I commend you for trying to see yourself as worthy, hun! You sound like you want to be 'better'... to be able to speak more, to be less fearful, to improve yourself in certain areas you think you're deficient.... That you want more for yourself and the people around you. That's tough to do and a long road for anyone - shows a lot of hope and self-worth.

We may not interact much on a personal level, but I have ALWAYS wished the best for you.... hopefully without seeming creepy. So, with that, I hope this helps you smile some:

GO YOU! (PROUD GRIN!)

Remember - life, even with how short it can be, is about the long haul; doing what we can with what we have. You make me smile and fill ME with hope that I just might be able to do more for myself too.

I fully understand what you're going through as I have, and still am, going through very similar issues myself. I just wanted to say that even though I don't know you other than your work, I wanted you to know that I support you for seeking help. No one should have to live in a constant state of fear and anxiety and hopefully the therapy will help you recover and heal.

Best wishes. <3
~Tana

I'm so proud of you, sweetheart... I know it must've been tough to write this journal, but you did, and I'm so glad you did!

you're such a beautiful, wonderful, genuine person... a rare jewel, a flower that only blooms for those patient enough to wait and watch. I love you so much, and I know you can do anything you set your mind to... :3

I'd write more, but i just woke up.... XD just... I'm so, so proud of you. really. tighthug

If you ever need someone to talk to, you know my email :) I understand about the trust thing, I'm still working on my own trust problems. You can reply at any pace you see fit, and if it helps I don't feel alienated when you take a while to reply. Everyone has their own speed with things, and life can be busy. S'all good, hun!

Be headstrong <3

I just wanted to tell you, and I really hope none of this comes off as creepy or stalky, but I wanted to tell you my perspective, how I perceive you.
I remember when I got the message that you are watching me on FA. I have been watching you for awhile already and I loved how openly different and yourself you were, and what you expressed through your art. I was gleaming and couldn't believe it. I kept that notification in there for weeks and tried to think of the right words to say to you, so that you know how I feel... haha. I don'tremember what I wrote in the end thou xD The same goes for every comment I ever got. My heart always beats in my throat when I get any kind of notification from you. And I am very anxious about what to say back, cause I fear you might think bad of me or regret ever commenting / watching me.
I read everything you write, here and on fa and facebook. Thanks again for adding me btw, haha, I still feel like a creeper cause I never really comment v////v Well, whatever, just so you know, I think very highly of you, I understand your pains and I am very very happy you found nick. I wish only the very best for you!
~ your creepy, stalky Reisfuchs / RatRabbit

For the record, you've never come across as "bad" or "evil" to me. I think you've put on that facade to keep people away out of fear, but I never felt it to be who you are. As someone with anxiety, depression, and trust/paranoia issues, I know all the little shells and masks the mind puts on to protect itself, things that aren't who we really are. And as my current journal talks about (the one you were kind enough to post on I see.) I know the whole self persecution game, and how for some screwed up reason, despite all other sources saying its not true, you yourself wont believe it. I think this is part of the reason I've wanted to be your friend, a sort of kindred spirit in my eyes.

As for whoever it was you "lashed out at" I hope they realize it was out of fear, and not actual aggression, like how an animal pinned in the corner isnt lashing out cause it's bad, but because it's scared and has no other options.

I really do hope you get the help you need, it sounds like you have a great support system already, but professional help does help, I've been seeing a therapist since the 4th grade, if that gives you an idea of how long ive been dealing with these things, I'm just stubborn to a fault and resist change even for the better -_-... but it has helped, I'm a LOT better off than I would have been without it. word of advice, don't be afraid to try several therapists, find one that fits you, go with your BF if it makes you feel safer, remember, you don't have to do this alone, even if you feel alone.

I wish you the best, and eagerly look forward to a time when we can chat again and talk about all sorts of nonsense like we used too. If you want too that is. My hand is still out as an offer of friendship, and I hope you'll fully accept it at some point. And if you ever need help, or someone to talk to, you know all the ways to contact me :)

Take care Miss Vera, I wish you the best. <3

It takes an immense amount of courage to share your inner-most thoughts and feelings - respectively, we all have our own story. And we each choose who to share those details with, because exposing those wounds could potentially make them deeper - it's a gamble, really. And part of why I have my own trust issues.

