Cartoon.S.I: The Mystery Muffins

Written by Septia.

At morning: eight. Indoors: Apartment. Mood: calm… too calm… The bitter air of bean juice steam is penetrating the air as Copper brews a morning pot.
“Hit me,” Poppim calls from the couch.
Without a glance Copper swings the pot to jettison a crescent of black liquid.
Poppim holds his cup horizontally from the cough, and sweps it along the incoming wave of brew, catching every drop with fluid ease. “Thanks,” he says as he blips on the Tv. He takes a sip, immediately spitting and spilling its contents over the couch. “What'cha think you are brewin? Magma?”
“You know I like em hot,” Copper responds, dunking the black juice straight from the hot pot.
“Touché…,” Poppim responds and squeezes some bean juice from the pillow to his tongue.
Voices from the tv come sparking out as the newsanchor finishing a segment. “…which means if nothing is done to stop the belt-theft pandemic, we'll soon all be caught with our pants down. And now, in non-pantaloon related news.”
“Finally,” Poppim sighs.
“We'll be going straight to commercials.”
“Dammit,” Popim grumbled, “they got me again.”
“They got you again,” Copper added.
Popim shook his fist, “One day… daytime tv, I shall have my revenge, and it shall be bloody.”
“Bloody what?”
“Exactly.”
A big chef orca popped up on screen in front of a large building. “Whoohey anyone feel eager to go grab a treat but you are all out of money? Well get off that lazy butt and get a job, so you can head right down to Mt. Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium, and grab our 5 for 2 special on Mystery Muffins. What's in them? Who the donkey knows? But they are flying off the shelves and we want you to catch the bastards, before they all get caught in a plane's wind turbine or disturb air traffic again. So come on down and stuff your faces, Mt.Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium, our treats are to die for.”
“What do you make a this?” Poppim asks.
“Sweets go well with bean juice, especially my extra pressed blend.”
“Yeah, if I ha'd gotten any bean juice I'd be all over it.”
“Thems the breaks,” Copper shrugged.
“Thems they are… indeed.” Poppim hummed and scratched his chin in contemplation.
Suddenly the familiar ring of their phone called out, the whole telephone bobbing and jumping with the shrill: 'yourphonesringing yourphonesringing yoursphonesringing-…' which continued as the two remained frozen in contemplation.
Copper took another sip.
Poppim squeezed the pillow again.
“I'll get it.”
“I'll get it.”
Both said at the same time and headed to the phone. Poppim caught the phone mid jump and held it to his chin, “Copper and Poppim-.”
Copper then snatched it from him. “Investigations and junk, here to answer. What's the deats?”
A shrill voice called out, in the same tone and voice as their phone. “Geegaadwds You twos gotta mosey ya way ova here right away.”
“Where too, Cheif inspector?”
Poppim snatched the phone “Directions are required for our services.”
“Where'd ya think stoopids? Down at the Mt.Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium, there's been a…” The voice paused, the two leaned in closer the receiver. Silence reigned.
“… Crime.”
Poppim Gasped.
Copper dropped her mug.
“What do you make a this?” Poppim asked.
“Heavy foreshadowing, narrative intrigue, unexpected hooks in the intro fulfilled later on in the main plot... it is a classic," she turned her face in a strange direction, "Cartoon Show Incident," then turnedback.
“You call that subtle and I'll eat your hat.”
“I do and I d' like to keep my hat.”
“Touché.”
“Stahp bein’ a bunch of doofs, how soon can ya be down here, Copper ‘n Poppim?”
“We 're already there,” said Copper.
Poppim followed up “We're just waiting for the scene transition.”

