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my mind by ecurps

I admitted something to a coworker about myself in an attempt to cheer him up/help him out. when I told a friend about it for laughs he... gave me problems(?) about it.
my coworker has a crush on a new employee and he keeps saying how hard it is to talk to her. I told him I approach every interaction with the belief that I have no chance, that I will never be good enough. it makes it easier for me to be casual with women, especially with women I find insanely attractive.
my friend said "that's depressing as fuck. where'd that come from?" when I was a teen I asked a lot of women out. shot down every time. I got so low I'd ask if I even had a chance, not even asking them out anymore. the few times I did it they said "yea, I don't see why not." yet when it came up I was forgotten. like usual.
he did what every one else says when I talk about the inner workings of my mind: says some half-assed bullshit about going through the same thing and that it didn't cause him that many problems.
I was timid and emotional. everything I did was wrong. every mistake I made a fucking catastrophe. I'm still fairly emotional and I want support and help, but I hate bringing it up anymore because everyone treats me like a piece of shit when I say anything. even the people who claim to be my friends belittle me and refuse to understand things from my perspective. whether I'm sensitive to it or I picked it up from watching people from the social gutters, I recognize body language and inflection and facial features and when these people make me feel broken and wrong and worthless through these postures and movements... what am I supposed to do? I get angry and close up because once again I've opened myself up to someone I thought I could trust and instead of helping me they throw salt on it.
I try to ask for help but get insulted instead. divulge a part of how I keep myself safe and I'm ridiculed. and all you fucks expect me to think with my dick and open myself up to every woman I find attractive with no regard to how it would affect ME and when I want to think about my own well-being I'm called stupid and selfish and.....

I just desperately want to destroy something and cry all at the same time.... I can't explain myself simply enough for anyone to understand. but I can't cry... nobody is willing to help me heal. I don't know how to heal myself. guess I'm just broken and worthless...

I don't wanna live anymore. I just wanna be dead...

my mind


1 September 2015 at 20:47:17 MDT

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