You're strong, because you've made it. That's what people like us need to recognize. And we need to keep moving forward towards a future with people that love and support us and help us thrive to live a much happier life.

More than a few people will understand. I do. I have a very bad after taste of friendship thanks to events in high school. I'm still trying to overcome them and it's been 7 years...

don't worry be happy.

That must have taken a lot of courage and energy to type up, and even more to post. Like other commenters have said, I can identify with some of the things you've shared, and it's pretty damn terrible that so many people go through similar cycles with people considered "friends"... the definition of a friend must have changed for some people, if lying and attacking are becoming so common.

Best wishes to you and your path for peace and friendship. I hope you reach a point you are comfortable with. :)

**hugs**
I am by no means eloquent enough to provide any sort of deep or very helpful reply to this, but I'm sure it was quite difficult for you to write this, and I commend you for being able to. It's excellent that you're going to a therapist for this, and I hope that that helps a lot. I can't stand to see people treated how it seems people have treated you :<

Hits home a little. Mreh. ><

I honestly think you're a wonderful and sweet person, and I'm so sorry you've gone through so much pain. Hearts for you, Vera. <3

<3

As a very long-time lurker, I'd like to say that your perspective of yourself isn't 100% accurate, I don't think. There's a difference between being a bad person and being closed or uncertain or something of that sort. The simple fact that you take into consideration all the things you've said here kinda shows that you're a better person than what you said. As long as you're open about who you are, there'll be people willing to accept ya. You're more awesome than you think. :3

I was once in a relationship with someone who has many of the emotions and behaviors you describe, so I think I understand what you're saying fairly well.

Try to cheer up and not worry so much. It may simply be the fear of making certain mistakes that causes you to behave in ways that you don't really wish to. Don't fear. Don't doubt. Just be you!

Though our interactions have been fairly limited, I have been keeping an eye on you for several years and you've certainly never struck me as a bad person. Some of the things you've spoken about in that time led me to believe you're a pretty interesting person and indeed quite a caring one, too!

We are none of us perfect. Hang in there, and continue trying to be a better person. We're all on the same journey, putting one foot in front of the other. :)

I've never really talked with you or anything like that, but I've watched you and your art for a long time. I'm very sorry to hear people have treated you as so. But you are NOT evil or a bad person. I hate how some people do not understand that not all people are chatty or open like them. I am a decently shy person and I have trust issues. I don't let people into my life right away. I've had people who would message me and wanted instant friendship or felt I was now their best friend. It is hard for me- I could only imagine how hard things like that could be for you. I know what you mean when people get angry for not returning their sudden feelings for you. They wig out, they don't understand. Then the special ones who take it like a jab in the heart. Most annoying. Thing is, these people who vilify you because of your social level are pieces of shit and they need to grow up. THEY need to get over it and move on with their lives. Unless they just find hating fun, in which I feel sorry for them.

And yes you do! You deserve your happy home, loving fiance, and wonderful family! Don't let anyone ever tell you differently! I hope you are able to get that affordable help and some of your inner demons start to fade. :)

We are fragile creatures that require love and affection. When we are hurt, it hurts deep, and it's hard to recover. But since love and affection is what we need, it is often what can heal us as well. I'm glad you found some people in your life that can help you to heal. I hope you may climb ever higher on the ladder of happiness~

If you ever need to talk, I know we don't know each other, but I am here. Best to you and your loved ones hun~ <3

I liek U 4 fraind have. U R my Diehard 3.

U hav luv 4 goo. Dis mayk us fraindz. ^_^

I understand. I have BPD as well. It can be hard to open up and make new friends...

I've been trying to be more open on here and been having problems with my BPD kicking up and making it hard for me to do.

hugs
I know how you feel my dear

HIgh five for this man. You're a fantastic person for being transparent and honest, and I don't see anything bad in you at all. you're trying your best, that's all anyone can do at the end of the day. It's okay if you need time for yourself. worthwhile people will recognize that.

