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the abandoned lot by Faydyn (critique requested)

the abandoned lot

Norris stood at the edge of the empty lot, he heard his friends chanting from his front yard in the distance.

What was it they were saying? It sounded like
"DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!!" Norris suddenly noticed he was clutching his tail again, it was a nervous habit he used to have as a kitten, why was he doing it now? Was he really THAT scared.
He let go of his tail and growled
"If they are so brave why aren't they down here with me?" he thought.
It was just an empty lot, there really was no tangible reason to be scared.
It was just that every time his mother drove him down this street he got a bad vibe from this abandoned property.
Maybe it was the gnarly twisted dying trees trees, or perhaps it was the strange concrete ring that was in the center of the property. His mother had told him that it had been the foundation for an old grain silo that had collapsed in a storm some thirty years prior.

Even from a distance the ruins scared Norris slightly.
Long irregularly sized pieces of rusty metal re-bar stuck skyward from it's circular base.
There were rust stains at regular intervals around the ring, from a distance those rust stains looked like blood!
It reminded Norris of a macabre version of Stonehenge.
He always expected to look over and see a dead body lying nearby.
He had looked across the street from his bedroom window one night and had seen some strange purple and orange lights floating around within the confines of the ruins There were stories about how someone had died when the silo collapsed. Norris shuddered just thinking about it. Maybe the lights he had seen were somehow connected.
Norris froze, he had a choice to make. Either he could return to the others in shame, a coward. He decided that he should at least try, if he got spooked he could always turn back, and there was no shame in that. He bared his teeth. He slowly began to walk towards the remains of the silo. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach. He was surprised how long the walk was, the ruins kept growing and growing as he walked. Suddenly there was a gust of wind and the thorny underbrush on either side of the path seemed to reach for him, he got cut by several thorns, he could feel the warm blood slowly trickling down his legs. The leaves rustled. Norris thought that he heard whispers in the rustling noises that the thorn bushes made. He thought he heard
"Rip you!" one said. Another said
"CUT you" others still screamed,
"TEAR you"
"KILL YOU!!

Norris once again froze.
"oh come on! You are being silly!" he thought
"what are you a scared kitten! It is just the wind!"
He continued on, past the thorny underbrush.
Further ahead were the gnarled dead trees, their trunks where covered in burls that were oozing gooey whitish-yellow sap. Norris slowly approached one of the trees, he touched its slowly decaying bark,
"It's like they are dying of cancer" he thought. Even the soil was poisoned! Even if this lot wasn't haunted there was a strange energy about the place. He was almost there now, there was no turning back now.
He cautiously approached the massive ring. He was within reaching distance from the waist height concrete wall. He looked up at the rusted beams, they were each about the diameter of his forearm. He counted there were twenty beams in all, they were all different lengths. The tallest beam was well over thirty feet in length it pierced the night sky like a hypodermic needle! The shortest of the beams was off to his right.

It was less then two feet in length. The beam had snapped like a twig!
"That must have been some storm," Norris whispered. He continued to walk around the perimeter of what was left of the silo. He was far enough away now that he could no longer hear his friends. Norris wondered what they were doing now.
How long was he supposed to stay here? This was not a happy place, it reeked of broken dreams, crushed hope, and empty promises. He sighed, he felt terrible, this was a place of death.

Norris was about to turn around and leave when something caught his attention.
There was small patch of flowers in the center of the ruins. They were quite strange looking, even in the darkness he could tell that they were a vivid purple and orange. They seemed to fluoresce in the darkness.
"I wonder if these flowers somehow caused the lights I saw? So much beauty in such a terrible place" Norris thought.
He had a sudden urge to dig the flowers up and transplant them in his mother's garden.
He carefully climbed over the wall. He hadn't noticed but all of the grass inside the circle was dead. This new discovery sent a new wave of chills down Norris' spine! He knelt down by the flower-patch and inspected it further.
He was sure of it now these flowers were in fact glowing!
They must have caused the strange lights he had seen.

