I often look back on where I've been, where I am, and where I am going. A lot of us do, this isn't exactly something that's special to me personally. I just tend to find it as a decent exercise in order to take stock of my life and what I'm doing with myself. More often now I look at the choices I've made and the ones I have yet to make, and question everything from my career to my relationships. Have I been doing everything the best I can? Have I been putting in the effort I truly expect from myself? These are the kinds of questions that in the wee-hours of the morning as I make the 20-or-so-minute walk from the train station back to my new apartment in North Jersey I ask myself constantly, wondering if this is what makes me happy.

At the end of the day, as I tell people who ask me questions similar to those I ask myself, you need to do what makes you happy. Pigeon-holing yourself in a position where you're relatively safe isn't unfortunately always the optimal solution, as often while logistically you're making yourself well-off, you may be mentally or emotionally detached. Passion is a word that's thrown around a lot in my line of work as a means of trying to explain why people choose to do more work for less while still striving to do the very best they can while they work on a program, event, or production. That's not to say that it doesn't exist. I look at my Facebook constantly and see people making a difference. My cousin has been to islands in the Caribbean teaching kids how to speak English. Another of my friends is a member of the Peace Corp. Another is a chef who's been traveling the world trying to understand the complexity of world cuisine.

I'm proud of each of them for their accomplishments and wish them nothing but the best in their future endeavors of course. But it does offer me a chance to reflect on the things I've done, as I approach 26. I can certainly say I'm in an industry that I love. Sports offers me a chance to talk about something that I have a general interest in while not being bogged down necessarily in the world of "Hard News" which I've seen drive people into fits of depression having to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I now live closer to work and I've been able to enjoy more of my life, have a better sleep schedule, and so on.

But there's still things in my life that bother me in that I constantly wish to have a greater presence on my life. I don't feel like my job for instance utilizes my creativity as much as I'd like. I think this is in large part a reason why I cook as often as I do, as I write this having completed baking a second chocolate zucchini bread loaf and am preparing a dinner of balsamic pork chops with roasted red potatoes and asparagus. Writing used to hold a greater interest in me, yet now I just don't seem to give it the time anymore. I have ideas in my head for sure. My imagination hasn't gone anywhere. I just tend to always struggle to start and maintain the drive to get my thoughts down and share them with someone when it's not necessarily those of my own personal life.

Love is something which I've constantly struggled with and still struggle with to this day. Not necessarily in that I have difficulty finding it or holding on, but just in that I tend to either become distracted or become detached in a physical means, either by physical distance or commitments to my career. Currently my girlfriend and I are separated by several hundred miles. We took this journey knowing full-well the difficulty and challenges that awaited us. However that doesn't make it any easier when you stare back at pictures and dates on the calendar, remembering what it was like to hold her in my arms, to smile and laugh together and know that was something you haven't felt in over six months. You wonder "am I doing enough? Am I doing right by them? Can I really be the kind of guy they deserve?" A reassuring smile or tug at the arm is all that's really required to brush those worries away, but it's not always easy when you know that you both are committed to your work, and rightly so. We're planning a trip within the next few months which I know will be a great experience for both of us, but as always those few times we're together are few and far between, making the wait for the next venture that much more difficult to wait through as we return to our regularly scheduled lives.

Do I regret anything in my life? Some things I'm sure. Being more active at times, being more focused at other junctions. I've learned the hard way many of the lessons I tend to preach to others about waiting for something to come to you as opposed to reaching out. I've had opportunities pass me by or not fought hard enough for something I've wanted. It happens to all of us. And yet there are still those things which I have, and continue to place every effort I can to achieve something which I think will truly make me happy. In my career, my life, my relationships, I can say that I still struggle and claw in these aspects in one way or another to make the most out of the life I have to live for not only the day, but for the potential of what could be.

It's what gets me out of bed in the morning.