I'll be talking shop with the parish priest tomorrow on the finer points of what they're looking for in the way of clergy. He was away in Seattle last Sunday.

I still find it a bit strange to be in this position. Strange, but not in a bad or frightening way. For the first time disparate pieces of myself seem to be lining up.

Consider this: the medieval history professor who runs the graduate program at Portland State happens to specialize in medieval heresy. If I go forward on my plans to study medieval history as a graduate student, I'll have an academic background that is relevant to my spiritual practice as a Valentinian reconstructionist. It will require some compartmentalizing on my part but it's an exciting prospect.

And supposing I continue beyond a Master's degree? I'm in a prime position to become a Reverend Doctor if I do. I kind of like the idea!

I feel like I'm close to piecing it all together. Close, but not there yet. Maybe this will prove to be yet another house of cards like the video editing mess, or the year I wasted at tech school, or so many other things I thought were the right thing for me. But if I allow myself to believe that I'm doomed to drift from goal to goal without ever succeeding, then I'll have already set myself up for failure.

Yes, there is doubt. Mostly, doubt in myself as I see myself as deeply inadequate for any position of trust, but also a nagging sense of distrust of any church that would have me as clergy. I often find myself nodding in agreement to Groucho Marx's immortal quip "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." Silencing those doubts is no option; I have to confront them head-on and wrestle them to the ground with my bare hands.

I need resolve, dedication, and perseverance now more than any other time in my thus far inconsequential life.

The first step begins tomorrow.