~ 1 ~

“You think I can afford to wait a whole,” chief inspector turned around and found the two standing at the ready, “oh thank for the grace of skies you finally arrive.”
“Apologies Chief,” Copper excused.
“Haven't had my bean juice today yet,” Poppim excused, “deats us Chief,” Poppim said while adjusting his uniform cap.
“So ya sees like this,” chief said, and pointed to the interior: Mt.Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium. Morning: nine. Mood: awfully suspicious. “We're alled in ere see, cus uf all ah this, then eey scooped em, an carried on donk a donak 'n scop a drop the shizdings, wiz the troupes along and a bing bang boom, get me?”
“Interesting,” Poppim scratched his chin, “What'd you make of this, Copper?"
Copper strutted up the conveyorbelt, where treats laid strewn and scattered all over. “It is not about what I make of it, but what we make of it, and we are making a crime scene. As Chief so eloquently put it, there was a break in with the stolen goods including several mystery muffins, staff members, a broken window, and damaged conveyor equipment.”
“Ey,” chief called out, “wuts the pointa explaining it all when ah just dun so?”
“Elementary, it is called investigation, read up on it,” Poppim disregarded the chief and walked along the crime scene with Copper,
“We've gotta lay down serious investigative work here,” Copper affirmed.
“Lets begin with questioning the witnesses.”
“I saw everything,” A worker called out and ran up to Copper and Poppim, “they were eaten, gobbled up like nothing, I saw it before my own eyel-fmgmph-.” Poppim stuffed a muffin in the worker's face.
“Quiet, we are working.” He then lifted up a muffin, squinting into a glaring stare of impeccable focus. “So, Mystery Muffin, if that is your real name… who dun it?”
The Muffin remained a muffin.
“This is getting us nowhere.” Copper shook her head.
“Moving straight to interrogation,” Poppim called out and shoved the baked good right into Copper's awaiting maw, aiming a harsh light striaght into the dark chasm of his partner's gob. “Out with it. We aren't here to play nice, we are here to solve a crime, and we know you are involved, just how many hands have been in involved in baking this dreadful atrocity? Confess.”
The muffin began cried out. “Aaah stahp it wasunt me. I saw em I know who's it was I didn't take it aaah.”
“Speak coherently and with the proper tact, as appropriate for this engagement,” Poppim loomed over the muffin filled maw.
“Amwga, mgawah,” Copper mumbled around the muffin.
“Oh Copper, stop it. That is too far.”
“Wha?” the muffin wondered.
“Mwmawfrms.”
“Don't play dumb with me, you heard what my partner said. You are just afraid to admit the trooth.”
“Amguwhah.”
“Aaaah Ok I will tell you everything,” the muffin pleaded.
“This is getting us nowhere,” Poppim shook his head.
“Wh-wha?” the muffin asked perplexed.
Do it copper, I know you will get it out of them.”
“What are ya two even doin-.” The chief asked, Poppim pushed the chief back.
“Awert your glare chief, you don't wanna see this…”
“Wha? Wha tis wait aaaahf,” The muffin called out.
“A-Aampfgh amampght, mwmpgmhf- A cascade of churning and munching sprung forth from Copper, muffin debris and spittle splattering in a cone around them.
“Status rapport,” Poppim asked when the deed was done.
Copper mumbled with her cheeks stuffed with crumbs, “I know how we'll get our culprit.”
“Oh yeah?” Poppim bumped chief in the side. “It ain't pretty, but we get results out of them.”
“They'll be returning to the scene of the crime, right about…”
The backdoor to the emporium opened up. A Hippo peeked in, face drizzled in crumbs and stomach bloated in contorting bulges. “Has anyone seen my-… aaah… oooh… right. The crime,” they mumbled. The hippo hung by the door for a second, then slowly begun to close it as they snook back out.
“Oh not so fast you,” Poppim called out and looked knowingly at Copper.
“Ready for the old one-two?”
Copper nodded and cracked her knuckles.
Poppim nodded back, “you'll cop em.”
“And you'll Pop em.”
The two exchanged another nod. Then another. Then a kiss. Then another nod. And then proceeded to dash out the backdoor.

