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Making friends online! And why I'm uncomfortable! by Topolis
In which I get ranty about friendships!
Please, please don't start off pursing a friendship saying you don't have any friends to the person you wish to befriend! Not sure about everyone else, but for me personally, it puts pressure on me. I want to make things better for you but I CANNOT devote extra time out of my already short days to make you happy. My wanting to help, without us knowing each other, is fueled by pity alone. Telling me you have no friends, that you hurt yourself, that you hope for friends, first thing, without getting to know me, tells me that you're just there for a friendship. Continuing to tell me how alone you are only reinforces that. That you don't want me as a person, you want my friendship to make you feel better. And that is gross. That makes me feel gross. I cannot make everyone who walks up to me feel better. No one can. People are not "make yourself feel better" tools. I am not a tool for you to use. Don't guilt people into befriending you, because that is a shitty foundation for friendship.
I know people that can draw/write/sculpt/compose/etc are ~appealing~ to some people but please, don't target us for this kind of thing!
I love my friends. I love my acquaintances! I love the people I follow, the things they make, and the words that float my way. If I can shed some light on their days, I'm damn pleased. But I am one person. I don't have the time to spoil everyone I know, as much as I want to. The same is true for many others. If people form deeper bonds with me, I will MAKE time for them, but otherwise, all I can afford is the occasional kind gesture. I will not destroy myself for you.
It's hard, being alone. And as cheesy as this sounds, I've spent a lot of time trying to learn how to be alone! It starts with learning to love things about yourself, in my experience. Cheesy. So much cheesy. But truth. I like my hair. I like my tattoo, I like certain colors, certain songs, certain shapes. I like my art! I like that I can make people happy with art sometimes! When I'm feeling low, I try so hard to look to myself for something good. Ultimately, it's YOU that helps yourself. Friends and loves can push you along they way, and damn are they appreciated and loved, but they are not the sole force driving you. You can't always be there for people. And you can't expect people to always be there for you. It hurts, but it's a lesson to learn. If people want to be there for you, they will come. If you are lost, you can ask for help. Some may reach out for you, some may not. I'm sorry.
I don't want lonely people to read this and think that they shouldn't befriend people. That is the last thing I want. I just want people to think about why they pursue people. How they pursue people. Do you actually like the person, or do you just like the idea that they could potentially care for you?
I'm shaking with guilt and frustration, being contacted like this. It puts me in a terrible spot. I don't know what to tell you, lonely guy. I. Cannot. Raise you up. I don't know you. You don't know me. But I feel so incredibly shitty that you're suffering. I feel rude for not dropping everything to help. But I don't want to lead anyone on and pretend to care deeply when I don't even know them. I don't have the time, energy, and resources for that. I'm trying to care for myself too.
THIS GOT REALLY LONG
But I feel more open on Weasyl than I did on FA! Which is nice. I like the discussion here! And this particular incident involves an individual that isn't on Weasyl to my knowledge. So yeah. I have a lot of thoughts sometimes!
Journal Information
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Comments
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It's true! We all have interests, and ultimately, those with similar interests will float into your usual spaces. Putting yourself out there is good, but putting yourself out there and expecting things is only going to hurt yourself. Hopefully you've been able to spread some light for people, commenting on journals like that! Also, it's your birthday tomorrow? That makes three people I know, all with a birthday tomorrow, haha! I know you're not excited about it, but I do hope it ends up being a pleasant day!
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I hope, but a lot of people want to complain without trying to be introspective, to grapple with some of the harder truths in life. We all want to be surrounded by friends and loved, but these are not things that are asked for, they are things that are earned. I used to look for people to talk to and friends all over the internet and on sites specifically for that, but really it was just a giant waste of time in the end, save for a few very special people. Forcing it never works. I'm not ashamed to share those parts of my past; if anything, I'm proud of the fact that I was able to figure things out! Somewhat. Still got a lot of life ahead of me. :P
Aw, thank you, kind of you to read my own journal where I complain about my guitars haha. :) It's actually on the 22nd (2 days from now)! I'll do my best to have a nice day, I just have to remember I've grown a lot this year... maybe not in the ways I had wanted or hoped, but growth nonetheless. I'm sure I'll run into you around the site some more, thank you again.
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I forgot to say, thank you for the comment! I appreciate it. c:
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Another important take-away from this: Never put all of your self-worth into one person. Even a significant other (hell, maybe ESPECIALLY a significant other). You ultimately have to find your own value.
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YES this is such an important thing to learn! I appreciate this comment. More harsh lessons, but they're needed lessons.
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It's a lesson I'm still learning, ultimately. I am a very social person and I REALLY put a lot of value into my relationships. I have to keep trying to avoid the trap of thinking that my own value is tied up in them, especially when one goes south.
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Yeah, it's not something you can just up and stop doing. Recognizing and working to fix it is a big thing on its own though! It'll get easier with time. Stay glorious, you!
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This is so well put, I know a few people that tend to do this and I hope/wish would read this, and I have to admit I /used/ to do this too. I'm still learning how to be alone, physically. It's actually really hard for me to be physically alone even though, mentally, I know I have people I can talk to and trust. This came out a lot after I moved off to college. I do try to open myself up and be available when I can for my friends but class and school work takes up a lot of time.
