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Nothing feels right. I can't get anything done. :C by Rotsuoy
Have you ever had just one of those days where nothing you do feels right and when you try even harder to make it better it feels so draining?
I've felt like this since Sunday. It seems to have progressively gotten worse too. My young cousin- who I sometimes refer to as me niece because of the age difference -showed up on my doorstep Sunday morning. She woke me up really early so I didn't get as much sleep as I had hoped. She was strung out- so much so that it was really noticeable. I'm actually really glad she didn't wake up Raiden, because I really didn't want my kiddo around her like that.
I'm really OCD. I'm also really lazy. Now, the two seem like they just don't go together, but without one or the other I would probably be a mess. My OCD keeps me organized in my cluttery-fluttery state, while my laziness keeps my OCD from overbearing everything. Now, I'm not totally lazy... I'm actually kind of putting myself down a little by saying that. I'm mildly anemic, but if it's taken care of, I'm fine and I don't start feeling lethargic. It's just that towards the end of the month or the beginning of a new one, when I'm low on groceries, I have less iron rich foods in the house to keep my anemia in check. Therefore, I start getting bouts of lethargy and even depression can kick in in the "lull period" between two months.
However, I can't deny my OCD nature. It's very real. I have process for everything. I even have process for my processes to start and if I incorporate and new process I have a process to incorporate that process. Things have to be the right way or I start to sort of mentally degrade. The light has to be off in the bathroom and the toilet lid has to be closed. The milk has the be in the left side of the fridge pushed all the way up against the side. Everything on the counter top has to be pushed a forearm's length back from the edge. The counter tops have to be clean all the time. If dishes are left in the sink they must be left in the left side of the sink. This is how things have to be. Things have to be this way. Always keep the sugar closed, always keep the sugar pushed back next to the microwave, and always keep the space in front of the microwave door clear. These things must be done. When someone comes in my space and starts to just completely derail EVERYTHING, I can and will start to mentally degrade.
My cousin hasn't been over for a day, but the effects of her being here are still here. There are so many tiny things that she could have done to keep it tidy and to keep from derailing my processes, but she just didn't follow those tiny things. I felt like I was constantly closing the toilet and turning off the bathroom light and constantly wiping down the counters. She expected me to treat her like an adult, when really it felt like I was following around a taller Raiden. What's worse is that one night when she was over, she invited someone over without my consent and lied about them being here, when I heard them, and I had to wake up to a dirty kitchen from them eating my food they didn't even ask for thatIcouldn'tevenaffordtoletthemhave. >:/
I mean, seriously... at least clean up the evidence. Wipe off the chocolate you smeared on my door when you came to check if I was still awake and make sure you didn't drop any on the damn floor in the kitchen that I'd have to clean up.
I confronted her about it in the most calm, neutral, polite way I possible could, even telling her, "Look, I've treated you exactly the same as I would my adult friends, but you haven't treated me the way they would have treated me." She accepted what I said, and even apologized, but then called her 'home girl' to come get her and said she would be 'right back' and never came back. Ugh, just... ugh...
After that though, nothing is right. Nothing feels right. I try to do artwork, try to cook, try to eat... and nothing feels right. I cleaned the house some, but it's like I have no motivation to do jack shit. I can't seem to even work on art for myself much less commissions. It's like when I pick up the tablet pen it feels like my joints are rubbery doll joints that got too hot in storage so my arms are just going to slip off if I move them... I can't watch a movie or play a game because everything seems stupid and I hate all of it. So I'm just trying to make myself do something, anything, even play a damn video game or watch a silly cartoon, for more than twenty minutes and actually enjoy it. Even just to enjoy it for a few minutes.
Something's wrong... Someone cuddle me and brush my hair and tell me silly stories. :C
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This is exactly what I am going through with my house guests, actually just one of them. Her and the kitchen lights! To the point I feel like taking out the fluorescent tubes, smash one over her head and ram the other down her throat. I've been choking it down for so long I can't really remember what it's like to not feel like this. Everything has come to a standstill because of it. I'm holding things back because she has lung cancer and her son and I think she may be suffering from dementia. The kitchen lights thing though is something he says she has always done.