He sighed it wouldn't be right to remove them. The flowers were the only thing of beauty left in this entire lot!
Suddenly there was a strong gust of wind blew away the flowers, he watched in horror as the glowing blossoms blew away.
Norris suddenly felt depressed.
He laid on his back in the center of the ruins and looked up at the cloudy night sky he felt his eyes begin to fill up.
"This is silly!" Norris thought, he laughed
"I am getting worked up over some stupid flowers! He stood up and yawned what time was it, how long had he been in this god forsaken place, surly his friends must be worried sick by now. Norris decided that he should go back, he had survived.
"This was a stupid idea," he said.
"They were more frightened of this place then I was! Otherwise they would have come looking for me by now." Norris was turning to leave when suddenly there was a defining crashing noise and a bloodcurdling shriek that seemed to emanate from right next to were he was standing. Norris' fur stood on end, he looked around there seemed to be nothing around that could be causing the terrifying ensemble he was now hearing. The scream was followed by cries for help.
"Where are you!" Norris called out, there was no response, the night was eerily silent. It was like nothing had ever happened!
Norris gasped the air in the ruins was heavy he felt like someone was standing behind him! An icy chill ran through his body, the ground beneath his paws felt like it had a thin layer of frost,
"How is that even possible, it is June!" Norris thought.
Suddenly something started tugging at his whiskers! He stumbled backward and fell to the ground! He felt something brush down his tail!
A new wave of icy chills passed through his body.
Suddenly Norris understood, he picked himself up from the ground,
"Hello my name is Norris, what is yours?" he asked
His question was answered by a second cry for help and more screaming! Suddenly a fuzzy image appeared next to were he stood! He could make out the outline of another feline, she was dressed in a leather jacket and torn jeans. She appeared to have been about his age when she had died.
Norris gasped, it was the ghost he had been sensing.
There was a sweet floral smell in the air,
"Is that perfume I smell?" he thought.
The ghost tilted her head as if she understood. There was a gentle breeze he heard a whisper in his ear,
"Celestene,"
"Is that your name?" Norris asked, the specter that stood before him nodded silently.
"Celestene, What happened? Did you die here when the silo collapsed ?" Norris asked.
Celestine's ghost silently nodded again.
A terrifying picture painted itself in Norris' mind, and he understood.
Celestine had been crushed by the falling concrete blocks,
no one had heard her cries for help.
Three days would pass before they found her crushed body.


She had run away from home because here parents had been in the middle of a heated custody battle, they had had recently divorced. Both of her parents had remarried almost overnight. Her stepfather hated her and
the charlatan her father had married was nothing but trouble.
Celestene had felt alone and broken, did no one care that she felt like she was slowly dying inside. Her mother and father were in a heated shouting match on the phone over some stupid shit. She decided that it was time to leave.
She had closed her door and turned on her stereo to drown out the racket her them out. She was going to go and live with her boyfriend, at least he cared. She packed a bag, she stuffed three changes of clothes into a bag with her wallet, (she checked she had four hundred dollars, it would be more then enough to get by short term.) and a flashlight.
"They knew they had this coming," she had thought, she had repetitively threatened to leave and move in with her boyfriend Kendrick.
"At least they will know were to find me," she thought.
Celestene noticed her mom was still arguing with her father and her stepfather Clark was still at work and wouldn't be home until midnight.
She looked at the clock in the kitchen, it was 8:00pm she had eleven hours to make it to Kendrick's house before she was supposed to go to school.
Celestine threw on her leather jacket and silently walked out the front door
locking it behind her.
She sighed, hopefully her parents would get a clue and she could return home one day. A twelve mile hike lay before her. She walked into the velvet tapestry of the night. She walked for hours, the night was very quiet, not a single car had passed her way since she had started. Even though it was April the nights could still be chilly. Celestene shuddered, she was glad she had thrown her leather jacket on. Then it started to rain, the rain quickly turned into a torrential downpour.
"maybe this wasn't such a good idea" Celestine thought,
"i could catch my death out here."
She didn't want to get hypothermia or contract pneumonia. Then the winds began to pick up. She knew she needed to find shelter fast, she had been walking for hours, she was freezing cold and soaked to the core. It was then that she saw the abandoned silo, it wasn't very pleasant looking but it would have to do. There was a door that lead inside, the hinges had rusted through and it took little effort to kick the door down. It was dark inside the Silo, but it was warmer then being outside. Celestine quickly changed out of her wet clothing, she wrung the fur on her tail dry and put on a pair of torn jeans she had packed and a white shirt. Her jacket had dried quickly, she put it back on because she was still kind of cold. The wind roared outside,she was glad she was safe inside, she curled up on the dirt floor. Suddenly there was a loud noise like an explosion! The silo began to collapse around her the walls buckled and broke away exposing the rusted beams. Rain poured in on her! One of the concrete blocks came down on her legs crushing them! She let out a shriek, the pain was crippling. She looked at her crushed legs

