i have been thinking since yesterday about eric clapton and his terrible loss of his young son and the song he wrote about it. if i were not distracted by my own immediate business i would be in sobbing tears - even so, the song keeps repeating itself in my head, as do images of photographs i saw of him and his son, and my imagination's "footage" of the boy falling from the window. even as i have different music playing and occupy myself with business it continues to replay and replay. i can only imagine that for eric clapton and lori del santo the minutes surrounding his death must have replayed every moment of every day for years, and that there is no end to it within their conscious lifetimes.
the only way to have compassion is to experience the suffering of another as one's own to the extent possible.
on the one hand i feel grateful that i haven't yet experienced such cause of grief; but on the other i don't think i can ignore the grief of others, even people i've never met. the quotation keka_moe recently included in his journal entry from the book of james has stuck with me.
i am not a christian in any but the most liberally interpreted sense, but the statement rings true in my mind and heart. it goes "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." apathy, callousness, indifference, sincere sadism, base exclusive selfishness; these are what i interpret as "pollution" by the spirit of the first verse.
in any conventional sense i am atheist; but i do not believe in atheism. i do not hold it up as a shield to protect me from the irrational, unknowable, incomprehensible universe. i do not shield myself by it from god. i have had experiences of god; they are contradictory, or rather paradoxical. they demonstrate to me that the conventional conceptions of god are the god of stasis; but god, if you can follow the logic of the ultimate, is the stasis of all, infinite, dynamism. "god" is is a noise we make to designate this indesignable ultimate; it may as well be aum or
blah or any gibberish. the word does not change the referent, nor does it cause it to be apprehendable except in the fantasy of delusion. god is a conception, but god is beyond conception. i hope that statement communicates. i do not have unshakeable faith in words. i do not have unshakeable faith in linguistically constructed conceptual models, except insofar as i recognize them as models. those which i do not recognize i may yet learn, cognize, and thereafter *re*cognize. do you understand?
time can bring you down
time can bend your knee
time can break your heart
have you begging please
"time" in the personal sense is all that is experienced; it is in this sense synonymous with an individual's experienced life, as it occurs in its context. all life includes suffering, misery, agony, in their various characters, alloys, durations, intensities. i'd like to believe they all also include joy and the other opposites of the three varieties of experience called "negative", but i don't think they all do. however, many human lives at least do contain both "positive" and "negative" elements. i don't believe it is healthy to neglect negativity; in doing so you negate the necessary reciprocal of life. as alan watts often pointed out, you cannot have a back without a front, a one without an other, whatever the particular expression of each. i think that that is a valid principle even if it is not always so simply or even recognizably expressed in any given situation.
i have experienced gradually building over the past let's say 6 months, or even 2 years, or even longer, an upsurge of positivity in my personal experience. i have been making acquaintance and even the buds of friendship with people, and thinking about them and caring, really caring in a visceral and not merely, rather sterile, intellectual capacity, for them and for everyone. somehow it seems that this is an attitude that is either on the general increase, or maybe was always there and i'm only just now pulling my head out of my ass enough to notice, but i don't know in what terms to express myself in regards to it; except that i am thankful for it, to whatever agency(ies) are responsible, even including myself, who and whatever i am, that this is so. and this gratitude is becoming profounder, more real, every day. so to everyone reading this, i thank you, for yourselves and everything that you offer, even if you don't realize what you offer, or that you offer. "positive", "negative" both and other, i thank you and i love you. and i love you. and i love you.