Friendships take a lot of effort for me, I put in a lot of time (not always all at once, but you get the point). I want to make sure the person realizes that I'm not blowing them off and that I am there for them... but when someone comes up and says "I don't have friends" I totally agree, it puts SO much pressure on me or whoever they go to. When that happens I feel the need to give them extra attention which not only I'm trying to find the time in my day but it's also stressful because of the time that I DON'T have.. I'm totally ranting now I'm sorry this comment is way longer than I expected it to be. Haha, but again, this journal is so perfect in explaining what I deal with and how I feel occasionally.-
I'm glad people can learn not to do this sort of thing though! I'm sure many of us have done it, to a degree. A lot of the time, we just hurt, and don't realize we're doing it. It's good to break out of it when you can though. Progress!
Awgh, moving away for college is what I did too. :c Took a while before I was able to make friends (my closest dropped out and moved too, the nerd!!), so I spent a lot of time alone. It was good for productivity, at least! Hope college is kind to you, I know how stressful it can get!!
Don't feel bad for ranting, haha! This journal was a rant in itself. I'm surprised so many people responded and have had similar experiences, honestly.
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Oh gosh I understand how you feel ughh
LIKE I do feel lonely at times,but I still love my friends to death and don't want to befriend people just for that reason
I will admit I first noticed you for your art, BUT YOU'RE REALLY NICE??? AND I ENJOY TALKING TO YOU A LOT-
I'm so glad you don't befriend people for that reason omg. You're so sweet crey. Like I've probably said before, I don't like to bug people unless I have a reason/conversation I think will interest them, sadly. BUT. THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD I follow your twitter now! I get to add things whenever they're relevant and harass ya some!!
AND PFF. In art sites like this, I expect art to be noticed before the person, usually. Most people are here for art, and art is the first thing that you're usually exposed to from a person on places like this!!
I'm glad you like talking to me awgh ;w; Yer great. <3
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This is worded so perfectly, and I can very much relate to such things..
Clearly if I have such problems again I should link this journal their way.
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Awwgh I'm glad I managed to word it decently, I spent a lot of time rewriting and organizing it to try and get my message across clearly.
I don't really want people to point at this and go "This is the right way to think, and anything else is wrong!", but if it conveys your feelings, go for it!
I know I'm not always right, and I'm always open to correction, but there are some things that are just. Gross!
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I feel the same way honestly! I know the intention of friendship is good, but the idea behind it being "this additional asset to my life will make it better, so I must milk it for what it's worth" is not as good as an intention. People you describe only seek out friendships to help themselves feel better, and when that friendship is shattered due to their "one way street" view on friendship, they think that their life is ruined because of one person who couldn't cater to every need.
You're such a nice person, and I miss talking to you! We know we are both super busy as of late, but that doesn't mean we aren't still friends and we can't talk to each other once in a blue moon!
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Oh man that is so true as well. If you aren't good enough for these people, they do think their life is ruined. And it sucks feeling like it's your fault. But they were the ones to put that unreal expectation on you, and it's not your fault when you can't live up to it. That's another thing that worries me, accidentally making someone feel like shit because I can't be what they want me to be. Not because I'm being terrible or harsh, simply because I can't cater to them like they want. EuyrghH!!!!
YOU flatter me ;___; I need to send more comments and things your way when I can, I've just been watching from afar and liking your improvement. YER GREAT.
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Ahh I've known people who've done this so much..it is a LOT of pressure, and feels way too stressful. I wish someone I know who acts like this would also realize the point of a relationship isn't to expect the other person to be able to change your life drastically and make you happy from now on, forever. It's impossible. I wish people would get that.
It's up to you to be able to make yourself the happiest, as you're the one you're stuck through life with, you alone. And if you can't find happiness by yourself, within yourself, then no one else will be able to fill that for you.
oops I made that really long!
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Long comment or not, I liked it! You have nice words. <3 It's a sad realization when you figure out others literally CANNOT fill that hole in you. But it's a start to living happier and more content!
A LOT of comments on here got long, no worries! Sorry you had to deal with that kind of stress. ;;
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Yeah, I can only hope some people will realize that, then they can really start to grow!
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This is really well written, and something I think a lot of people need to read. Motherfuckers need to grow up and start seeing everyone as people.
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I am so glad I somehow managed to convey my thoughts clearly, omg... But yeah. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. ;___;
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Christ I really couldn't agree more. Coercing a person into spending time and attention on you through guilt and manipulation, purposeful or not, can hardly be the grounds of a healthy friendship.
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Yeah. Like, I feel so sad because I know they're not trying to do it on purpose, and I know they're hurting, but it's still a load on someone and it's still manipulative! It's not healthy at all. I only have one friendship that started like that, where the person grew and understood they were putting pressure on people and actually ended up being really nice! Everything else has, as expected, fallen apart. 8(
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Much the same here, I've unfortunately had too many relationships formed or pursued through those means and they almost always ended up much more directly abusive or manipulative. I hate it because I know not all people are like that, but it's made me just become avoidant of people like that entirely, the types who hold me accountable and responsible for there happiness. I have enough weights in my own life, I don't need that sort of unfair responsibility added to my shoulder.
