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Fellow Writers-Style Question For You! by Threetails

I was wondering if I could get an opinion on this.

Basically, in one of the books I'm writing, one of the characters says "ain't that some shit?" un-ironically. It's an idiom that is somewhat out of character for their usual manner of speech. I want to convey the statement as a sincere expression of surprise by a character who is genuinely shocked by something.

Now obviously, a writer should look to showing rather than telling first. Modern readers expect you to render things like setting details, character backstories, the characters' thoughts and emotions, and their intentions as integral parts of the exposition rather than as overt narration. I notice this convention is not as strong in writers who began their careers before about 1950 though, and almost nonexistent in the cumbersome, verbose, and copious descriptions of 19th century novelists.

On the other hand, there's a time and a place for it. You can go ahead and say that the space ship is red and the planet is purple instead of having the character said, "Sandra, come away with me to my red space ship! This whole purple planet is about to explode!"

That in mind, I was wondering which of these sentences is best. Don't just think about how it adheres to conventions but also think about which one scans better, and if it doesn't sacrifice too much content for the sake of style.

Option 1: Showing

"Ain't that some shit," he said, his tone hushed, eyes wide and ears locked fully forward.

Option 2: Telling

"An't that some shit," he said, un-ironically.

Fellow Writers-Style Question For You!

Threetails

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    Option 1. I'm not one of those people who hates -ly words, but in this case I think "un-ironically" draws attention to the words rather than to what they mean.

    I'd further suggest that you might decouple the physical description from the speech tag, since it makes for something like four actions in one sentence. Depending on the flow of the scene, possibly put the eyes and ears before the dialogue? Often people will change expression before speaking. All this is a mater of personal taste and style though, so feel free to ignore it. ^.-

  • Link

    Option 1, hands down. The only time I'd consider option 2 appropriate is if that kind of saying is not typical of the character's speech patterns--and even then, 1 is easily more workable.