Sign In
Close
Can't believe my first journal to Weasyl is a rant-heavy one. by Talynn
Usually I am very reserved about these things. Usually I like to keep to myself a lot of the time, and keep alot of things bottled up and personal, just so I don't appear to be excessively bitchy, or something. I always have this fear of constantly being judged, but this is because I've also given harsh judgment in the past. I don't do it anymore, as I've come to realize everyone has their way, but its just so much convoluted bullshit and emotional baggage that still lingers with me. Maybe this journal can be a step in the direction of bieng more open with people, and more interactive, I dunno. all I know is, I need to say something before all this...stuff makes me crack and break.
So, a recent conversation with a friend of mine, who I was very interested in doing some work with, and had in the past playfully (if encouragingly so) nudged him that he should commission me, made a comment about another artist, and their quality, and their price and how it was, offhand, better than mine. Not only was the comment offhanded, but it was also regarded as a minor thing. In one way, I could see where he was coming from, but in another way, and the way that I personally took it, was that it was deeply insulting and heart-breaking, to me. A friend, whom I have known, and liked for some time, makes this comment about my art being not nearly as good or worth the price that it is...Unbelievable.
Maybe my art isn't worth its price. Maybe my skills aren't worth anything, and all this time, my strides to everything that I am and what I want to do with my art has been for nothing. I don't even know anymore. Between my constant struggle with depression, always trying to find ways of improving my life-state and attitude, and the ever-increasing stress of internal affairs with my family, its hard for me to remotely enjoy my art anymore, let alone get the time to really sink into it. It seems like every minute I am in my room I am interrupted by family to do this, or to do that, and once I am finally done with all these demands theres just so little time for me to put into my art, let alone get into the groove of drawing.
I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm about to completely break underneath all of this pressure, and neither my family, nor a number of my friends are listening. They hear, but they do not listen. They see, but they do not observe. (Pft, classy, Talynn, quoting Sherlock.) So, with only one way left for me to express myself, aside from my addiction to games, which makes a very nice distraction from all of these problems, I write to you now. I write, in hope, somebody wants to talk or listen, somebody wants to have a nice conversation with me, or something, anything. cause at this point I really don't know what else to do. It feels like my life is about to completely become undone, and there's nothing I can do to stop it...I feel so helpless, and my life has absolutely no meaning. Just, some part of a machine, or another brick in the wall, something to that extent.
Journal Information
- Views:
- 224
- Comments:
- 7
- Favorites:
- 0
- Rating:
- General
Comments
-
-
I know what you mean.
-
-
For starters, I feel relieved that this is actually about something much more personal, rather than venting about some person you've never met and simply responding to "He said she said" ualuealuealeuale.
So you deserve a much better response than being ignored - and in fact, you deserve to have someone to speak to. I know we haven't really had much of a chance to talk (Given that I first saw you on #mechafurs ) but... well, do you want to?
-
I've hardened much since a couple years ago. The random babble and rabble of a random person these days goes in one ear and out the other, without giving me much affect. When it comes to a friend, or someone, or people who I hold in high regard, however...Thats where it still gets me. I value all of my friends very greatly, as well as family, for what is someone without their friends, family, and strong connections? They are alone and solitary. Some people like to be like that, but I feel more comfortable being connected to my friends and my family.
My IM information is on the main page of my Weasyl. I prefer to be contacted through Steam or Skype, both of which aren't too hard to find. Skype is Talynn31, Steam is just Talynn.
-
-
As a small piece of advice, I know there are people who are willing to help, talk and interact with you, but maybe a journal, pointing in general directions and waiting for response isnt as effecient as directly approaching your friends? You need to get up and search for what brings you happieness, and solace, and not dwell on the spot, trying to find out how to deal with it.
I know depression, I know an unloving abusive family, and i know the feeling of being completely alone. And I know that it is not healthy to just sit there and wait for someone to get you out of that, because the only one able to do it, is yourself.
You know I am always up and ready for talking, yet we ever only talked in your streams. You know your art is worth something, so maybe you shouldnt value evaluations of others so high. First of all you need selfesteem, and you need to find out what you really want. then you can go and start working for it. Friends are there to help you and support you, but not to carry you, if you dont want to walk on your own. Dont stop and go forward, evenntually you will reach a plateau to see new opportunities.
Find your inner center and take strength from it, since no building can stand tall, when its inner sctructures are weak.Then make up your mind about what you really want to achieve, set precise goals and work for them. If i have learned anything from my past life, then that luck is made, not received, so go and make your own luck.
-
My family is in no way unloving or abusive, they are simply...oblivious, a lot of the time. I got to talk to my mother this morning and voice my concerns and problems, and she listened with an open ear. She understood the problems going on, and there was a widespread agreement that there's a lot of ... trouble going on. We're going to work on what we can to fix things up.
as for everything else you said, perhaps you are right. But I value my friends very much, as my friends have helped me every step of the way to where I am now. My confidence, my esteem, my ideas, all of it was brought together by the help of my friends. And in turn, I do what I can to return that help to my friends, help them strengthen themselves and become better, in whatever way I can offer assistance to them. For me to...completely devalue their own opinion as well would completely go back on the very foundation that I created, and help lay for others, as well.
Perhaps, a more "Take it with a grain of salt" approach should be taken at times, when it comes to my friends. Rather than become deeply affected, positively or negatively, of what my friends say or what they feel.
-
Well I am glad your family can work that out, because still, unloving and abusive is what my family brings to me. Also, I dont say to devalue your friends opinions, but as you correctly said- dont let it kill you so much if its not pleasant to hear.
Eveything else, seems to be working quite well no? You have the will to move forward, so things will in fact move forward with you, and people who are worth it, will stay by your side as friends and family. Its the right think you cherish what your fiends brought you mostly, and that you want to bring them the same, i do it the same way and it is the right thing to do. Keep going man, I think youre on track, having depressive aches every now and then is just part of the journey.
-
-
Link
StormyChang
I know those feelings.. I've had people I'm close to make such comments without thinking about the impact it has, and then refuse to listen to anything I may have to say.. >.> Though, usually it's by people who don't have any artistic talent and they don't understand the full breadth of the labor that goes into creating a single piece. The stress, the reworking, the pure amount of time and other things.