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The importance of transitioning by Cowboypunk
Since so many people are migrating here, I'll start posting trans* stuff here, too.
I was recently interviewed for reference about being transmale from a guy who's writing a book intended to spread information and understanding to Mormon communities about trans people and help alleviate common religious biases against the trans community. I figured I'd post the bits regarding my transition and the importance and urgency of it; partly because that's what this blog is about and partly because I feel like I don't see people stressing the necessity of transitioning and being accepted by our gender identity enough.
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When I realized I was trans in college, it took about a year to parse out what that was and what it meant to me and, early on, my explanations and definitions were pretty muddy and dumb. I knew there was something up, but I didn't know exactly how other aspects of my identity, thoughts and emotions played into it. After understanding what my gender identity was, it was a fairly quick realization that I needed to transition. At first, I didn't want to, I thought I could be okay just knowing what this is and living as a girl - everyone handles it a little differently and there a a couple of trans people I know that don't want to transition for various reasons. While I felt wrong and weird about being a girl, I actually thought I was really attractive and didn't really want to mess that up, so I thought maybe I could live without transitioning too. The month after that decision sort of solidified, I happened to end up having to interact with a lot of people. I normally work from home and am pretty reclusive, so interacting with people was pretty much relegated to getting groceries twice a month. That month taught me REAL quick that I could not stand live as a woman anymore. I told everyone I wanted to be referred to as male and started using a more masculine name. I found a local gender therapist, who was conveniently only 3 miles away from me, and started making plans to get top surgery - the one thing I really wanted. I didn't want to do hormone therapy at the time, I thought it might be too much for me since I like to be fairly androgynous, but short hair and tshirts only goes so far for passing as male to people that don't know you. I'm tiny, adorable, have lips so red and eyelashes so long and dark I automatically look like I'm wearing makeup, and the smallest voice of anyone I know. I was not getting along on just that.
After a year of seeing my therapist, explaining things I already knew, I got my letter to start testosterone. I planned on only taking half doses and stopping when my voice dropped enough that I could pass more easily in public. I felt pretty certain that it was going to help me with dysphoria, but I did NOT expect it to be as beneficial as it has been. After the first two months I went to full doses and there is no way anyone will convince me to stop now. Just four or so months in, I was significantly less plagued by dysphoria and, more importantly, I had a perspective from where I could see how much of a plague it really was. I think living with it for my whole life made it seem normal to me; I thought everyone felt this bad when they said they didn't like photos taken of them, I thought everyone felt this bad when they said they couldn't find clothes they liked, when they didn't like what they saw in the mirror, or couldn't make friends very well, or didn't like being social. Turns out, no, feeling that bad is really obviously not what everyone else feels. Social interaction, photos and video are the primary triggers for my dysphoria and I would spend days or weeks at a time after events involving those in a crippling depression, often preoccupied with thoughts of suicide. A year after starting hormone therapy, I can take photos of myself and even post them online without needing to be consistently drunk for the next couple of weeks so that I'm not stuck in a place where I can only think of hanging myself. The only thing I'm really concerned with is how much of a dork I look like. THIS is what everyone else has been feeling. They're all just concerned with looking like dorks, or things not fitting quite right or not being quite as attractive as someone else. It's really relieving to know that I wasn't just bad at life and that everyone else had way less to deal with, and really revealing of how toxic gender dysphoria is.
While it rarely happens anymore, I'm still extremely uncomfortable with being seen or referred to as female; even just one slip up can turn my day to shit and I will very likely obsess over it for the next day or two. I tell anyone who knew me as a girl that if they can't get over or refuse to stop calling me "she", they will not be seeing much of me anymore. It's too dangerous for me to be around and asking me to is asking too much of me. It's nothing against them (unless they're refusing to stop, in which case they're just an asshole as far as I'm concerned), I just cannot handle it.
