Its been a while, huh?

I've struggled with how to truly express this situation (this is my 4th draft for instance), as I'm really unable to make it clear to people when I talk with them. I always get things like "You're not -really- depressed then" or "That's not possible, what are you talking about?"

This is how I deal with things.

At one point, years and years ago now, I attempted suicide. I thought I'd moved past that. Yet I still feel myself struggling with those same dark feelings on a more and more frequent basis. It interferes with my life, with my work, with my friends...I feel like I have to isolate myself because I really don't like people seeing me in this state. When Freaky and Rook visited Washington, I really tried my best to be around and all, but one day out of their visit I just sorta had a mini-breakdown and just couldn't handle things. So I missed seeing Rook one last time before the trip home. Still feel bad about that...

There are others who have had to deal with the same issues around me too. I just...Can't handle things sometimes. Getting out of bed, going to work, eating...There are times when everything just feels so pointless, not worth the effort, or I feel entirely undeserving of even the base necessities of life. And when it gets -that- bad, there's not really anything anyone can say to me to "cheer me up", and even -that- makes me feel bad too...So, what do I do?

I eventually just get tired of it.

I get tired of laying around, so I get up. I get tired of moping, so I stop. I get tired of not eating, so I eat. I give in to all those dark feelings, give them validation, and move on. "Yes, you're right, you're 100% correct about me, I'm worthless, I'm not a good person, I'm trash...We done here now? Okay." Yes, at times, I do really want to end things. But I can't right now, I'm too busy. I'll do it later. The idea that, at any point in time I can choose to do so kind of...Empowers me I guess. Its hard to explain without people giving me the "crazy look". But really, its like letting some troll win an argument so they feel better about themselves, and you're free to go on your way, at least till they deem it necessary to antagonize you again.

So...This is what I do. It takes a while, sometimes a few days, but I am able to pull myself together. Eventually. I can't afford to sit around and not do anything, I have people depending on me. So if I can't pull myself together enough for my own accord, then I can definitely do it for them. I can smile and act the part until I get home and collapse again if need be.

I know I'm not a hero, I'm not even all that great. But I'm able to do what I need to to not burden anyone, and to make other people's lives better. Most of the time. When it really matters, for sure. I'm sorry I'm not better though.