First Journal in a loooooooong time...
Maybe I should make account for the time that has been and what has prevented me from my creative activity. Maybe I should talk about what will be and what I will have in stock for all of you. Maybe I should tell of all the stuff that I'd like to create and what I want to get done...
Maybe I should talk about everything.

For almost half ofa year, I've been more or less unactive here on Weasy, on DevianArt, on Fur Affinity, Tumblr etc. My updating has been more or less zero since I took a step in my life that would totally ruin it, stripping me of all my creative abillity and possibilities.... It has left me scarred but not without a gret deal of useful experience.

In the beginning of Juli, last year, I met a person that I grew very very fond of. She had initiative, was gentle and friendly and yet fierce in a way that made me fall like a tree in a storm. After a time, she stayed at my farm as a so called "volunteer". She was from Vienna and had mastered Swedish in just one and a half year. And she just kept impress me more and more, to the point that I amost looked up to her as an idol.
In november, I told her what I felt and we got even closer. A moment that I do regret. From that moment, a shange appeared in her. Some things that I did or liked to do, like socialize here on this site, see friends or draw, paint or work with my crafts, suddenly became an subject of irritation and even anger. So much anger...
In faith and hope that we would "grow" into eachothers ways of living, I kept on and dove deeper into it. The this is though, that many of the things that I did (that in some way defines me, like beeing a bit ruff on the edges and having an open view on the world around - like the farmboy I am) was "unacceptable". A word that would be used quite frequently...
During the weeks or during a month that she stayed in Vienna to attend to her school, she wanted us to keep comunicating through Skype every evening... Every evening.... It's not that I didn't want to talk to her, but it turned into a routine, a must. And when talking to the person that I'm supposed to love feels like a must, then something's wrong.

This is when I turned into atotal friggin jackass. I kept believeing that we would addapt to eachother. The problem was that she didn't want to addapt to me. So I made promis upon promis that I would addapt more to her and be "better" than I was. So many promises.... My little finger is almost numb after all the "pinkies" I had to give in almost every talk we had. And If I didn't promis, then it would end up in fight, sadness and a couple days of missary. The result was that I suddenly had so many promises that I had made that I couldn't keep track of them anymore. That - of course - ended up even worse.

Heed this lesson.

This latest December and the christmas and newyear's eve the followed was the worst I've had in my whole life. There, a behavior that soon would become a dredded pattern started. It looked like this:
We would fight. Most of the fight were started by something minor, like that I would have used the word "like" instead of "love" ("like" which is "tycka om" in Swedish has a slightly warmer and caring signification in swedish, when used to a loved ones and family. It's can be seen as "liked and cared about") and that would anger her to the point that quite harsh insults would be uttered. In a few times, during this time I've spent with her, I came to the brink of what I could take. I broke asunder and told her that I couldn't keep on this way. I said to her that I wanted to end our relationship. From that point she softened and somehow managed to hook me back to her.
And that kept happening several times. I know that there are many that might have the same experiences and knows exactly of what I'm speaking. To thos that recognize this in a relation you're having right now I can just say "rethink what you're doing!"

To avoid tireing you all too much, I'll put the rest of this story in fast forward..
It's been lots and lots of traveling and much money involved. And with all that Skyping back and forth, it really wor me out until i felt more or less like an empty husk that followed her everywhere and in everything. I didn't dare to think about what I really felt, cause I allready knew that answer. When we weren't skyping (which was mostly discussions and fights) it was lots and lots and once again lots of sms-texting... again... monemonemonemoney...... And if I ever mentioned the expence of our communication, she called me greedy and cheep and self centered and gods know what else...
During the last stay i Vienna, she surprised me with saying that we could finaly, after all this time, become a couple. Girlfriend and Boyfriend. I felt such storm within me at that moment.. The only thing I could say to her was that It was my happiest moment of my life...
I'm not proud of that.

I fought agains my wish to just end it all and tried to carry on and go forth.
Then, when I landed in Sweden and recieved a rageful textmessage. I had - once again - promissed to text when I landed, but I saw that the plane was almost 20 minutes late. That fight didn't end that day.
Then came the day.
I was home from on a break from work and had promised to skype during the time beeing. I'm working within the ledercare and vist the olf folk to help them with differend daily matters and to provide some company and comfort. Ten minutes before the break was over, I got a larm on my working phone. It was a message that one of the ladies was paniking and needed urgent help. I tried to end the Skype and saying goodby.. but she didn't allow me. Such was the power that she practiced over me. It all became to clear to me and in a moment of redeyed rage, I just hung up and left.
Lots of texts followed. Angry and long texts that I didn't bother answering.
The same evening, I wrote her a long letter. Pretty much what I'm writing here, right now. Explaining what I've felt during this whole time. Many talks followed and I'm sure I've never been so cruel in my entire life...

So now it's finnished. I do not mourn its end. Only the scars it has left on her. She had a picture of me that I helped create. I broke it and destroyed our friendship forever. I just hope she finds a way in life where she do not fester upon unweary companions.

Sorry for this huge barf of personal matter.. It just feels good to put it behind me and be able to explain my absence, not just to you all, but to myself aswell.

Good day everyone. It's good to be back :3