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Giving up on life by thewerelizard

Crossposting from my journal entry on FA: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7164753/

So after two years of a somewhat rocky but overall wonderful relationship with Doveux, he left me.

I was happy with him. For two wonderful years I was happy. Despite my depression and my anxiety he stuck by my side for two years.

Now he finally left me because he couldn't bare it any longer.

I don't have anything left: No friends. No family. A shitty part-time job. No degree. Depression robbed me of everything and everyone I loved. I don't have anything left to care for, or any reason to push forward.

I still love him deeply. I don't have anyone else here anymore and now I don't feel like it's worth fighting it much longer. Therapy, meds, meditation, hospitalisation....nothing has ever been as helpful as knowing I could be loved and someone cared - but now I don't even that thing to fall back on.

I have been crying for days. Non stop. Barely eating, not showing up for work. I don't sleep much anymore, and I've been hurting myself a lot. I feel like this is it, this is the last thing that's pushed me over the edge.

Depression won, it beat me. Therapy and meds are bullshit. So called support groups mean nothing to me and only serve as a temporary relief at best. Helplines are only useful enough to vent at someone but nothing will fix everything depression has done to me.

I have no support and no love - and these are the things I need the most. I don't have any reason left to cling on to the shitty life except maybe not wanting to hurt my estranged grand mother and my friends who live so far away. I don't want to carry on all by myself like this. Loneliness is unbearable. Knowing that my depression beat me despite my efforts has made me give in to it fully.

I want to end my life. I don't have any reason to continue. I won't ever be loved: my friends here rejected me, my family never loved me and the person I loved the most and was ready to move in with abandoned me. I'm unloveable. I don't even get hit on. No one can have feelings for me once they know me. And even then, I don't think I will ever be able to move on from him.

I don't have a future. There is nothing I can do with my life right now. I have nothing to stand on, no solid ground. The future looks bleak and miserable. I am stuck here, in this shitty country, all by myself with zero person to love.

I am a coward though and I can't take my own life by myself. So I'm letting myself die. I'm not doing any efforts. I've quit therapy and left every support and activity group. I just don't see the point anymore.

What reason do I have to keep fighting something which has already beaten me, and cost me everything I held dear?

So I'm giving up on life. I will no longer hang out on FA, Twitter, weasyl or anything else. I'm just a burden to everyone and I don't want to feel like that and lonely anymore. So I'm going to let myself die.

Giving up on life

thewerelizard

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