Congrats, you get it. It's why my profile motto is, "Expect nothing." The first step is in realizing this, but truly accepting and implementing it is another obstacle that brings its own challenges. I wish you luck on that part.

This actually sounds pretty healthy to me. Or, I should say, more like...the road to being healthy? I wish you luck in your path, but more than that, I wish you the ability to find contentment and peace.

I have to say, I relate a ton to a lot of the things you've said here. I experienced these feelings the worst right during and right out of high school, I was obsessively jealous and angry about my "status" and felt like I was failing at my only skill. It took me a long time of talking and working through it and getting medicated before I began to really move past this and feel better- I had resisted it for the longest time, but in the end it was the best option for me. Of course we're all different, so I'm really glad for you that it seems like you're finding your own way. c:

I briefly researched Buddhism, and while I ultimately decided it wasn't for me there are a lot of aspects of it I admire and know influenced me for the better. :> I'm glad it seems to be helping you find some peace.

Very inspiring, thank you for writing it. You certainly have a way with words when it comes to expression!

The best way to be an artist is to not be an artist, is what I say. Have no goal or expectation. Do what you want to do. Do what makes you happy. There is nothing else in life that matters. I've learned that I shouldnt focus on a market. I shouldnt focus on what other people want. I only should focus on what I want, all else will follow. call me a nihilist, but when people tell me they want to be an artist, I tell them not to be. Just stop. Dont do this to yourself, dont go to school. Just stop and enjoy life and the art will come to you. Art school is a sham and creates unreal expectations. Nobody is nothing, and everything is just out of reach. Stop and miss the train. Let it go by you, and enjoy the scenery around you.

I've been starting to understand this myself over the last few months. It's been almost four years since I discovered my True Self, and only in the last few months have I truly started to embrace her. In embracing her, I am also facing the parts of me that I dread to face every day... the craziness, the appearance of being deluded, of being seen as stupid, or childish, and I've been noticing, much as you have been, that what and who I am is not dependent upon what other people want me to be.

Also, I know some of the feelings you described, such as the artists getting better around me. Up until about a year ago, I sometimes would lament that my artwork wasn't as good then than it was say, ten years before that. And when I see artists who are 18 and 19 years old doing art that is light years ahead of my own, I do often feel inadequate despite drawing constantly ever since I first picked up a pencil. I'm in my early to mid 40's and I'm still not as good as some of these other folks, and the way our society is made up, we're expected in practice to judge ourselves based upon the performance of others, even though we hear constantly that we should only judge based upon ourselves. What people tell us and what is expected of us are usually two very different things.

And, being a big, bulky male in this lifetime, I feel immense pressure to be "tough," eating nails for breakfast and easily lifting 500 lbs the way most people lift a Kleenex... so being the person that I really am, who throws his back out if he lifts 25 lbs and can't run to save his life (gee, thanks Mom for acting as though the Exercise-Induced Asthma that I've suffered from since I was a little boy doesn't exist and convincing doctors that it's all in my head)... and GASP! I actually use my brain for something other than a glorified paperweight, I don't fit the image of the big burly tough guy that society tends to automatically want me to be, and they label me for the most part as a girly, good-for-nothing wuss. Add to that my belief that my soul is female and a dragon, and there are plenty of reasons for society to keep me down and away from any potential success.

But you're right: being valuable to others isn't going to make anyone truly happy. Oh, it might make them happy to be accepted, but in this society, unfortunately, most acceptance is conditional upon what you can do for others. Knowing yourself, and loving yourself, is the best thing you can do to make yourself into a truly happy and joyful individual. We each have our own path to follow, and our own 'issues' that we have to face. I'm glad to see that you've realized what yours are and are working toward dealing with them in a way that best suits you.

Best wishes to you. :)

I'm glad someone else is finally seeing the things that I've seen.

Don't let limitations hold you down; if you are not the best at something, you can still be great.

I believe that the "winner" of a game is the person who puts their all into it. The "best" artist is the one who pours his heart and soul into his work, regardless of how others view it.

You are not limited, and you are not to be used.

You are the only person in control of your happiness, and the only person holding you back. Convince yourself that you are not holding back.

You are not fat. You HAVE fat.
You also have hair. You are not hair :P
I've counselled many a struggling artist and pressure to achieve and draw the perfect thing is a common trap :< good luck and don't give up! ♡

Nah man it makes sense. You draw, but the drawing is not you. You cannot be happy if you put yourself into one thing, and base your happiness on that one thing you do, want, interact with, etc. It's rather obvious once you know how to look at it but we live in a career-driven society that prizes a title. the title isn't us.

I'm glad you realized a way to help become a healthier person Hun :) while I'm personally young and not as experienced in life as yourself, I have felt similarly about art and came to my own decisions about it too. I'm glad you won't stop drawing completely, as I do love your works, but allowing it to stress you out is unhealthy and making you unhappy! So I hope you feel less stressed and become happier :) <3

I think this is a really healthy outlook, or perhaps, as someone else said, a good step on the road to one. You can be an artist/a person who draws and paints, without being, yourself, art. (Though I would argue that you are a work of art in your own way.) There is so much pressure in our society to identify yourself with a skill or interest (or multiple skills or interests) and have that be YOUR WHOLE LIFE. I see it a lot in furry, people who have decided that Being A Furry is what they are, and that's all there is to them. It's not healthy or appealing. You aren't a complete person unless you have varied skills and interests - and note that I say you have skills and interests, not are skills and interests.

I looked into Buddhism a lot as a teenager (my father is a bit of one, in some ways) and while I can't agree with all the concepts, like most religions it has a lot of good teachings. I ultimately settled on Wicca, myself (though I no longer practice or identify as one; I'm more or less atheist at this point, feeling that the existence of a deity is outside my experience and does not affect my daily life anyway, so why bother with worshiping one?), and as I said above if you're interested in it you could do worse than checking out the book The Spiral Dance by Starhawk, though that's more tilted specifically to the worship of a Goddess than a multifaceted/gendered deity force. Later editions feature an expanded text with the author's growth in her life and religious practices added on.

I would discourage you from stopping drawing entirely if it's something you enjoy; however, detaching yourself from it as your main identity seems like a good idea. Best of luck <3

Just, all of this ;o; I really needed this journal.

I enjoyed the bit of Buddhist wisdom at the end. It was uplifting, and I needed that. Truthfully, i should probably research some Buddhist teachings on my own. I struggle so hard to manage my stress and anxiety, and what I think the world needs and wants of me. I respect your choices, regarding your art. I Just hope that whatever you do, you're happy doing it.

Mighty mighty hugs to you. It looks like you've inspired many people with your decision. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. throws confetti

Came back here to finish reading this

I can't remember if I showed you this link or not:
http://panatmansam.tumblr.com/
who used to be samsaranmusing, also on tumblr, if maybe his blog(s) was one of the sources you were reading from.