I'm a heteroromantic grey-ace myself. My problem though is, half the time I have a hard time getting close enough to people to feel anything for them though. Like, if someone hits on me? Nope,we're done. End of conversation. I don't like being hit on. At all. Its emotionally and mentally awkward for me. The only people outside the internet that understand and support my sexuality is my parents and my best friends. The rest of my family gives me the, "You're too young to understand." "You'll meet that certain person." "You don't have to have a relationship to have sex." "You'll change your mind." and then there's my parents "If you don't want a boyfriend, husband or significant other and don't want kids, don't let anyone tell you different. You won't hear it from us!"

I'm AroAce, myself. c: I actually find it hard to keep friends because they think I /like/ like them after a while. I try to explain it but it seems hard to understand. I experience no romantic attraction whatsoever ahh

This post is gonna kinda be TMI but I feel like I need to get this out there for my own healing/acceptance process:

I only recently came to terms with the fact that I am asexual, despite for years thinking I was pansexual. It's been tough for me since I feel I've lied to myself and to other people by telling them I was pansexual, and I still have feelings of brokenness over it even though anyone I've told (just very, very close friends or other lgbtqa+ friendly individuals) have been supportive of me. I still don't know for sure if I'm grey ace or just ace or if my attraction that might seem sexual is just aesthetic attraction (sometimes I'm very sure it is just that) leaving me to a lot of self-discovery that I have to do on my own.

My libido is very polarized (sometimes I have a very high, insatiable drive that almost feels hypersexual, other times I go weeks upon weeks without any arousal or desire for anything sex-related) and I used to think that because I fantasized, felt aroused, had desire for things inherently sexual in nature, etc. that I couldn't be asexual. But the fact that I've never once had sexual attraction to a living, breathing human being hit me like a truck one day and I can't see it any other way anymore. Even in relationships where I have done sexual things, it was always more an arousal response to the activity at hand, and after it was over, it was more or less I was "satisfied" the same way masturbation satisfied. There were no feelings as a result of those activities, no desire to do more with the person, I didn't see them as sexier or more lovely than before; sex was a totally separate part of my relationship with the person that I set aside as a way to satisfy biological needs. It made me feel guilty to even sit down and realize that this was it, this is how it was in every relationship and for so long I mistook it as sexual attraction when it wasn't. It could have been anyone during those moments, it had nothing to do with the person I was with when it came to sexual activities and I am still working on my guilt that tells me I used those people for my own needs. Despite this, I don't feel like I was entirely lying when I said I was pansexual... but it's more a pansexual preference--as in when I do seek sexual satisfaction through porn or other activity, gender is a non-factor in almost all cases.

I'm at least somewhat certain that I'm panromantic, though a lot of what you described here feels very familiar to me as a person too and I don't know what to think. Like... I think about holding hands and hugging and I desire these things sometimes but I don't know if I'd ever want to kiss somebody. I think about it sometimes/fantasize about it but if I think about myself kissing someone I feel very awkward and strange. Same with sex-related activities too. It was easy for me to consider all of this to be a result of my crippling social anxiety, since it has kept me from living a 'normal' life in all other areas of my existence too, so why not here? And maybe it does factor into it somewhat, but I have had very strong, love-like emotions for others (even just online) and I could hug them and hold their hand and WANT to do those things without the usual anxiety being present. At the same time, something you said related to me a lot: "I could happily live with my best friends for the rest of my life with no sexual or romantic partners..." This is something I feel too, and with my best friend, we often say "I love you" and I would gladly coexist with him forever if I could without any other partner, sexual or romantic or otherwise because I feel like a strong, platonic relationship suits my needs best (but not his). At the same time, I often think about having a romantic relationship with others (of any gender) but I have such limited experience with actual people and relationships that I can't tell if that's simply fantasy too or if, in actuality, I would like to be in a romantic relationship with another individual or multiple individuals (polyamory has also been something on my mind).

When I think about -actually- being in a real relationship, as in one where we are close enough to boop each other on the nose if we wanted, it feels weird to even imagine it. I'm... really closet-y, honestly, and since I still live at home and have a strong relationship with my mom, and somewhat with my dad, I can't even imagine having any sort of sexuality discussion with either of them, let alone bringing home a partner of a gender that would make me perceived as anything but hetero. I can barely be the gender I want to be with how things are right now--I can't even buy a binder without feeling like it'll end in embarrassment for me. I don't know how I'd even fathom coming out or following my desires for a partner that isn't cishetero. I can't even deal with my dysphoria most days, so this just piles on top of needs not being met.

So, all that said, I guess the very real conclusion is that I'm still very confused and I think I will continue to be confused and upset until I get some independence and, in turn, the ability to explore without the fear of being limited by my environment and chastised by my family.

Anyway, even though I've been reading up on asexuality and learning more about it and trying to feel comfortable with myself, I feel like this journal hit home better than most of anything else I read. So thank you, and sorry for the super personal and TMI comment.

I just wanted to tell you that I think you're very brave! It took strength to talk about yourself here, and interestingly enough, I have learned more about my own sexuality from this post than all the google-ing I've done previously! So thank you for sharing this is amazingly informative!