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[Important] Personal crisis, big changes ahead. by Midnight Hyperion

WHY LEAVE FA AND HOW (FURTHER READING) | KNOW YOUR FUZZTAIL | DAKIMAKURA COMMISSIONS

Okay so maybe appending this heavy bit to the last journal wasn't the best of ideas, because I am reaching out to the entire community for help.

So to rephrase the heavy bit last journal. I am a pre-transition pre-op transgender woman, and I am at a crossroads point of my life where it is basically do or die. I am running out of emotional energy and I am beginning to feel great bouts of emotional distress and depression as of late, even going so far as thinking of my own mortality and how my friends will never know what happened to me if I were to die tomorrow, I fear that if this goes on, my thoughts would take a turn for the suicidal. Simply put, I cannot go on like this any more. If I am to feel that life is worth living, I need to get out of my rut, and most importantly, start transitioning.

However, there are risks involved, risks that I used to think I couldn't afford to take, risks that used to keep me paralyzed in my life. They are risks involving job/income security, a career future, and having a home. I feared that I could get the rug pulled out from under me employment-wise during transition, I feared that, because my coming out to my family 8 years ago didn't go as planned, as they stuck their heads in the sand on the issue, that my father might get violent, or that I could lose a home if he sees me transitioning.

Despite this, I have made the decision to transition, and the first step will be to seek counselling and to find employment. I am going to have to level with you here, I haven't had the best of luck so far earning a regular livable wage with my art, and I have been trying for years. I cannot afford to keep trying, even though I would love to spend all day drawing and sharing my works with you. I will definitely have to find gainful employment, and if I cannot find it here, I will have to find it elsewhere, and when I do, that will mean that I will have far less time to spend on art and music.

This is why I am reaching out to you all. If you like what I draw, and if you would like me to keep drawing regularly, I would really appreciate getting commissions, and help advertising my work. My ability to keep drawing regularly literally hinges on being able to earn a living wage with it, I cannot do this anymore without you.

I am going to give it one last go, I am going to start streaming regularly for sketch and coloured sketch commissions starting this Monday, and I will do so for 6-8 hours at a stretch. If you want a streamed commission, it is going to have to be $10~$15/Hour depending on complexity. So a sketch like this will cost around $63 in total. (4.5 Hours * $14) and an unshaded version will cost $35 in total (2.67 Hours * $13, rounded up to the nearest dollar.) A more refined unshaded sketch like this will run you about $56 (4 Hours * $14) It may seem high, and I am sorry, but I really can't really afford to lower my rates any more. My paypal address is Valkyrieproductions@gmail.com if you want to discuss commissions beforehand. Any extra donations will also be appreciated.

[Important] Personal crisis, big changes ahead.

Midnight Hyperion

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637
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17
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General

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  • Link

    xhyra

    +fav for later reposting because you're cool. I'll see if I can't hurl a few dollars at ya in the near future, too. <3

  • Link

    Scifox

    It is a sad reality that such a decision is a very difficult thing, one that all too often leaves the person alone.
    The reasons for the chaos behind your situation are, in the end, irrelevant, since it still ends with you having to make your choice and move on as best you can. Its not perfect, but nothing is.

    If you pull away the veils of sorrow, indecision, discrimination and misunderstanding, you are left with only two choices here: you can continue to try, or you don't. You must find it within yourself to do what is necessary to succeed. You've chosen this path, and no one can walk it for you.... it may very well end up that you will walk it alone for a long time. But that is the choice you must make.

    In a perfect world you could make your decisions and always have people at your side to love and support you every step of the way. That is not how our world works... this world where sorrow reigns. So you must fight and endure, or surrender. You have to look within your self and decide which one you truly want. But you cannot remain in limbo; that will destroy you.
    Seek out help from counselors and therapists as you said... they will be a great aid to you in this.

    I certainly wish you luck in finding employment.... it will NOT be easy, but you can do it..... and hope you find peace in the coming days.

    • Link

      Midnight Hyperion

      I don't think it will be as easy, I have been isolated from society for so long, it will be a challenge for me to even find a therapist I could talk to. But I am determined to try.

