Doing this in notepad on the fly, so forgive for the typos. More than usual, anyway...

But just have this issue that's been bugging me on and off for years I've found one possible cause to me not having an easy time giving any affection to guys, even though I like guys mostly. I'm old compared to a good chunk I know or hang with (38 in July), and going to a recent NOVAFur event in public seeing a handful of the crew hugging/cuddling/piling with each other and being chill and OK with it makes me jealous. Guess they make it look like its so easy to do or OK to do.

And I realized most of them I see doing it are a good 10-15 years younger than I, when things shifted big time atmosphere wise and high schools after I graduated. Back when I was in jr high and high school (graduated 1996), if you showed ANY kind of affection past a handshake or bro-fist or quick hug to a guy, you were lucky if you only got a verbal assault from others if not beaten/bullied for it the rest of your stay at said high school. SO, I feel like I've been brought up to not really show any affection around guys... even if I'm basically gay and i like guys and most of my friends I may wanna do that with sometimes are guys.

An example of how things were in my high school and most around it my friends at the time went to I was in touch with - if you were known to be gay, God help you. if you showed any gay affection towards another guy, you got beaten. I did so to one who acted, if not truly was gay and liked to push straight folks buttons. When I was half a year from graduating, I had come across some guy i fell in love with online and became my first boyfriend and exploring where I truly seem to stand. a couple friends started to very quietly come out of their shell saying they were bi and/or gay u it wasn't public info. So I graduate, return to the school couple years later in 98 to see teacher and such...

...And I see folks in the special ed wing i had most of my classes in having guys hugging each other and the atmosphere felt very, VERY close to how fur cons go. Night and day difference. I was like "WHY didn't this exist when I was in school, or at least not castrate you for wanting to be that affectionate with friends?"

So I guess my question is - has anyone else felt similar things or had similar issues? Am I the only one, or is this more common than I am aware of? I'm not talking about moving from hugging someone to sex or other things. Just "Hey i wanna hug and hold my best friends". And I guess the bigger question is... what to do about it? How you handle folks online is way different in how folks IRL care to be handled. random hugging someone IRL isn't a wise idea heh.

I also am a bit conscious on how I look, as I'm not exactly young or good looking. SO I feel in ways I'd be a creepy "That Guy" kind of deal if i started to get openly affectionate on friends I was comfy and close with. And for now if i think "I wanna hug or cuddle with x", all of a sudden anxiety flares up, a million things race in my mind like "that ok he/she ok with it? what if i go to far? what if i weird them out? how long should I hold them before things feel awkward? "

Guess let me know your thoughts on it, for those who care to speak up.