She could see the bloody shards of bone sticking out from under the concrete block! She could feel her hot blood gushing from her wounds. Celestene continued to scream, she hoped that someone would hear her cries for help. Minutes felt like hours, her throat was raw and she was getting cold and tired. She stopped struggling, she was so weak, the pain dissipated slightly. She was being naieve, no one was coming for her no one new she was here, it was inevitable she was going to die . She closed her eyes and waited for the end to come. She slowly faded away, her last living thought was of her boyfriend Kendrick. It would be three days until they found her body.
All that remained of her legacy was the stain on the fabric of reality that stood before Norris

He wiped his eyes
"Did you do that?" He asked Celestene's ghost. Her spirit stood motionless, a sentinel in the inky blackness of the clearing...
"I am sorry if I intruded," Norris apologized.
He thought he heard a faint laugh, there was a whisper in his ear
"Come back any time I appreciate it, you are the first person who has ever cared, you know my story, keep it in your heart!"
There was another bloodcurdling shriek as her spectral form dissipated in a cascade of glowing blossoms like, she had passed on.
Norris could tell that her spirit had passed beyond the veil.
She could rest in peace now. It must have been terrible to be trapped in such a miserable place.
Norris was surprised to find that the heavy feeling that had been in the air had disappeared, the air still smelled of her perfume. Norris stood up and looked around, the abandoned lot wasn't such a scary place after all. A terrible tragedy had unfolded here. Norris carefully climbed out of the ruins of the Silo, mother nature would eventually reclaim these ruins as her own. He slowly and silently left the abandoned property. And returned to his friends, who appeared to be quite worried.
"Dude what happened?" his friend Alistair said, the red fox looked terrified all of the color had drained from his fur,
"you were in there like forever!"
"we were beginning to worry," his younger sister Ophelia said.
Norris laughed,
"It would appear that way. There is nothing to be scared of really."
"What happened to you?" Alistair asked, "you went in as a total coward.."
Norris picked a rose from his mother's garden,
"wait here, I am going back," Norris said
"Wait WHAT!? Alistair asked.
"I am only going to be gone a few minutes," Norris said.
"Suit yourself," Ophelia said.
"We will meet you back inside," Alistair said.


Norris climbed back over foundation wall.
"Rest in peace my friend," he said, leaving the rose in the center of the ruins.

the abandoned lot (critique requested)

Faydyn

I was visiting my father in Connecticut. Nearby where he lives there is an abandoned house and a collapsed silo. We drove by and a cold chill went down my spine and this story came to me.

there are a lot of different things going on in this one

poor Celestine RIP

cover by the amazing czgoldedition

Submission Information

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Rating:
General
Category:
Literary / Story

Comments

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    still having some technical issues with this site pleas forgive any formatting errors

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      Yeah, the formatting here is a bit more complicated than FA. I ended up having to convert the one story I've posted so far into a PDF. >.>"

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        i don't think i can even do that on my laptop, i have three programs that can write and you think one of them would work .....sheesh >9w6<

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          Have you tried LibreOffice? It's free, and has a bazillion features. X3

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            been using open office mainly

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              Ah, cool. They're pretty much the same thing, and the best I've found so far. X3 You should be able to export to PDF from about half-way down the file menu.