When it comes up, the one thing I really want to stress is the importance of transitioning when being trans. Mostly because a lot of cisgender people seem to think that trans people just need to adjust to being their birth sex, and pushing this or trying to do this can be extremely dangerous. Not every trans person needs to transition, but many do and right now it's really our only method of treating gender dysphoria. My significant other has asked me once before I started testosterone and again recently, if the option existed, would I opt for getting rid of the dysphoria, making me okay with being female, or would I still opt to transition as male. Both times, I told him that I would opt to transition. I think the dysphoria is an inherent aspect of gender incongruency as a part of human identity. I think that, even if I didn't feel as bad about being female, I would still feel wrong, and to get rid of the feeling of wrongness would simply remove the gender incongruency altogether and my identity would be woman instead of whatever it is now. Basically, I think that option would make me a different person, whereas transitioning just makes my hormone levels different and leaves me less lumpy in ways I don't like.
The importance of transitioning
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Comments
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Thanks! I noticed tons of people on FA (and subsequently here) are trans or questioning, so I'm hoping it can help reach out to those who feel a little lost or those who just don't know much about it.
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Thank you so much for sharing! It confuses me when folks ask if trans* folk would rather "just be comfortable" with their birth sex... it doesn't even seem like something worthwhile to bring up. That's not the POINT. Would I rather not be lesbian? No... why even ask such an invasive and invalidating thing?
Again, thanks for sharing. Though I know several trans men IRL, I am still doing my best to inform myself.
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Not supporting, jut explaining - part of the reason someone would ask the question is simply because people don't think through it, at all. If you want to get nit-picky, it is easier not to change yourself. You don't have to move, you don't have to make any announcements, no one has to treat you any differently... if you isolate it to just the decision, it is absolutely the path of least resistance.
What a lot of people don't seem to ever factor in, though, is that decisions (or the lack there-of) do not exist in a vacuum! Even if I had decided to go the easy route and "stay female," yeah, life would be "simpler," but it would also be WAY worse! For myself and others who need varying stages of transition in order to maintain mental and psychological well-being, asking why we didn't just "get comfy with [the way we were]," is kind of like asking why someone sick was ~so worried~ about the medicine that'd help them get better.
TL;DR It's not just invasive and invalidating, it's just plain dumb! People are dumb. Also hi Kittiara, holy bananas do I love your work ; u;
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Yeah, this really helps explain the sentiment... I feel like the biggest thing I want to say to people who want to say 'why not just...' as if it's super easy/exists in a vacuum (good word choice!) that they should please trust the individual to know themselves better than an outsider looking in.
GOSH thank you <3
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This!
It's very frustrating because I really want to be mad at people who say these things, but they're just ignorant and I can't really blame someone for being ignorant of another person's personal experiences - particularly when it's something that gets very little decent publicity, like trans* people.
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SpottyJaguar is totally right on it.
Although, I think it's particularly weird because it's just like "OH, BECAUSE I HADN'T THOUGHT OF TRYING THAT BEFORE."
Like telling people with depression to try not being sad. O OK-
ugh exactly :[ WOW GEE THANKS FOR SHOWING ME THE LIGHT
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Thanks for writing this, I always like to learn more about this. A few years ago I didn't really know much about any of this, my mom had just said, "People who feel like they're born in the wrong body" and it was a little vague, because everyone's different, and she's one of many who believe anyone who is trans* want to go through massive surgery.
I discovered that a best friend of mine was trans* and I realized then I had been a bit close minded in accepting that I must call them now by male pronouns. But I wanted him to be happy, so I started doing so, and it turned out to be easier than I thought. My friend has taught me a lot about everything, and he is someone who mostly just wants to go on hormones and not go through surgery. After I learned some things from him, I got really interested in gender studies, and I started to read up on a lot of it. I won't say I'm an expert at all, but I'm happy to know about this more than i used to, and being even more open minded.
Sorry, i kinda rambled! I guess I felt like talking about this too. I'm supportive of you no matter what, and I'm really happy that the hormone therapy has been going well for you.
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No worries! I like rambling. Mostly because I do it a lot :I
Your support is incredibly appreciated! And your understanding will cheer up the day of any trans person who's having trouble being accepted.It seems like we, as a culture/society, are just now stepping into the idea that not all trans* people want to get the same kind of treatments. Most national statistics regarding the trans community revolve around those who have gotten sex reassignment surgery and, honestly, of the few hundred trans people I've met and followed and read of, only a handful have actually had it.