As to your "niece" good fucking riddance! She overturned everything you had and left a mess and now that she is gone you can redo or remake things as you want. Not until you incorporate and come to grips with the upheaval she created though.
All I can say is it will get better, you'll find your coping mechanism just as I will when my guests are finally gone. Hold in there hon, there is someone who knows exactly what you are going through telling you it will get better! HUGS
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Oh gosh, either you or Buni briefly mentioned them in passing, but I can't imagine having to live with someone with dementia... I might just make myself even crazier. I'm really nutty about making sure lights are off in the house, but I also use it as a way to keep myself from getting nuttier. If a room is particularly dirty or out-of-sorts, I will turn the lights off in that room until I cool off long enough to take care of it, or sort myself out enough to actually clean it like it needs. Like if the sink is full in the kitchen, there are mornings I will fix the coffee pot in the dark because if I turn on the lights I will actually start washing dishes instead of fixing the coffee pot and then wonder why I feel so irritable/moody/tired when I'm done- BECAUSE OH, I STARTED WASHING DISHES INSTEAD OF FIXING COFFEE. It's hard to deal with sometimes.
I'll start getting back to normal once I fix my sleep scheduled for good and straighten up the house as if she was never over. I feel like I've been in shambles trying to work on all of my projects. You're right though! It will get better! I just have to brace myself and start slowly. :hugs:
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-Hugs- OCD is exhausting. I drive myself crazy with it. After touching each corner of the walls and the chairs and the couch, I had to yell at myself to stop and put my hands over my eyes until I got back to my room. ^_^; Take a day or two, listen to some music, walk around, or anything else that doesn't require much thinking or focus. Hopefully you'll feel better soon.
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Now, I don't have that need to touch everything for safety or security (or whatever makes us OCD "blessed" folk do what we do), but if the couch is crooked, I'll line it up with the lenulium squares, and if I straighten the couch, I have to straighten the rug, and if I straighten the rug I have to sweep it, and well, if I sweep one room I have to sweep them all. That's my problem. :/
I'm actually grateful for my OCD processes because every process I form is actually helpful to prevent my house from getting in to a larger mess I don't have the time or energy to retake control of. Sometimes though if I slink away into my hermity-hermitness I'll neglect the house cleaning to the point that I NEED a kink like that to set off the chain reaction of house cleaning. Which is one of the reasons why my cluttery-laziness and my OCD works so well for the way I live. Sometimes when I get a good stream of commissions in, I can set to work on them for a few days, then BAM "How did the house get so AWFUL?!" and I spaz clean everything. Really, my problem isn't stuff like cups or food or anything really 'trashy', but clutter (I like lots of things to be at finger tip so I will clutter all these 'lots' of things in one place and they can kind of build up), dishes (I have bad joints, it runs in the family! My bad knees and bad back prevent me from standing stooped for a long time without pain), and sweeping up the MASSIVE amounts of hair I shed (It's SO BAD, I swear my hair would probably be really thick and fluffy if it didn't shed so much, and all that hair just collects in these dusty piles around the base boards in a matter of, well, just a couple of days! It's ridiculous!). That's it! Just those 3 things! Trash goes out regularly and clothes are no big chore for me! These 3 things though can get so out of hand. T-T
I'm so thankful my kiddo actually has the desire to not be up my ass all the time too, and actually enjoys having amazing little adventures in her closet of toys and blow-up tent (she loves that tent so much). She's so self-reliant and I'm so grateful for that. I can actually work for long periods of time without worrying if she's tearing apart the house. AND I'M SO THANKFUL she stopped coloring on the walls. That, however was solved by happily presenting her her own space to draw and color in and a large supply of paper! When she lets me work, she's also rewarded with visits to the complex's play park- as bare as it is, I'm really kind of flabbergasted as to how she enjoys it so much. :P
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StudMovieGirl85
Even though nothing like what you described like this happened to me nor I do suffer from OCD (except I do feel like I have to wipe my hands often), but the only thing I can do is say I ma very sorry that happened to you.