Another wall of text incoming... Highly egocentric because there's a good chunk of self discovery involved, somewhat revealing, descriptive and hopefully informative. I would suggest reading it by those who talk to me every now and then, it can explain why I act as I do, and possibly make you give me input on the matter.

---

Some days ago I was reading stuff on Wikipedia and I managed to end up on the article about alexithymia.

I was reading the article and thought this is hitting home. It was a fascinating and I would even say eye opening read.
Then I looked if there's any tests on the internet and there seems to be one.

I took it, and it gave me 148 points, well into the red end of the spectrum and description "You show high alexithymic traits" with a breakdown of various categories :

Category: Difficulty Identifying Feelings: 21 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Difficulty Describing Feelings: 18 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Vicarious Interpretation of Feelings: 12 Points <8 - 9>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Externally-Oriented Thinking: 35 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Restricted Imaginative Processes: 21 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show some alexithymic traits.

Category: Problematic Interpersonal Relationships: 30 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show high alexithymic traits.

Category: Sexual Difficulties and Disinterest: 11 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show some alexithymic traits.

---

Alexithymia is basically inability to identify and describe emotions of oneself. This also makes it hard to deal with other people, particularly the more emotional people - I don't know and really understand what goes on in me, much less others...
My INTP personality type is also described as being really weak with the whole emotional side. Brain is the one in charge and moderates whatever is going on. That is most certainly true about me.

That doesn't mean I feel nothing, I just don't know what I feel... except the häppy, that is the one thing that I have no problems with, and that is probably why I tend to seem as having that carefree häppy personality. It is the only stuff that makes sense to me and what gets flown out for others to see, the rest... stays hidden, you won't get to see it because I really don't know how to convey it. I do imagine some other person next to me would be able to pick something out from body-language though, but that's as far as things go I imagine.
For example here I see journals that deal with sadness, loss and a variety of other things. I read them, but I am kinda lost, I cannot really write any response to them as much as I'd want. I have "learned" responses to some occasions but you cannot really say they are completely genuine, and really because I cannot say I understand the concept in the first place. There's then risk of seeming distant and cold because of no response, or being fake because the response that does come is well, not coming from "the heart", I just think that this is appropriate (and it might not be the case, and that can lead to friction that I am afraid of...). But my intentions are sincere, as crude as they may be... I just really don't know how to express myself...

Alcohol, as bad as it is, has enabled me to explore some of this unknown world. It does greatly amplify what goes on inside and I don't mean the head, making it more obvious and allowing one to have some thought about it, and attempts to make sense of the whole thing, even if the process is wonky because brain is kinda not really functioning so well...

It has been very interesting to find out about this though, it shows that there's something to it, and there's others like it. I have been like this as long as I remember...
In these past few years of my life have been making a whole lot of self discovery, thanks to internet... just reading things and every once in a while stumbling upon something that hits home.

I have said that once you are made aware of the problem you gain the power to fix it. The wording might not be completely appropriate but the idea behind it is. No idea how hard it is gonna be though... With the help of others I imagine it is completely possible to get somewhere... help me...? :)

And no, I'm not self-diagnosing. Just probing ground and gaining extra understanding of myself. I am diagnosed with something that is close in some ways though, some papers say I'm autistic schizoid.

I have lost my flow of thought, and it is kinda late here also...