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I'm such a terrible person... -_-

on 13 March 2014 at 07:55:22 MDT

Yesterday was... a difficult day, to say the least. From the moment I woke up until the moment I went to sleep I felt terrible, and I felt like I was losing my mind. It was sort of like being around a dementor, for those of you who are familiar with Harry Potter. I just felt like I'd never feel happiness again. It was a day in which my depression was so deep that my body literally ached, everything felt surreal, I wanted to die (not kill myself, promise, not brave enough for that), and just sleep. However, I forced myself to stay awake. I kept myself as busy as I could, and ended up closing the laptop for awhile.

Anyway, I got back online a little later and someone who, for lack of a better word to describe them, is my best friend greeted me. We were talking back and forth and having some silly banter, and I was actually happy. Then he quit talking for a few minutes, because he was drawing, something that he always does and certainly isn't his fault, and my mind just went into paranoid overdrive. I thought that I had annoyed him, that I had said something wrong, that he hated me. So my whole mind just shut down and that little bit of happiness I'd attained withered away. I closed the laptop, made the coffee for today, and went to bed.

So here I am, awake at 6:30 PT, with my Skype open. He actually... apologized to me. It wasn't even his fault. He's just this really incredible guy that I know has a huge heart and actually cares about how I feel and I let my mind go wild. I feel terrible that he apologized to me, because he had no reason to. Nothing he did was wrong, and it was just my crazy mental state. I just... really can't wait to see a psychiatrist. It's still something that scares me, but I don't want to lose the few true friends that I have. Each of them mean so much to me, and a life without them just wouldn't be worth it.

I think that the worst part of it, aside from doing that to my best friend, is how badly days like this hurt Lucca. She gets frustrated with herself and she feels like it's her fault. She feels like she should be able to always make me happy. I tried to explain to her, as best I could, that I'm sick; that it's not her fault and there isn't anything she can do to change it. It just makes me worry that eventually she's going to get fed up with me and walk away from this relationship. I know that what we have isn't perfect, and that I have my own set of complaints and she has plenty of her own, but I really love her... with all my heart. There have even been times where I've thought about leaving myself, but then I sit back and I try to imagine my life without her and it doesn't feel right. I've never been with someone before that loves me despite my faults, that shows me compassion despite my mental issues. I've never found someone who knows when I'm troubled, and cares about every little concern I have. Then in return, I can't even bring myself to tell her how I feel half of the time because I was raised to be a proper Southern gentleman, and not talk about my feelings, but here I am... typing them out.

I resolved when I woke up today that I'd be happy. That I'd be the sort of man that Lucca wants me to be, and that my friends deserve. I'm not really sure how to accomplish that, but I'm going to do my best. How I feel effects how Lucca feels, how my best friend feels, how all my friends feel. I can't lose the first two and I certainly don't want to lose the rest. So, if you've read this, just cheer me on, alright? Send positive vibes my way, think positive thoughts. I don't want hugs or pity, I just want to be happy for them.

Anyway... thanks for reading ^^.

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