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regarding art site friendship by Grebij
First of all, there is probably no need for the "friend requests" this website permits you to issue when dealing with me. I would disable them if I were permitted to. Maybe I am and just never thought to look for it. I couldn't even get the "google plus" link to work That has no bearing on anything but I certainly gave it more tries than it was worth. Directing effort where it does not belong is a needlessly major theme for me.
That is fine if you sent one already, for I had not mentioned the topic up to this point. And if you send one after this I can live with it. But it is an unnecessary gesture.
I am not planning any secret content; if I need to talk rubbish about anyone I will likely put it on my normal website or unload it on you directly in a personal conversation. Do you really want to encourage that?
I need, or think I ought to stress that I am easily drained, socially, typing and speaking, but under slightly different circumstances each way. I do not easily trust or like people, even if there is no clear reason that I should not. We can like each other's drawings, or one can like the other's without being friends.
I say this because I want to avoid what I did on furryfinity. If you safely avoided that but somehow are now curious, I let people get "close" who had no business being close and I did not know how to push them back, especially since sometimes I had brought them there myself. I tried to be fair to everyone and I could not keep it up, and I hated myself for failing to, but I also hated feeling obligated to. I do not want to "owe" people things here, or imagine that I do. In fact I pledged that to myself, in general, for 2014, but I had too many anxiety ghosts and ancient undead grudges there* anyhow. Suddenly imagining I might be morally condemned for not picking a side in something that did not involve me, or possibly because I looked too much like I was doing that, is too much by this point, even if it was all in my mind. The contents of my mind are the problem! it is not just "drama." Drama is fun, and it takes effort. I remember when I saw Richard III and I had very little idea what was going on and enjoyed it. In contrast I got a pretty good idea what was going on at furaffinity and I did not want to be in it. Deviantart is full of treachery, but I expect that there, and am always several degrees removed from it, since the website is so big and impersonal. I like not feeling like the biggest scumbags are right outside my house. I get enough of that when the "summer home" neighbors come back in May.
That guy probably did it, though.
*plenty are HERE now, of course, but this place does not inherently remind me of them yet.
If you want to draw me a picture, it is probably best to keep that simple, and not involve the characters of another gallery some of you know about since I am hilariously particular and terribly boring about them (or at least show me a sketch before it goes too far). Only do it if you personally want to. In fact it is probably best not to bother at all! A lot of people with personal characters never get gift art from -anyone,- and will probably benefit from it more than I will, and be more gracious about it.
In summary: there are easier and better friends to make than me.
And that was long, up there, but we should probably talk together in very brief increments.
And probably.
I had better stop posting these.
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All my characters are questionable!
People can do as they like. If they like it and it hurts no one, then it is worth doing.
I should have realized that and worked to prevent bad situations years ago. I remember what a hard time I had telling my mother to stop buying me video games. It is good that I told her that directly instead of posting an open letter, but I was by that point not at risk of other people buying me video games. It can feel nice to surprise someone, but some people are terrible at receiving surprises. Video games are expensive, also. I imagine that they "hurt" the buyer to a degree. They are not worth giving to ingrates.-
Yea I have problems with receiving gifts. I end up feeling like I owe someone, and then have to smash that feeling with reason. My mom used to buy me a lot of stuff then often get angry sometime after she gave me a thing, because she has problems, and I think that might be the psychological root of my problem. I also try to draw people pictures when I am grateful for something, but I can barely get (or don't get) my own projects done. So its like, if they draw me something I know I ain't going to be able to make a thing for them, back, in like 95% of cases. I don't have much money anymore. I used to buy things for people. Lack of resources/energy/abundance of anxiety makes getting gifts something where I have to be like: alright, you know I ain't getting you anything back. Friend: IDK I get EVERYONE Christmas presents. Me: Okay, bro.
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it is difficult to learn grace in acceptance of gifts and such. just tonight my father bought some of my baked goods and insisted not only in refusing my normal discounted rate for multiple purchases but in paying nearly twice as much because he knows I'm broke. I appreciate the spirit but I always feel so awkward! I hate even having to ask for any recompense from family and friends. but I find that it's smoother merely to express gratitude and not make a huge deal of it, and it pleases people to have a gift gracefully accepted.
social dynamics are (is?) hard!-
If someone gives freely then does not act in any way like they expect gratitude, it is different. When they give, then at a later date try to shame you for accepting and then behaving in a way they deem inappropriate or ungrateful -- fuck that.
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I also sometimes experience people not wanting to accept my gifts out of a sense of obligation to me.
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yes but I believe you once ranked them in order of punchability, which I presume is commensurate with overall questionability.
i'll tell my friend what you said and hope it helps them in their contemplation.-
It is true that I did that, and that the creatures I am concerned about were not on that list. What would your friend have done if I had not posted this awful thing toyesterday?
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oooooh they were considering that if they had actually made something, which it's not my purpose to say that they are saying they have, they might've privately emailed a link to, in this case, you, along with a profuse pre-emptive apology for all matters pertaining to its creation, poor quality, uninspired concept, and botherement of you with it. something like that. I fear my friend is terribly neurotic.
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Better and easier friends tend not to be quite as worthwhile in my opinion. >.> It's not my intention to undermine the point of your journal, but I actually do consider you to be a friend.
Still, I do see your point about having friend requests. Those may be more useful to the users who tend to do a lot of socializing on their art sites.
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I think my main idea was that I find interpersonal relationships complicated, troubling matters, and I thought that I might feel better about it if I made people aware that it is difficult. But I made my description of the thing too complicated, like I make the thing itself be. Perhaps I can call this an experiment. I must keep trying different things.
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If you have grudges with me I can totally take hearing them. Then you'd be less paranoid or guilty when you talk with me, assuming you even have any with me. I'm not going to hate you for it because I sort of have the same problem and I can tell you very much don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Heck, there are a few grudges I assume you HAVE with me and then if you told me it would probably only better tune my intuition for such things.
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I am paranoid and guilty when I talk to everyone these days.
I think, for the most part, as it relates to the journal contents, I left the existing grudges behind. I was trying to avoid creating new ones, but maybe it suffices to alter behavior and not have to write a big announcement about it. This could be a new bad habit eating the old one. Or even a yet older bad habit eating an aspiring usurper.-
Basically I can tell your grudge-thing is an issue you are trying to fix, seems like its related to a soup of internal problems, and you haven't been a prick to me, yet. Though I assume you worry you might have been or might end up being so? I beat the crap out of myself over worrying if I hurt someone. Then sometimes it is the case I have to hurt them to help myself (bridge burning, for instance). Then I still feel bad about it afterward. It's just how it is for now and I got to deal. Your guilt seems pretty thick.
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I know this is such an outplayed thing to say, but I consider you a friend, and if you ever want to vent to me, you've got my contact info.
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I didn't quite like the option of notifying someone that I wish to decline being their friend. If the idea was so I can show certain images to a select few, then that seems rather silly! I would like to think you are someone I can thoroughly annoy and you won't hate me because you already know I'm annoying!
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my friend wants to know if some unspecified person had, of their own volition and with no presumption of reciprocation, hypothetically made a picture of your somewhat less questionable character(s), which they conceivably desire to make you aware of, if such a person might reasonably expect that you might receive such a thing without resentment or feelings of unwanted obligation?