Being alone, like... home alone puts a huge weight on my chest.
I'm not exactly sure why. I've never liked being completely by myself.
Over the years it's turned from a fear into a burden.
I have too many insecurities and too much time to think, and not having to hold myself together to show everyone else that I'm "okay," for some reason puts a heavier weight on my chest than having to hold everything in.
Being alone means that I can finally react to things that hurt. It's not a good thing for me. There's no one to hold me back from doing something terrible to myself wether it's physically or mentally. I'm weak from all of the years I've been made fun of, all of the insecurities I hold against myself, not having here the one person I want most, not being listened to by my family when something really matters.
I guess it could still be a fear... It's a fear of my own wandering mind I suppose.

I've been having a shitty couple of days. I'm sorry to let it out here.
I've already broken down because of school, lost the feel of normalcy when my former room mate (visiting for the weekend) had to leave, I'm already stressing about this online class I have to take... Not the best way to start.
After 3 hours of sleep for the night and waking up for my 8am class, I'm going to try to take a nap.
I hope this works.