I can't, really.

Lately I was using twitter to talk about my feelings but I feel it's not the right place to do it. And I'm running out of choices, tbh.

I'm an expert on faking my own feelings that's why when "I show sad" it's just part of the story. And I hardly ever I am allowed to show that I'm sad, since it always attract unneeded attention.

And by what I mean unneeded attention? By those that "Want to help" but don't care otherwise. Thing is, when you see someone sad you will normally try to help him/her, no? That's good. but there's something. If you have few friends, or few contacts, having someone that wants to help you, even if that guy inside doesn't care that much about you, does help. On the other hand, if you have lots of contacts (Or friends), you will find that like, half of them 'want' to help, while the other half simply don't care. And if you're feeling sad for some reason, and suddenly, like 25 users bombard you with messages, it does more harm than good.

At that times I'd love to have a really closer friend that I'm not shy to talk about that stuff, and not a huge wave of 'friends' that don't know what's going on with me but want to 'help'.

I am extremely picky, I might talk to some friends about certain stuff but not talk about other stuff with them but rather with others. It's hard to explain, really. It's weird. I might not be shy at all with those that 'I think' that think about the same as me and are like me. I might or might have not find that one person I can relate to, way of thinking, likings, studies, etc... yet I feel I'm nowhere near good enough to be real friends with someone that's like me, but I find that I'm nowhere near good to be at least good friends with that person.

See, you're good at what I would love to be good at, you do what I would love to do and are like me yet, why the fuck you'd want to be friends with some pathetic being like I am? There's no reason, honestly. And that saddens me each time, because even if I'm nice like always I feel that I don't deserve anything and I should be left alone and not have any chances.

What I have achieved, really? Caring for others, and helping? Meh, that's something that every reasonable user should do (But like 5% do). Managing something valuable that I think bring cheer and joy to some site? Meh, every prick that actually has a brain can do it, I just happen to know how to do it. Being part of the bones of the Steam trading community? Meh, I'm just a "janitor" not a 'big name' I dont' deserve anything.

It might take me other half a year to 'have' the basics knownledges that person has, yet in the meantime, I can 'try' to be a good friend with that one, but I know perfectly I don't deserve anything and I should be left to rot.
Both a blessing and a curse, even if I someday manage to be as good, I would have to be enduring the pain of knowing the fact that I can only watch, but never be part of, at all.

This still leaves me witth the fact that I'm living the lie of not being able to show how I feel, even after I take pills and weird stuff my parents make me to take, I can still feel pain, I can still feel sad, but I can't show it, just 'pretend' that I show it, or hide it slightly to not attract attention.
In any case, how many of my 'friends' care in any case?

You can ask "how'ya doing today?" but, do you actually care about the reply and what you asked? Or you just did to be nice?
Main way to see if they actually care is if to see that they're trying to be your friend and not just "for the sake of it".
Some say I even have some kind of 'fame' on Steam for some reason. Do I care about that? Absolutely not, but lately I have to be much more careful about those that want to 'be my friends' because they think I'm popular or something, and those that have genuine thoughts of being my friend.

Yes I might have many "friends" somewhere, but that doesn't mean that every guy there is 'my friend' rather I have each for a reason, and few, very few actually are in my "favorite" list of friends, because I trust in them. But even so, even if I trust them and I want them to care for me, I see that most don't actually care
Yeah most, some actually show they do... sometimes, which is good!, because I trust them to the point that I expect them to treat me the same way I do, which often, doesn't happen.
I can recall we're all hypocrites, tbh. I can sometimes forget that a friend might be sad or something. But I don't do that because I don't exactly care (It can happen tho) but rather because I can do so much with every one I try to keep up with, or just simply because I don't know the best way to help them, because if I try to help and I don't know well, I might do more harm than good (The same 'can' happen to friends that think about me but aren't aware on how to help me)...

That last sentece "Don't know how to help me", means so much. If you don't know me, yet you consider me as a friend, you can try to help, but you're likely to fail and only show me dubious messages that you might be trying to help 'just cause' or because you are genuinely interested in me. I have no idea. I can't know. I'd rather have the benefit of the doubt and not have you in the spotlight.

So yeah, basically, I am more 'complex' than some might imagine, which is always good (I suppose). Some that don't know me and just listen to hearsay, might think I'm a jerk, a selfish egoistical or something, which is far from true, but those trolls just listen to hearsay so you can't do anything about it.

One of the reasons I love "Questions & answers" is because I expect the other to ask me personal stuff so they can know how I am, as I do the same for them, so I can eventually know how to help them and viceversa (Not to mention it's fun!)
That's why when I suddenly find other that is actually extremely similar to you, I get happy. But then I see that I'm not good enough to be part of that, and I get sad, like now. Yes I can keep contact and talk, but until I get to know that I can be matched and be treated like an equal from that person, I will stay hiding my feelings, after all, that's what (I think) I do best.

Also if you've read all of this, congrats, that's one step more to know about me. Just don't try to 'help' if you never bothered to ask me stuff or get to know me, and even so I can only give details about stuff to so few 'friends'. So... just let me 'suffer' and be an hypocrite alone, I guess.

That's all