I want to destroy everything I ever had and ever made.
Wreck all my relationships with people.
Obliterate all my belongings.
Destroy all ties and connections.
Neglect myself.
Abuse myself.
Leave the house and keep walking.
Grab my car and keep driving.
Driving until the gas ran out. Until the car broke down. Until people stopped giving me rides and I have to go on my feet and walk. Walk until my shoes gave out. Walk until my clothes gave out. Walk until my willpower and body gave out. Just to keep moving and going and going.
Moving from place to place. Experience all sorts of destruction. Witness countless feelings of pain. Let my mind decay. Let it rot. Get lost in my own head. In my own world. Stay there and never return.

It's not that I am afraid of anything.
It's not that I hate anything.
it's not that I hate myself or am depressed.
Just the love of destruction, and the love of pain, the love of decay and of mutilation.
sick fascination.
It would make me happy. Sick happy. Destructive happy.

Burn down a walmart. Steal animals from a lab. Set fire to my life.

But there is the equation of other people. I think to be happy, I would have to lose everything and start walking. Hitchhike. Make friends. Sleep on couches. Join a travelling band, travelling freakshow, travelling circus. Transient blood is in my DNA. I dont fit into the square block of society, I dont think I even want to. I yearn to, but I dont want to, I dont know if I even could.

I want to see the sunrise every morning. I want to walk in grass and feel the earth. I want to scream and attack people. I want to rip into the ground. Slashing, gnashing of claw and tooth. nails peeling off, flesh grinding down, digging until I lost my hands.
What am I even searching for.
I am a dog with rabies. I feel nothing. I cant see anything. I dont understand anything. All I understand is writhing and thirst. Fear. Primal instinct. Behavioral reactions. Moving without seeing. Seeing without seeing. Moving without seeing, seeing. reacting to things that arent there, but by my perception. Tearing off my flesh. Ripping the flesh of others, eating people. Reaction.

I dont belong in this world. I'm not connected to it. I dont feel anything. I cant see anything. I dont know what to do.