Everyone lives under their own little delusions, as I call them. Forget the negative connotation. Objectively, I talk about the blind truths we chose to follow without question, either willingly or ignorantly--or rightly or wrongly. For one reason or another. One reason is denial. Denial can be a hard thing. One works around it by any means necessary, and all for the sake of not facing what what one has locked away for one reason or another.

I only mention this because it's something I'm guilty of. So, this is a time to come together here. For me to let most all in on what I've really tried to keep at arms bay for all the wrong reasons. Reasons like: being raised in a southern region around a decent amount of bigotry. Religion too. How could I get by or even be LOVED if I turned out to be anything less than on the straight and narrow?

It was unthinkable. And difficult. Many a night was spent having gone to bed, wishing things could be different the next morning. Or wishing away what was surely just twisted, homoerotic fantasy. Or just atypical weirdness. Shame and fear was a constant companion to the reality that I might just be sick in the head.

But I'm not, and I've begun to realize i've been wrong about a good number of things.

So I'll just say it.

I'm transgender.

This is something I've hid very well, even to myself. To the point of having identity issues (gender, sexual, and otherwise). It's tanked a few relationships in a very short time---and with friends I truly had liked. It's also run alongside a long running depression, as well as body image issues. It can be said that I traded my food diet for one of cigarettes, alcohol, and other substances. Over the course of two years I lost seventy pounds after previously gaining 40 in a less than healthy way. Ive mistreated myself in the worst kind of ways. My body has always been something to abuse.

But worst of all was the act.

All throughout my younger years, I was moving. School after school and so on. It is not in my nature to complain about these things, seeing as I had no control. But another thing was, I was secretly grateful. I was never popular. Awkward. Tall. Goofy. I was called fag and gay a lot, which makes me wonder if I came off as feminine then. I don't think so, and it really doesn't matter. What did matter was the frequent moves allowed me a fresh start to try and be liked. It was something I desperately wanted. And over and over again I tried with little success.

Then one day I simply stopped caring, said "screw it", an let go into a strange blend of awkward and linguist, all wrapped up in someone who was constantly observing everyone but himself. I hadn't found myself, and wouldn't for a very ling time, but I had a different start.

So where is this leading? Well, I'd reached a point were I could present persona at will. And once I learned how it was to feel genuine and convincing in who I was, I was able to pick up all the others acts. Not that I needed them anymore, I figured. I was starting to be myself... Even if I wasnt sure who I was yet. I figured that would work itself out.

It didn't. Instead I just got more and more confused as time went on, especially when the teenage years started taking over After some time, I began to recall a bit of old habits, and found myself a personality I could swing with. Outwardly calm, and a bit of a pushover. But eager and kind in a way that made me easy to get along with.

Just so long I could be considered normal. It was at this time I started denying my feeling about who I was. I did a good job mostly. Yeah it was fake, but that was better than trying to be Her, at any cost.

Except when The Anger go through.

It came out in many ways. My writing, first and foremost. And then with my family. I became cold and distant from them. It finally started to come out through that calm, cool exterior. I got into fights with a variety of types. And then online... I developed this furious personality of sorts. One that came off as bitter and biting. It was easy to run with, because if It was clever enough, and If I was funny enough, then it'd be something I could go with. A hard persona would be better than Her---ignoring the fact that this schism was always fighting in the back of my mind.

And so I did this for a very long time.

Recently, however, I came to a bit of peace with myself. I broke down, in a way. I realized none of it was working. No matter how much I told myself anything would be better than that, it never got better.

I had to consider the fact that maybe things would be better if I did the things that allowed me to live fully. And I could do anything I wanted, so long as I wasn't afraid. So with the strength of few friends, and someone even closer, I started to see that I could be whoever I wanted and still be loved.

So I'm making changes, in more ways than one. Of all the things, coming out has proven to be the easiest thing up to this point.

Imagine my shock when my parents come to show the same love and compassion as my friends did when I told them. Imagine my shock to learn that my father, who. I stormed out on nearly five years ago, had taken steps to address his own anger and had broadened his mind solely for the sake of being a better father. And to have my own mom linking me to the same help resources Ive poured i over myself through the years, obsessive, trying to confirm that "oh that isnt me".

It makes me realize that I've kept myself in a hole for a very long time. Well, I'm bringing myself back up. Letting me be who I am without repression. I'm not here to say Im becoming something different, or that Im even going to change much, but that Im simply going to be steadily presenting myself more as I really am. ^_^

So hi. Pleased to meet you on this new page. It'll be more or less the same story, bit with a bit more hope and a cover with a feminine touch.

Do you know what it's like to suddenly realize that your deepest fears have vanished, only to be replaced by the average order of worry? (Bills, food, etc)

It feels amazing.
It feels in incredible.

Ill keep people updated on what I can, and feel free to ask any questions. As long as this is, it really is but a summary, only gracing what's led up to this and what's to come. To be honest I dont event know the half of it.... But for once in my life, it feels right.

Much love,

CC