Hey guys. I'd like to sincerely apologize for how I've been shirking people off for the past few weeks.

It was one of my New Year's resolutions to be more social this year, and for a while I was doing a great job of being a social butterfly. I was making friends left and right and loving it...but eventually mountains of school work caught up with me. I did practically none of what I should have done during Spring Break, so ever since I've gotten back from it I've been having to deal with all the shit I wasn't responsible enough to handle earlier. Fortunately, the work load has backed off a little bit this week, but this little grace period won't last long. I've got stuff to do next week, and the week after is finals.

Then I get a break, right? Nope.

I have to go looking for a summer job again, and it'll probably end up a waste of time just like last year, when I applied to some thirty different places and got nothing. And after summer, it'll just be more school and more trying to find work in an endless cycle, until school is done then it will be job searching and eventually working exclusively.
Another New Year's resolution of mine was to get more stuff up on these sites, and because of all this work I haven't been able to do that. I still really want to, and I'll try desperately to do it when I can.

I'm realizing that I'm in a new stage of my life. A new, very, very crappy stage. I'm getting fed up with college life, starting to reach the point where I don't want people teaching me things anymore. At the same time, I am so damn afraid of the world outside that I never want to leave it. All I know how to be is an academic; it's all I've ever really done in my life. To this day I still haven't gotten a real job, even though I'm almost 22, and as the rest of my family is probably worried that we've waited too long, I'm feeling that way too. I'm realizing now that I've been wasting my entire life so far to some extent. I haven't learned any real life skills, know next to nothing about cooking or bill paying or insurances or anything crucial to independent life. I feel as though I've sealed my fate as the middle-aged son that never moves out of the house, and that it's too late to change it. I guess I felt that somewhere along the line college would give me some idea of these things, but I feel like I've learned nothing useful in that sense.

I feel extremely unprepared for the real world, and that there isn't enough time left to prepare myself.
And even if there was, I wouldn't want to. As much as I have to, I don't want to take this final step. It's going to bring nothing but depression and work that separates me from keeping in touch with people I care about and from doing things that I love. That's all life is a lot of the time: having to do something other than what you want. A special few are able to blend the two, but such a privilege isn't available for everyone. There are a bunch of things - PRODUCTIVE things - that I'd like to do, and I can't do them because of the ridiculous amounts of school work. Even when I'm not working on something, I should be. I can't stand it! The old saying "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" is practically what I've based my life upon. I need to play dammit! And realizing that my entire life from this point on is only going to decrease the recreational time that I'll have is pretty damn heartbreaking. I'm sorry, but I'm not exactly motivated to advance into a lesser level of existence than I'm currently in and have been in all my life.

Now, this isn't suicide contemplation or anything like that again, so don't worry THAT much. I'm just struggling, plain and simple. I'm cherishing every tiny bit of free time I get at this point, always wishing that I had more of it. If and when I'm able to get on IM services such as Steam and Skype, I NEED to relax and my regressive desires need to be indulged. If I could get help just with that, it would make things a little better.
Please help me :(