worth by BlueNire



5 May 2014 at 02:19:24 MDT

oh god..

why can't I draw....

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    Because you're putting a crazy amount of pressure on yourself.
    A hare won't run if you put a millstone on it, no matter how much it was built to run.

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      I really really deeply appreciate your comment. <3

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        You're not the only one who feels like this <3

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    Inspired, suggested:

    The thing you need to survive, emotionally
    Or that you currently think you do
    Making art
    in order to retain self-worth
    May be so important that you are paralysed
    Fear of failure
    The motion to even try to draw hurts
    strain in the bones and deep muscle
    whole body is tired and wants to sleep
    held in perpetual state of restlessness

    I see scientists on PBS
    And I think, when I was a kid they inspired me
    Now here I am, did not finish college
    See them and there is a tinge of sadness
    and that tiredness
    I am not with who I need to be with
    The other scientists.
    To go back to college
    Such strain
    Want to lay down
    First need to fix other problems
    Heavy burden
    May be all emotional? but that is still a burden
    What other kind of burden is there? If the emotions were not affected, no ordeal would really be a burden?

    Fear of Doom
    That the next action if resulting in failure
    may lead to a slow miserable life up until death
    That the next action may lead to an emotional breakdown
    Throwing the self into panic
    And if there is no one there to help
    Panic, for how long?

    You are already in a state of emotional turmoil
    the burden gets heavier when it is perceived, that quality of life depends on the outcome of a very specific action.
    That in carrying out this action, there might be failure
    That happiness may be gone forever more
    That the self might revert into an earlier state of misery
    A throwback to suicidal times

    But life is complex.
    There are many ways to survive.
    The Self thinks: But am /I/ strong enough!?
    I think -- if I had to do certain things
    As good as a slave, sucking all joy from me
    And in the things I want to do,
    Would not be able to pursue them for the energy already drained.
    And the things i want to do, I have trouble doing.
    Even writing, the easiest of these, can be a struggle at times.
    I wonder -- will I ever get myself together?
    I think I will.

    In an incompatible environment, the burden is heavier
    Surrounded by angry people, or fools, or abusers
    Their voices get in you and attack from inside
    Fear of outside consequence
    Surrounding factors make it hard to resist
    Hard to work
    Will there ever be a way out?

    I sometimes see The Good
    Its presence, and the miracles I see
    Keep me going in the strain
    Use it all, the struggle
    Understand your own
    Study others as you find them
    If suffering is prominent to you
    Unique stories of pain, shared for empathy.
    To better understand and liberate the self.
    And to aide the greater human network
    Suffering transmuted into connection
    Light from the Dark

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      Wow....this was an absolutely incredible reply.
      I've read it through several times now and I'm still learning from it.
      I'll most likely be reading it several more times...there's lots of things I need to hear and think about in it.
      Thank you, deeply.

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    No one's worth hinges on a single aspect of their identity or skill. You are worth more than what you create. You are not SIMPLY your art; how can a creation be more valuable than its creator?

    I know how it is when you cannot seem to create, and it feels like everything is closing in around you, but the problem is we, as artists, in these situations, wind up perpetuating the very stress that keeps us from our craft in the first place.

    You, as a person, have inherent value, apart from any interests you may have, hobbies you may pursue, or things you may create. Your impact on this world far eclipses the tangible 'things' you produce, and we would perhaps all do well to remember that about ourselves.
    Relax. Take time to enjoy yourself. Take time for you. You deserve no less. Your existence and value do not hinge on your ability to provide artwork (beautiful though your work is,) to placate the masses. You're worth too much to tear yourself apart over so little.

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    I've felt this far too often myself, especially since my spouse works at what my brain continues to insist is a "real" job and I'm too socially anxious to even set foot out of the apartment, let alone get one myself. So I do art. But I have to do art, which makes me not want to do it, because suddenly there's all this ungodly pressure.

    I don't know what to tell you on how to fix it. All that I do, personally, is try to take it one step at a time, one small part of the picture at a time. Something like "I am working on the hand now." and then draw the hand. And that's all. Don't think about the other parts as best you can, just focus on that hand. Or whatever.

    Whatever else happens, I hope you feel better soon.

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    I can deeply sympathize. Sometimes all that one can do is put down the pencil for a while and think about other things.
    Or sometimes working on other art forms can help. Actually, free writing can be pretty helpful (well, at least I have found it helpful) to just start letting it flow. Just writing down anything that comes into your head and to start forming something from that sort of activates different parts of the brain.

    But most importantly,
    You, more than anyone else in the universe, deserve your love and affection. You will never be worthless.

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      Hello!! I am so sorry for the late reply! Thank you for taking the time to reply and give such wonderful advice and say such kind things to me, it really meant the world.
      Thank you so very much, I just wish you the best and I hope you're doing well! <3

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        Hey don't worry about it!
        I wish I could be more helpful, but I do hope you start showing yourself a lot more love.