My goodness- if the journal wasn't intimidating, the comments to follow have intimidated me. I am not sure what I can say other than that it makes me happy to see you so forthright with your feelings and experiences. You've always been an honest person in my eyes and what you had to say about 'fake friends' strums a STRONG chord in my soul. I've been dealing with similar feelings for awhile now and still don't know how to deal with them without feeling as if something is 'wrong' with my ability to build relationships.

Thank you for continuing to share your art and personal progression with us. <3
I hope your emotional healing continues and eventually allows you more comfort in friendships founded through this vast community of many-personalities.

When life throws you lemons, sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and bazooka them directly in the forehead of the a-hole throwing them at you.

Oh my goooosh, I feel you... I was actually thinking about some very similar things just a little while back. Time heals all things, and sometimes you need to just keep distracting yourself from you wounds for them to heal properly. Friends, family, art, community, laughing, all of those things are amazing distractions, because sometimes, there's not much you can do but pick yourself up, make yourself feel better, and just let those damn wounds heal. Dwelling on them just makes them fester. I've allowed abusive men and women in my life to villainize me, ME, for their abuse. I would feel guilty, or they would call me 'crazy' and make me feel like I deserved the abuse. That's just not fair. It's not. The relationship is over, the abuse is over, so I just needed to let myself heal and stop picking at the scabs with my worry, guilt, or depression. It's taken me so long to realize it wasn't my fault, and so long to realize I could actually love me despite how they made me think of myself, and I know now that that 'so long' of a time was exactly what I needed. No one could make me feel better, and nothing I did could make me feel, just, human again, except time.

I'm so glad that you're finally seeing yourself despite how other people think of you or made you feel about yourself. You really are an amazing woman, and I enjoy knowing you. Something in this journal felt like you might be talking about me too... but if you are thinking about me wanting to be your friend and being afraid of reciprocating that, psh, don't worry about me. I never wanted anything more than to enjoy and fan-girl over your art. It's really cool of you to recognize that people are genuinely trying to reach out to you though. I understand that many artist have to separate themselves from the community professionally so they don't get consumed by the masses of fans and followers they have, but I don't really think it's right to just roboticly post art and ignore all of your fans either. Honestly, you've done a fine job balancing the two, IMO. I sometimes feel like the reason why I'm not all 'furmous' when there are significantly less talented and significantly more shitty individuals out there that are, is because I'm so damn nice to my fans, taking the time out of my day to make sure they are okay. Idk... the furry fandom is weird.

I went on a tangent there for a moment... The point is, you're wonderful, beautiful, talented, and amazingly flawed. You're not beautiful despite your flaws, you're beautiful including your flaws. ;)

I'm so happy and proud of you for even posting this.
You got it girl, you are getting over the wall that is preventing you from having the most wonderful things life can offer.
For years I've watched your work on my old dA, and for years I've been wanting to say how wonderful your work is, how openly minded your work is,
I just never have the guts to say anything, cause I to have insecurities with people. I've been bullied to the extreme, I'm treated differently all the time in public just because I view the world a lot more differently than the average person, and I'm dyslexic and have CAPD. I feel a little more comfortable chatting with people on the internet, but a lot of times I don't know how to approach a person sometimes and start commuting, especially people I admire. Something I've been fighting for years.
I honor the people that can fight their demons. You are a beautiful human being, tons of talent
It takes tons of courage to post this.
And even better, you want to conquer it.

Wow, that was from a very deep place wasn't it? I find myself at a loss of words, even. I wish you the best in your endeavors, Vera, truly. I hope one day you can find closure for all those bad things and people. Or create your own closure.

I find many artist like you :) It's okay, I accept you for who you are. I'm glad that you have someone like your fiance to hold you all the way through your highs and lows. I suffer from depression. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but I'm pretty sure I have that too... anyway, I know your feels. It's best to express yourself whenever you have an episode. My expression is mostly in the form of words. I type until my mind goes blank. A lot of people don't know that since I type in a "diary" on my computer. Nobody ever reads it! You're a great artist but being social is NOT required.