~ 2 ~

Midday: Eleven. Outdoors: The Mt.Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium. Lighting: harsh with justicie. Mood: examination gratification.
Poppim patted the hippos's gut, watching it sloshes and churn underneath his hand prints, and listening to it.
“Hmm, something's in there there, but I don'hear any of the muffins. But how did you know they would come back?” Poppim wondered.
Copper plunged her fist down her throat, rumaged about so her gullet bulged out, and fished up a muffin-crumb soaked wallet. “Culprit forgot their wallet, it was hidden in the muffin.”
“The classic baked criminal scheme screw up.”
The caught hippo squirmed. “It is not like that, you don't have the whole story.”
“Wait really?” Poppim asked, confused.
“Aah… y-yeah? I am innocent? I haven't been stealing anything.”
“He is innocent alright Poppim,” Copper added, and held up the Hippo's Id card, “It says so right here on his card,” she pointed to a line where 'innocent' was printed in bold letter.
“By law, you are correct, what a revelation.”
“I was baked into a cupcake,” the hippo screamed out.
The gathering crowd drew a gasp.
“That is false,” Poppim noted.
The crowd gasped again.
“W-what?”
“It was a muffin, there is a world of separation between those baked goods.”
The crowd murmured in agreement amongst one another.
“What do we make of this?” Poppim asked.
“A conspiracy.”
The crowd gasped.
“Ok that is getting annoying, save your gasp. We're about to reveal the twist,” Copper calmed the crowd.
“Got it,” everyone chimed in.
“Seeing as the muffins were in fact the ones our would-be-culprit was hidden in, the real villain is the one who locked the and others in the muffins in the first place, which is none other than…”
The crowd drew in air for a gasp.
“Mr. Mt.Pastry tower's trick-less treat emporium himself.”
The crowd collectively held a gasp as they shuffled around and pushed the owner of the emporium front and center, the orca chef struggling and staring blankly at the investigators.
“Oh whaaat? So I stuffed a few mystery ingredient in my trickless treats, whas the matter?”
“The matter is one of tainting the honorable art of baking, sir.” Poppim announced and bopped the orca on the head, so he fell over. Copper snapped handcuffs on them.
“Drat… the giant marketing campaign to sell them out would have disposed of all the evidence, I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for y-.”
“It wouldn't have worked,” Poppim informed.
“But I-… wait why?”
“Because you are creepy,” Copper informed.
“Hey, my creepiness is hereditary…”
Poppim stood on Copper's shoulders looking the culprit in the eyes. “Tell that to the judge, in jail.”
The crowd begun to cheer, even chief blubbered on jovially.
“There's one thing I'm uncertain on though, Copper.”
“And that is?”
“What happened to the really happened to the missing employees?”
All eyes turned to the hippo.
-Ghrlbghhgs- -GhClrlrlsh- Their stomach churning and bulgings in squirming bloats. “What? I'm a hippo?”
Copper and Poppim nodded to one another. “That checks out.”
The crowd laughed as the two stood back-to-back in a triumphant pose.

~ ~ Epilogue ~ ~

“Annnd cut,” Vi called out, and the extras on the set dispersed.
The mouse director made her way to the main actors. “Wicked work, chou two, this episode of Cartoon Show Incident will be a hit once we add in the other half of the episode in editing.”
“Great to hear, think you got enough shots of the action scenes? The chase was quite something.”
“Oh yeah, we got both of chous on tape real smooth. Really glad this is a visual medium, parsing this through the script was a nightmare.”
“We can imagine, good thing you got it all on tape.”

~ ~ Epilogue's Epilogue ~ ~

Sep pulled down the parchment, eyes darting between it and Tia. “This really proper? Going that meta?”
“Well yeah I am certain of it all. Cus' its fun, really gives the brain some fodder.”
“Mm, suppose so?”

~ ~ ??? ~ ~

The great purple tome of fables shuts. The storyteller keeping it in their lap, staring. Then soon peering towards the horizon.
“Wait a moment, this wasn't a fable…”