  • Link

    BigBlueSkies

    Having stumbled at 1 AM from my burning house a week ago, I can say with relative certainty that no one would have ever known if I had died that night.
    Now I'm making those connections so if something does happen...people know.

    Please don't worry. I can understand that things are desperate, but as long as you are reaching out, just like this, amd talking to people, ypu are doing yourself a world of good. Gird yourself for the climb ahead; just make sure you build your safety net of friends.

    They'll help spread the word! I will do my part where I can to help! And remember...

    Impossible doesn't exist.

    • Link

      Midnight Hyperion

      Are you alright though? I hope you didn't suffer any injury as a result of that fire.

      Also thanks, that is reassuring.

      • Link

        BigBlueSkies

        Yeah, I'm okay. I don't think I inhaled any smoke, no breathing trouvles. Just soot everywhere!

  • Link

    bamboozledore

    This is a position that I don't wish upon anyone. While I ultimately decided against transitioning for many reasons echoing those that kept you from it for so long, I know how heart-wrenching it is to be dead set on it and yet have it feel so far away (and also the bitter disappointment and defeat of abandoning it). I also know first-hand how devastating depression and suicidal thoughts can be, and I honestly wish there were something I could do to ease that for you. We haven't talked in a while, but you're pretty awesome and you don't deserve to be torn up like this.

    But this is a good start. Give yourself that push and find a way through that leads to your happiness in the end. It will be a long and hard road to travel, especially with regard to your family, but I'm confident you can make it through. It's unfortunate that transitioning will more than likely bring with it many more, very unwelcome changes to your life, but in the end, you're a woman, and denying that will only do more to ruin you. Maybe I'm proof positive that denying that for the sake of others or the sake of safety is no safer, as I'm sure your recent thoughts can confirm.

    This whole post sounds pretty sterile I think. I'm not really very good at being emotional (part of being depressed for so long, I suppose), but know that you do have friends who know how you feel and who want it to get better for you. I wish you all the best in the coming days, months, and years, and a successful transition to life feeling comfortable in your own skin.

    On a lighter note, I've been meaning to try and commission you at some point. Maybe when I get paid next month I'll talk to you about it. In the meantime, stay safe.

    • Link

      Midnight Hyperion

      Thanks, knowing that there are people out there that are supportive of me is really reassuring. This is actually the first time I have ever dared to show vulnerability online, and I hope that this trend of me finding more courage to make the decisions I need for peace continues.

      I am sorry to hear about your defeat, I hope that one day you'll be able to start back up again.

      And yes, I do miss talking to you.

      • Link

        bamboozledore

        Showing vulnerability online is scary, considering there are countless ways people can use it as ammunition to attack you if you make the wrong person angry. But it can also bring you closer to those who support you, which I feel is worth it in the long run. There's nothing wrong with letting your emotions out from time to time; It just proves you're human, or at least, a living being capable of emotion.

        As for me, I wouldn't worry too much about that right now. I have bigger problems of my own to deal with before tackling that issue again, but I appreciate the support. I still identify as female, at least online, and for now that seems to be enough to keep me sane in the meantime.

        And yeah. We should totally play Killing Floor or something at some point.

        • Link

          Midnight Hyperion

          If it helps keep you sane, I would definitely spend some time to play KF with you.

        • Link

          Midnight Hyperion

          And yeah, I do know of one person who would be all too glad to use it against me, but I think that he is more afraid of me than I am of him.

  • Link

    Mal'oo

    I can't offer any words of wisdom. I have tried and failed at too many important things to offer general advice, and what you're going through is something I can't relate to, it's outside of my personal experience.

    I have no money to offer, because I have no job. (Have an interview next week though, fingers crossed.)

    All I can really do is tell you that I care, a fat load of help that is. Please be safe, and do what you can to find happiness.

    • Link

      Midnight Hyperion

      Thanks, you have been a good friend, and I want you to take care of yourself before you think about helping me. hugs

  • Link

    Runewuff

    The poster above me just took the words out of my mouth, i'm in a similar situation. sounds like a good first step is to get living on your own, with stable finances. Good luck!

  • Link

    Woofle

    I know I'm late to comment, but I wanted to say how brave you are for going through with this, and being willing to talk about it. Most wouldn't be brave enough to bring it up, and a lot of us never say a thing, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone, and to keep the faith.