My best friend, Zero, is nowhere near social but I love her for who she is(she'd cringe at the word love haha). She keeps to herself until she's ready to be social and is still a best friend to me. You could do the same if you'd like :) I'm fine with talking to you when you're ready to chat. I'm not that interesting though... I see that you enjoy 1st gen toys and old shows that I wasn't alive for :3 I'm nowhere near THAT interesting >w< Personally, I'm into music and learning new things. Anyway(I ramble WAY too much), if you'd like to chat sometime, just boop or something... slinks away

I still want to come see you some day when it is feasible to travel that far. I have become a hermit. Not have as much money as I used to limits gas and trips always cost more than gas alone. Always there are tiny fees here and there that build up. And the traveling itself -- I just have lost the wanderlust and the thought of being so far away from home almost makes my bones ache with tiredness at the thought of a return trip. But some day -- when I get my self together, want to come down there and we'll play with bugs and go bug hunting, and dress up in fancy costumes and do sfx paint and watch cartoons and play with toys and be kids.

I had no idea that behind the art, there were all this problems (more evidence for the theory angst fuels art, heh) I've always liked your art world with bugs and monsters and plushies, there's nothing else like it. From what you've said here, I think you've just had a run of bad luck with meeting the wrong sorts of people. The important thing to remember is not everything is your fault, sometimes you'll just run into assholes. It's hard because we're always taught not to burn bridges, that love and forgiveness are noble things but, sometimes realtionships that fell apart fell apart for a reason. Don't look back, don't reconnect, move on. Remember the good times, but remember that people change.

Dude, I totally know what you're going through... I suffer from anxiety/depression, too, and it IS hard to interact with people, especially new people (and trying to be "encouraged" to do so only makes it worse). You are not alone! Hugs! ♥

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner! I think you already know about internal/external stuff that's making me scatterbrained but I want to make sure you know my slowness in communicating is from my own shortcomings and has nothing to do with you nor is it any sign of displeasure or disinterest!

I love you, the good and the bad, the complete person. I do wish you had an easier time but I think being to loving and open to the people you do/have cared about is the mechanism by which you get hurt. You are a very special person and you give a lot of yourself to others. It's a doubled-edged sword, though, and that gift can be misused... I'm sp thankful you have NIck there with you. You two I wish nothing but the best for!

I don't know that you needed to explain yourself in this post, because some people will always be just... Awful. No matter what. But I think it was very brave and a lot of people can relate and feel that they better understand you for it. Even if it's hard to let people in or be let in, I think some people can really identify and respect where you're coming from. I certainly relate to a lot of these things.

I'm proud of you for being so brave and honest and loving of people and life!

Sometimes when one takes risks and make themselves vulnerable, they are showing the world how tough and brave they really are. <3

I just read all the comments, you have attracted some really amazing people by being true to yourself! This place gives me a lot of hope for people in general. ;_;

Having the guts to open up and write this might effect others in a positive way. It's less lonely when you can find others with the same problems/experiences.

I've been meaning to comment on this for a while. I admire you as an artist, and a person, the honesty of this commentry says alot about your values. I appreciate that I've had the chance to commission you, and for most part watched from afar. You deserve happiness, and care and to be loved, and to not be hurt. I can say your are amazingly talented, have a wonderful imagination.

I don't know how you've been hurt in the past, but closure I believe comes more from acceptance, than an expectation of another to be a better, or more understanding person than what they are. That acceptance is that others can't and won't always understand you, and that you don't always need to be understood by everyone. It seems like you have some wonderful people in your life that are deserving of your time, your emotion, passion, creativity and have taken the time to understand and accept.

You've made me see and accept things as beautiful through your art. So I thank you for that, and if you can do that for people, you can change views, change minds, and affect people in ways that make the world a better place.

Keep the chin up, and be the awesome crazy stocking , clown , eyeball loving creature you are! bows humbly