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you're describing manipulative behavior, more or less ... it is sad but also very unhealthy for everyone involved.
this journal came at a good time though. thanks for writing it.
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Yeahhh. Like I was saying to Basilisk up there, it just breaks my heart because I know the people that don't understand they're doing it are hurting. Still doesn't excuse it though. Manipulation is manipulation, no matter the intent. 8(
Thank you for the response!!
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Oh god, I've had people do this to me way too many times. And I used to try and stick around for them, because I'd feel guilty if I didn't, even though they stressed me out big time! And it was very obvious they just wanted me around to vent to and not even bother listening to what I had to say... It was even worse, because they'd always mention how important I was to them, or how they don't have anyone else, or even saying things like "people always leave me" all the time to guilt me into staying around (AND SCOLDING ME FOR NOT TALKING TO THEM FOR A WHILE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I EXPLAIN HOW DISTANT I AM, ESPECIALLY IF I'M NOT VERY CLOSE TO SOMEONE??) and I just....
Uhg, god...
The worst is when they say you're important though, especially if they don't actually like you for you, and just want someone to moan to without ever listening to their so-called important friend. Like, ah, yes... I feel so important while you're neglecting my own feelings and making everything about poor poor pitiful you. HUFFS!It's really hard, too, because I couldn't even try to talk to them about it and work things out, because I'd either get lashed out at because they felt like I was attacking them, they'd throw a huge pity-party and make me feel guilty for even bringing it up, or they just wouldn't care/pretend we never had the conversation. So I got tired of it, and I just.... blocked them all and moved to different aliases and never talked to them again. O-oops....
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Holy shit, they chased you to a new alias and everything? Damn!! I'm glad that you're probably more sound now because of it, but still. That is ridiculous.
I wish people understood that some people are just...distant as well! You can't expect everyone to be all close-close buddy buddy with you! That bit about being told you're important to someone when they're just using you to feel better is so disgusting urgh!!
You seem like such a nice person, sorry people treat you like that. ;;
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holy shit, sorry for the late response
AND YUP. I just got fed up with them pestering me no matter what I'd do, I'd have to pretend I wasn't even online to get a break, and that didn't even always work with skype 'cause even if I'd go hidden, one of them would end up messaging me like "I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ONLINE" and it would get to the point where I'd think to myself "I'm hidden for a REASON, god fucking DAMN IT >8C" and then when I'd show the slightest bit of activity on any mutual websites we went on, they'd jump at my inbox and it was just uhhg, no, stop. I can't handle that at all.
And exactlyyyy, oof. One of my ex friends actually got pissy at me because I've always been distant, so they thought I was "shunning" them even after I explained myself and tried to right my wrongs. Also, they got really into something I wasn't into and couldn't get into until recently, like to the point it was all they talked about so it was hard to really.... keep up any kind of conversation with them so I was just like "????¿¿¿¿¿" unfortunately when they decided we weren't friends any more and gave me the cold shoulder just because I wouldn't talk to them every single day, it really fucking hurt me because I put a LOT into them despite not even being very close. And it kind of fucked me up for a while and made me even more distant than I already was. But I finally got over being pissed at them, I just... need to get over the trust issues, wheeze.
And god yeah, it's really gross. My brother's been dealing with a similar situation to all this too recently and I just wanna tell him to dropkick all those toxic assholes out of his life, but he's loyal and forgiving to a fault so I don't know if he'll actually do that or not. y__y I hope he does though, he's seriously gotta cut people out of his life when they become leeches... and he seems to attract a lot of 'em. <:I
Ehh, it's all good. I've figured out how to deal with them, and in the end, they become learning experiences and all that. And even though it's made me even more distant than normal, at least I can weed out the gross ones and have been able to surround myself with some really, really awesome people. qvq
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Ahhhh, this is such a great journal~<33
Thank you for taking the time to write it up, I can totally relate on this subject. I've had far too many people try and force friendships and me and all it does is make me uncomfortable and rather upset in the end. All it does it push me away and a lot of people don't seem to understand that.
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Awgh thank you. ;__; I really didn't expect so many replies and things. I just wanted to shout without dropping some negativity on friends, and felt like this was something that could be publicly talked about.
Yeah, it really does have the opposite effect when it comes to making friends...!
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This is really good and important! Learning to love yourself FIRST can be hard, but damn is it ever worth it.
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will u be my friend???
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TK I WILL HURT YOU
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Link
Rory
Perfectly valid and accurate. When someone comes to you solely for the idea of friendship, they've already saddled you with unfair expectations. The best way to make friends is to not try to make friends, as ironic as that sounds. Just be friendly, and magic will eventually happen. People gotta chill out and stop expecting so much out of each other, seriously, and learn to appreciate themselves and what they DO have. I make this comment far too many times each day browsing journals, on Weasyl alone. Thank you for expressing this.