Hello, how's it goin? My name's jake. I'm a digital artist who does commissions. I don't know how active I'll be here, but i'd like to make some new friends!
My commission prices are currently being decided, but i have to save up for a LOT of money, because of so many things i need for the next two months.
Deviantart: http://reggacatx.deviantart.com/ (soon to be changed to AmberSupernova)
Transition Blog: http://jacobdreamweaver.tumblr.com/ (feel free to ask anything! It's empty!)
You have no idea how hard it was for me to figure out what to call this.
I want to make a confession to you guys. Lately -as in the past few weeks- I've been feeling extremley suicidal, and I in fact have been committing self harm. I don't know where to start... I've been bullied this whole time... People in my choir would try to push me off of the risers and mess with my hair. I can't even say "Hi" to someone in my 4th hour without being made fun of... I was hated for standing up for teachers, or scolding students on their terrible behavior. I hate my voice. I hate the way I look... You have no idea how hard it is for me to even look at myself in a mirror. I pretty much hate myself. I feel useless, talentless, I feel like I have no purpose.
I also feel very alone... Isolated. I can't really talk to many people about my emotions... I mean yea I tell a lot of people that I'm around, but they don't really care. My own parents old me that it's impossible for me to have problems because I'm a teen in school, I feel trapped in my own home. I feel like I'm backed into a corner with no one there to help me out. In all honesty I feel unwanted and hated most of the time, and my self loathing doesn't help either.
I have been doing self harm for about 6 years now. But... It's a different kind. My methods of self harm are internal, they don't show. I also tend to claw at myself when agitated. Scars are permanent, scratches aren't. I didn't want people all over me about stupid scars. As for the other methods, recall how I say internal. I technically have Pica disorder, and I tend to starve myself, though most of the time I don't realize I'm doing it. I always feared a painful death, and if I were to die from something that I ingested, I wanted it to be slow. As I said this has gone for about 6 years now.
But this month, things have gotten worse for me. All of my problems have increased tenfold in one way or the other, and I just couldn't take it.
I was going to take my own life today, and I wasn't afraid to do it.
I didn't have anywhere to turn, I felt so lost and panicked that I was going to explode into to tears at any moment. I even asked a friend -whose a writer- about veins and arteries that lost blood the quickest -she didn't catch on- and I even marked my arms. I was determined to disappear, to get out of people's hair, because I felt like a problem. Had I not ran into one of my closed friends, I wouldn't be here right now.
Before my 6th hour I was heading to the bathroom to fully think things out, which methods would be less painful and would happen faster. But I saw her walking towards me and when she hugged me, I literally couldn't hold it in anymore. I havent cried so hard in so long you have no Idea man She took my to her anatomy teacher's room. I had met the teacher before, being that she's helping me find a gender therapist, and we talked. For once I felt like I was cared about. The atmosphere of the room was warm and gentle, and my friend and her teacher were both very loving and caring. For the first time in years, I was able to open up entirely and tell my story, how I felt, and everything. I overall felt much better, because even her students were as kind as her. They referred to me by my gender and chosen name, they respected me, and they were willing to talk to me about whatever. For once I felt like there was a hand reaching in to pull me out of the corner I was backed into. They told me about people who acknowledged my small acts of kindness, people who admired me, and people who would be devastated if I were to no longer be alive. They told me about qualities that I had that I didn't know meant anything... And I'm thankful.
Because if it wasn't for that one friend and that one teacher, I more than likely wouldn't be writing this journal right now.
So peace excuse my lack of uploads, I'm still trying to get back into things. I really want to draw, honestly, I just havent been feeling it lately.
I really needed to get this off of my chest, and thank you for taking your time to read.