i just wrote this on my "crys" picture and wanted to copypaste it here for those who read journals/happen across my front page and scan my journal before it gets bumped off with a new one--

"ok now i'm done. hey i figure why not get more in-depth and personal on here? but when i go, i go LOL cause i've never been a very open person online, so little funfacts and shit haven't ever been shared. but i want to be more friendly and open and sociable here on weasyl, so i'm opening up and sharing a LOT more than i would anywhere else-- ever. cause i love it here, and i feel like i need to share more of myself in honor of those followers i have that WOULD read my novels and DO give a shit/are curious about who i am. so this nonsensical rambling is for you out there~ <3"

i don't exactly know why i'm feeling so comfortable with talking here, but it's something new that's never happened like this before. i'm a private person online for a reason-- years upon years of being overlooked, ignored and in the shadows on every. single. site i have ever been on in the past 10+ years(do you know how many sites that is???), i've become withdrawn and shy-- i never find sharing worth it because .01% of ALL people even read anything i say and even less really care. i'm a stranger! even when i share to become less of one it doesn't matter. people have better things to do than read and care about me-- i'm not a good enough artist for that, either. <-- and this is the kind of attitude i've developed as well. i have no self confidence. no self esteem. it's the 100% truth when i say i hate myself. and i feel stupid whenever i get personal and share details. but i feel like starting to work on bettering my attitude, at least start talking about myself because i know i'll seem more friendly if i'm more active on the personal front of this art site. maybe if i do people will even like my art a bit more cause they know me a little more. so um. here's to a legit fresh start and clean slate and the hope of feeling better about myself on all fronts.

but if i suddenly stop making journals and writing long, in-depth descriptions about my characters and commenting, then i slid back downhill and withdrew again because i felt so stupid for thinking i could change and be worth the love and interest of strangers on the internet, and i apologize in advance for that. 10 years of being invisible no matter what and how hard i've tried many times and being bullied constantly irl before becoming a hermit not by choice has a really strong, long-lived effect on people. and i'm trying to shake it, i really am! my friends can attest to how hard i've been trying the past several months.

along with apologizing in advance if i go on radio silence in the near future, i wanted to let everyone who reads this, comments on anything to do with me here(profile, pics, whatever), reads any journals, descriptions, favorites my art or follows me that... you honestly don't understand how much any single one of those means to me--even if i have no clue if anyone reads this or anything-- because of how low i've been for so long, the little things mean the world to me. it makes my day to get a comment, a favorite, good lord help me, followers, anything like that that show's support and... let's be honest, attention, cause we all want it and that's damn well nothing to be ashamed of or berated for by anyone else.

i've never had it. i have it every once in a while, but i've never had popularity. i don't believe anyone if they say i am cause idk where'd they'd get that idea! i don't take compliments well, especially irl but i can usually force myself to swallow them online. so anything like positive support really helps me and just. thank you.

thank you.

for taking the time to have anything to do with me. now and forever. i love you all. idk who you are but i sure don't need to to be able to love you for being nice to me. i can't put it into words to show you guys just how deeply you all effect me, in the best way possible for what you do, even for just viewing my page. i'm blown away at having just joined and, at the time of writing this, already have 95 pageviews. i've had my fa account since november, 2011 and only have 998 pageviews. i'm about to break 1K-- i've been 900+ for a full year, or more. two, i think. had my da for 8 years and only have 54K+ pageviews(oh but believe me on how proud i am for those hard-earned thousands, again you have no idea how much it means to me!). and when you put that in perspective with being active artistically, favoriting bunches, watching tons more, commenting(but mostly too shy too, and not wanting to be repetitive), that's not even a disturbance on the surface. not even close to being a ripple.

but to emphasize how amazing it is i've just about broken 100 pageviews for five days, that's. fucking. incredible. and i have this friendly, active, fresh-faced art site to thank for that. you help give me some confidence. thank you. that's so, so, so much to me. also the fact that in the same amount of time, i gained 14 followers, whether they just followed me here from some other site is incredible to me.

i've run out of words and fail to find any more words to share my love and appreciation for you guys and even the smallest thing you do for me. i love the lot of you, followers or just the passerby who favorited one image--

thank you so fucking much.