Ever had those dreams where no matter what kind of dream/nightmare in their subject or what form you're in you're always running from someone/something? You run so long you can actually feel yourself fatiguing and the fear mounting of being caught, the drive to keep just out of reach of whatever is following you so powerful you just keep going until you find a possible hiding place, though you know that you'll still be found. Not quite nightmare, but not quite a dream either, and you have a sense there's a reason behind the recurring theme regardless the subjects.

I've been having these dreams just about every night, always running, always frightened, always needing to get away from SOMETHING. Most of the time it's a person I hardly know or seen before, and usually a male/man, the most recent one I can still picture vividly in my head though is pursuit wasn't so much aggressive as previous dreams, more like the patient type, glasses, short black hair, lanky, and all. Normally I can't clearly see who/what is after me, and if I try to fly, I end up back on the ground and running again shortly after.
This new dream involved a city setting with a maze of floors and stairways ranging from street level to lower, and higher, and I was doing everything I can to loose him and his group through misdirection, backtracking, everything... and he was still following. Eventually I had to stop and he did as well, sitting down nearby watching where I was hiding at the time.

The dream kind of ties in with a social problem that's been happening around the same time these grew more frequent and intense, where they started out as vague recollections or end 'scenes' of running. The best I can describe it is being anxious, nervous, and afraid of being pushed to the side and ignored instead of feeling a part of something. It's a feeling that grows more intense with groups that are growing faster than I can adjust to the idea and familiarize with new people in the odd times I keep between my job and home life.

For all I know this could be another depression episode trying to set in, and it's been what... half a year since my last serious one? I think I've done a damned good job keeping it bottled and in check compared to the past where there seemed to be a journal vent every other week.

No I'm not on medications, and I'm terrified of the idea of taking meds because I saw what it did to one of my cousins, who has it far worse than I could ever reach. I take more after my mother, where I'll try to bury my depression in projects until I can better process and overcome the issue without making things worse than they really are.

The other part I think is deep-broiling frustration at some parental figures making presumptions about my nature and thought processes and refusing to acknowledge that I'm any different than the person that left their home four years ago or that I've been working as hard as I can to become more... publicly social on my own. So they would go, "You know why you do that? It's because _______ (insert reason)" as if I don't know myself, and it's incredibly demeaning. I don't think they know or can grasp the full extent of why I left aside from monetary reasons. They are incredibly supportive people, but they don't realize they will say something uplifting, and then in the same breath make a crass remark about me that just... HURTS, and the anger and infuriation boils up. Do I dare say anything about it? No, because that would then be selfish and immature. On top of that said parental figures want me to visit them this coming July, and I don't know yet how the tickets will be handled, or if I really do want to go, as I feel it's more for their benefit than mine. Last time I was up there I was doing chores about half the time as if I never left. Yeah I was able to go out and spend time with the friends I have up there, but being winter I couldn't go out into the bay and really unwind in the kayaks.

In total summary, I've been in a really low art funk where I've been writing more than drawing, and I sincerely apologize about this to my commissioners. I hope my next session of days off coming up will show better spirits and motivation to do so.