The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

One of the easiest things in the world, for me, is creating a character. I can design them, give them a personality, give them flaws, get into their mind, and role play with them all night! However when it comes to describing myself, that's a little bit more difficult. I know that a lot of people have that problem, because you can't be entirely impartial or self-deprecating about yourself, but I tried my best. Anyway, here goes!

I'm introverted and very anxiety ridden. However I'm very good at interacting with lots of different kinds of people and I can appear extroverted when I need to... I'm just not, really. I only have so much energy I can expend on interaction and once that energy is gone I have to escape. I'm kind of a social chameleon around people I don't know. I'm good at reading people's emotions and personalities so I adapt well. I have a really hard time holding onto friendships unless we are in VERY regular contact, although I want to be friends with everyone. I can't lie or hide my emotions because my face is very... animated... but I don't like to discuss my problems really, even though people tend to poke me until I tell them what they are. I also have a difficult time explaining when I'm upset or angry or sad, because most of the time I don't understand why I am. I enjoy being the assistant, I'm not very much of a leader. I'm very pro-peace and hate blood, war, and violence. I'm extremely liberal just because I think that it's nice to share and for everyone to be able to have nice things. I don't hate anyone, truly, although there are people I dislike. Despite the fact I dislike people, I would never wish them death or anything bad. I would rather everyone be entitled to the same chance at a happy life as anyone else.

I absolutely ADORE cute things and they make me happiest, especially when it comes to art and characters. I get really focused on completing tasks and have no definitive hobby. I enjoy making others happy because that makes me happy, hence why I made LPES and have spent so much on it. My biggest fear is death and being hated. So the majority of the time I always walk a tight rope, hiding when I need to or finding another way to escape, then apologizing for it later. I find it very hard to face my problems head on and avoid confrontation like the plague. I'm constantly paranoid that people don't like me ^^;;. I'm a push over and will help anyone if they directly ask me to, even if it's to my physical or mental detriment. I'm incredibly weak to be the size I am and have no active desire to change that.

I really like structure... a lot. I like my compartmentalized life. I don't particularly like leaving the house and doing things because we live in such a small town with little to do, and large crowds in grocery stores and department stores tend to scare me. For some reason I can do it in Portland, because it's the only place in the world where I don't feel judged, but moving there someday seems like a bleak possibility. I also dislike a lot of weird things... like bats, people not closing the shower curtain, people that have a very high opinion of themselves, cracking joints, feet, dishonest people (even if I'd rather be lied to sometimes just to save my heart from being broken and never told about it), and several other little things I can't immediately think of. I absolutely love playing as a child character because it's both cute and innocent, and it helps me escape my adult obligations and personal problems.

I love to read and write, but I hate television. I very rarely watch movies or television shows. What I do watch is mostly anime, and I just watch that on my computer. Generally I dislike video games and social platforms like Second Life because it feels artificial, but yet I spend the large majority of my day behind my laptop. I am easily attached to people and easily hurt in turn. I have a very low opinion of myself and next to no self-confidence. I think that's why this fandom appeals to me so much, because I can be someone else. I really love my mate a lot but I think of her in a very strange way... She's my lover, my mother, my sister and my friend. I absolutely love it when she does things for me because it makes me feel kiddy, but my brain feels like I'm being a misogynist when I don't help out as much as I could.

I absolutely can't stand being called a baby, and I don't take being picked on very well. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's usually pretty easily broken. I also have a lot of things about my sexuality that I go back and forth on, concerning whether I like it or not. Although I reason that at the end of the day I am who I am and I can't change it. I'm absolutely terrible at science and math, but I adore the humanities and literature. I like philosophy, history, sociology, psychology, and figuring out what makes people tick. I also love learning new things and expanding my horizons, as well as teaching people new things, as long as they enjoy it. I'm a big sharer and want to share everything I love with the world, so I get kinda discouraged when I get little to no feed back ^^;;.

I desperately want someone in my life who will take my laptop away from me, make me leave the house, and be a semi-normal person. I'm usually pretty dizzy and tired because of my medicine, but despite all that and my hatred of leaving the house... I know I need to. It's just very hard to overcome that desire. I'm a terrible multi-tasker. I think that my brain operates on a single-core processor. I have a hard time Skyping more than one person at once, much less having a conversation in real life while I'm on my computer. I also have a fear of video and voice chat >.>. If multiple people start demanding things of me then I freak out and have an anxiety attack, every time.

I apologize for the disjointed nature of the diatribe.