You mean this?! Well, why didn’t you tell me?

[Morocco arms the Picnic Pod and throws it at the bad guy.]

SECRET (turns off WWT): And justice is served.

[Exterior, Covert Gardens, the next day. Chief’s fanfare. Dissolve to Chief’s office. Secret is sitting behind Chief’s desk, pushing papers.]

SECRET: Thank goodness today’s a crime holiday. Otherwise, I’d be here so late I’d miss “2 Stupid Dogs.” (Presses button on intercom.) Penny, hon, could you please send in the Chief? I can’t find his report.

PENNY (through intercom): Sorry, sweetheart, he can’t see you right now.

[Sick bay. Penny is in Secret’s old room, now occupied by Chief and Morocco.]

PENNY: But visiting hours are from seven to ten tonight.

[Fade out.]