Or I was... I guess..

It's too easy for me to show myself as "Happy and dandy", and I do a darn good job at it.
But is it worth faking myself? I don't have many reasons to be happy, tbh. I stil lfeel empty on my inside, and while I can look happy easily, does it mean that really I am?

Well... if I do fake it and I look happy and stuff noone worries and everything goes "well"... but that thing eats my confidence slowly.

While I need to show up as strong, and having high confidence (Because many expect me to), doesn't mean that I really have that strength on me.

I'm not saying that I'm mentally weak, in fact, if I were, I would be way worse and I wouldn't be able to do the duties and responsibilites I have IRL and online.
What I'm saying is that it's too easy for me to show feelings that I don't have really, mostly because I'm on meds I guess.

It shouldn't be a problem, it really shouldn't. If we all "are happy" there aren't problems, right? Then why I should worry and try to show what I really feel, while I can just "stay happy"?.

Mostly because I'm tired of doing that. I would like to have a legitimate reason to be happy, and not just "be happy" to not worry others just cause I can use my mind to show myself as.

"Oh but you have a family that loves you, and lots of friends, why not be happy?" Because if it was like that, I wouldn't be like this right now, right?

As I said before in other journals, I feel empty on the inside, I lack something, perhaps someone to share the happiness I can give with, or just some to rely on closely and emotionally. And that's something that hardly a friend can give.

But I'm not expert at emotions, I usually fail at showing them correctly, and as such I can fake it easily. To the point that sometimes I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Perhaps I'm destined to be like this for a long time? I am too complicated for others to bother emotionally I guess. Too picky and hard? I don't know.

In any case "I can show as happy" and I think that most only care for that. If it doesn't show, there's no problem, right? Right?

But I don't want to anymore, mostly... I still fake without thinking, gosh I don't know what I'm doing anymore. What I feel? I don't know.

....