Huh - seems like silly crime dramas can have some punch to them for me personally. I honestly have no idea what the show was since my friend changed the channel to it, and the channel guide was incorrect, but it was very poignant. Young boys were being abducted and found later horrendously traumatized and probably left with PTSD, and it was found that a 20-something young man was the culprit. The thing was, the young man would put them in a specially made 4 x 4 x 5 foot 'cell' underground to 'punish' them for innocuous crimes, such as egging a man's house on Halloween.

Turns out, the young man was mirroring the punishment he got as a young teen from his father, who had put him in a trunk for pranks on Halloween, and the trunk incident, along with his mother inadvertently killing the father in a flying rage after she got home to find her son in the box, left an indelible mark on his psyche, feeling that others deserved to the punished just like he did.

The thing is, outside of this being a crime drama, the situation they put around the main story really hit a note for me, namely about that urge to punish others or oneself for innocent behavior. I get that fairly frequently, and I find that if I don't like something that someone is doing, I feel a very strong urge to punish them to tell them that what they're doing is unacceptable. I'm so passive-aggressive about it though that it turns into shunning that person so lightly that it doesn't make them notice much at all, unless they're my friend who is hyper-sensitive to my emotions. I feel that that passive-aggressive shunning is because I know what I'm doing is not fair, and I try to squash it, leading to the weird mixed message and me not actually just opening my mouth and saying that I am annoyed by someone's behavior. It's petty, and a relic of my past.

I also punish myself at times of extremely low self esteem when I find myself not doing something well enough or shirking a responsibility. Usually I punish myself by denying myself pleasure, which could be just personal discipline in any other light, but the emotion behind it is quite toxic. I've gotten better at thwarting that conditioned behavior, but my behavior towards other people is still a struggle.

So, while I never seek out crime dramas, they can sometimes provide stories that are rather relatable. It doesn't help that they often have the dispassionate, rational person to describe what's going on in clear-cut terms and no bullshit. I like those people : ).

Seeing this show has been quite beneficial to me, and has helped me see my issues from a different, outside source. I also, in my ponderings, wandered back to the comments on my journals on Complex Trauma, and Swandog's webpage on CPTSDLight: http://www.cptsdlight.com/xenia-eliassen.html . I am now considering seeing if I can become a creative on that page, and contribute something to the traumatized community. I am happy!

I think I know why I have so much more get-up-and-go: I've run out of my anti-depressant Paroxetine for about five days now, and I suspect that it makes me more depressed than I usually am (counterintuitively, I know, but it's not impossible). Not having it in my system allows my inner spaz to come out, that actually has some passion and drive. I'm certainly making use of it for sure - I've been able to get a lot of illustrations done for the genetics sim, and actually think about things in the future that I might want to do, and actually DO them! Holy crap! XP

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In other news, yesterday was a blast! I went out fishing at 7am, and caught five fish! I haven't had that much luck in a long time, but the cooler temps and early hour certainly helped. I caught two hand-length bluegill, a baby bluegill at half that length, a small largemouth bass about two inches longer than the bluegill, and a really good-sized largemouth at maybe a foot in length. His fillets were grocery-store level quality, let me tell you!! They were an inch thick, both of them!! One meaty fish for sure.

But, these fish were not meant for human consumption. I cleaned out three of them, filleted the big largemouth since my knife wasn't good enough to cut through bone, and left the other two as is (with lots of photos - they are beautiful subjects for painting!). I then went and froze all of them, having cubed up enough of the meat (the baby bluegill and some of the big largemouth) for its true purpose.

Sava, my monitor lizard. <3

Needless to say he greatly enjoyed the fresh fish. It's a great money-saver, to be able to catch your own food for your pet, and I wouldn't have it any other way <3. I've got him a colony of Dubia Roaches that I hardly touch, since they take 3 months to get to adult size, and then only parturate (give birth, though these guys are ovoviviparous) every 3 months, so they're slow to restock themselves. I catch him cave crickets, grasshoppers, and katydids, and dig up earthworms for him. And then catch him some fish for some much needed calcium in them thar bones XP. Can you tell that I love my lizard? I'm sure it's barely noticeable! laughs

I've also got plans to sign up for another RAW showcase if there happens to be one in Pittsburgh coming up, but if not, I'll take my chances elsewhere in the country. : D Here's hoping I get another show sometime soon!

I've got a big pet-sitting gig coming up, from the 20th-30th, so I won't be on my big rig desktop, but I'm sure I'll find a way to work on commissions.

Cheers everyone, and thanks for reading!! Your support makes so much of a difference in my life. I wouldn't be where I am right now without your generosity. <3