All I want in a relationship is intimacy. For someone to love me and to love them in turn.
But I don't know how. I can comprehend it and quantify it but I don't know how to do it. Because I've never had it. The closest I've come to it was a deep affection with a woman I had known for 6 years. I've seen people experience it.
read about it.
But never really felt it.

I was in a car crash when I was 7. hospitalization and severe surgery. I survived and everyone thought I was good.
Then they found out I had memory problems and disassociation. But they did nothing about it. Said I'd more or less out grow it.
I haven't.
Over the next 10 years I was mentally and emotionally beaten. Other kids treated me like shit. So did the teachers. When I had problems in school it was my fault. “why are your grades so bad?” I don't understand the information. “then why didn't you ask for help?” I did. They said I wasn't paying attention. “why don't you ask for help at home, then?” because my mom doesn't know.

Growing up my mom didn't teach me anything except how she wanted me to behave.
Be quiet.
Don't move.
Do what I tell you.
You're a child. You have no right to an opinion.
Be nice to people.
Put others before yourself.
Don't talk back.

When I was frustrated or angry I couldn't do or say anything about it. I wasn't allowed to be angry.

My “father figure” was whoever my mother was dating and my grandfather.
They didn't teach me anything, either.
The only thing I learned from them was how NOT to behave.

Any time I tried to do things for myself I was wrong. I'm a failure. I'm not good enough. I'm an idiot.
Any time I was passionate about something I was ridiculed. I'm stupid. It looks like shit. This is crap. This is worthless. You are wasting time, money, resources.

The only things I know how to feel now are joy, sorrow, anger and nothing. I don't like feeling nothing, but joy only last so long. And sorrow and anger have so many triggers.

I don't know how to interact with people aside from how a servant might interact with a master.
You look nice.
Lovely outfit.
Have a nice day.
Please and thank you.
Can I help you with something?

I don't understand life. How people do anything.
I hear about people that experienced love at first sight.
That's impossible.
Others say they've know each other for years.
Nobody want's to be around me that long.

I've seen and met some beautiful, wonderful women.
Hi. I think you're beautiful and interesting and I would like to get to know you better. Is that okay?
I can't say it, though, as much as I'd like to. Either I get a look of contempt or no answer at all.
They always already have someone else, anyway. Or they're not interested in being with anyone at all.

I've told people about myself as an unbiased concept.
“oh my god, that sounds amazing!”
can I have a chance?
“no. I don't know you.”
can we spend time together so we can get to know one another?
“no. I'm interested in someone else I met before you.”
can I at least be your friend?
…..
no response.

I was told friends do things for one another. Help with work. In life. In love.
I've asked friends for help.
No response.

I've held one job. Nobody would hire me because I have nothing.
Finally got one because I had a friend already working there.
Hiring manager tells me she wouldn't have given me a chance in his name hadn't been on my application. Because I had nothing.
Still can't get other work. Nobody wants to train. I don't match their personality archetype.

I can't get anything because I am nothing.

Everyone who asks for help gets it. Except me. They have people who support them; are there for them.
There's no one here for me.

It'll get better
hang in there
be yourself
keep your chin up
change your attitude
be positive
think about what you have

these don't help. these hurt.
It's hot air that fills a balloon. And when it bursts those voices judge. They condemn because I don't accept what they perceive as help.

Everyone seems to have an actual person there to pick them up when they are down. To guide them when it's dark.

I'm alone in darkness. Dots of light twinkle in the distance and no matter how far or fast I travel none of them come closer.
One might pass me by and bring some light for a small amount of time.
But soon leave me alone in the dark once again.

Then there's the islands. People who are self reliant, needing nobody as they live their lives. People come and go and they remain unaffected.

I'm far from that.

I've been alone and mistreated for so long that I can't trust anyone. I keep myself locked away. I know that if they stay long enough I would be willing to open up. Let them in.
they don't stay. Because when I don't open up when and how they want they discard me. Like something that's not worth their time.

When I get down deep I want to lash out. Break. Burn. Destroy.
But I can't.
My training is too complete.

Right now I hope that's what I need to fix whatever it is that's wrong with me.
Someone who has patience and is willing to be there long enough for me to open up and make me feel something better than worthless. Because I can't do that on my own. Others made me build the walls around me and it's locked from the inside.

But there's the key to my pain. Hope. The light I've been told to go to. When everything gets better.
I'd have probably killed myself a long, long time ago if not for that illusory promise of a better future. I hope for it. And still I suffer. But I still hope.

I wonder how much longer it'll last...