The "born in the wrong body" explanation has always been kind of frustrating to me. I get that it's kind of the simplest way to get the idea across to cisgender people, but I don't think it's very effective or explanatory. It doesn't really explain WHY is bad or HOW bad it is, it just gets the most basic concept across. I also just can't see how a cisgender person would hear that and think "yes! I totally get what your position is now!" - they have NO idea what that sort of experience is like or how to relate to it, and it's just so much more complex and overbearing and insidious than that line can do justice. It's also weird because I don't feel like I have the wrong body, I just feel like mine's kinda messed up. I really do like A LOT about me and it feels like it's the right skin to be in, I just don't like (most of) the girly parts.
(Sorry for long-ass comments, I have a bad habit, lol)
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I hope everyone can continue to be educated on the matter, I really hate so much misinformation floating around. I'm happy I learned more though, it's also actually helped me learn about my own gender identity a bit, which I started questioning for the first time in my life. I guess society just expects you to be happy with what you're labeled all your life and it never occurred to me before.
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I really like the last paragraph, I've never viewed it in the way that transitioning does keep us the same person, just a much happier version of ourself [generally speaking]. As opposed to the idea of "if there was a way to remove dysphoria" that would change us completely.
Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you for sharing your experience. As a person who does not know a lot about the trans* community, I have a few questions. Please do not feel obligated to answer them if they make you uncomfortable.
How do you feel when someone refuses to address you by the proper gender pronouns? What specific thoughts go through your mind? And does it matter whether it is intentional or by accident?
Regardless of whether or not you choose to answer these questions, I appreciate your journal and I wish you well in your transition. Thank you again for sharing.
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Honestly, I'll probably answer any questions regarding trans stuff. I'm pretty comfortable with it all at this point, and I know there's a lot lacking as far as informational publicity goes for the trans* community. Plus I think it's all pretty interesting, so I like talking about it! Don't be at all shy if you ever have any questions! :)
If somebody outright refuses to use proper pronouns after being asked to do so, I either think they are either ignorant or willfully ignorant and/or malicious:
If they're just ignorant, that's okay. I simply can't expect everyone to know and understand this very personal and relatively uncommon perspective. Ignorance is a state that can be alleviated by just explaining that it is important and to not comply is ultimately harmful for the other party, if initially uncomfortable or unusual to do. It might take them a bit to understand or get accustomed to, but it seems like a lot of people eventually do.
If they KNOW that it's unwanted, then they are either refusing to accept that it's harmful in any way and I will probably not be able to talk them out of it, or they're doing it specifically to cause harm. In this case, I pretty much regard them as irredeemable and just go find someone that will listen and give a shit about me.Recently, while visiting family the one time of year I do, I had to ask my brother not to refer to me as "she" (my family, while supportive, are still adjusting to pronouns), he laughed and said something along the lines of "I'm just not going to get used to that." and continued to deny it after I asserted he would. I try to be extremely clear, but never pushy, about pronoun stuff because I know it can take time for others to get used to, but it pissed me off. From my perspective he's being really petty; it's a very serious problem for me, and there's no way he has some life-threatening need to call me "she" instead of "he". I later explained that gender dysphoria is heavily associated with depression and suicidality, even in children, and that was a big part of my experience. He said he just didn't ever realize it was that big of a deal; he gets it now.
There are also people out there who will just absolutely insist on calling you by whatever is in your pants. As far as I'm concerned, if someone is defining an individual - full of complex and unique biology, history, thoughts, emotions, experiences, and traits - primarily by the state of their crotch, then they're probably more than a little lost on what makes up a person; my words in a short (or possibly a very long) conversation are likely not going to enlighten their views and will only expose me to more of their toxicity. I'll do what I can, but I'm not going to stick around.
Really, though, this is about how I judge anyone regarding social comfort levels. If someone innocently asks you not to do something and explains that they're really uncomfortable with it, and you don't without having a reason not to comply, you're just an ass. Whether it's discussing certain subjects, making certain jokes, or simple habits or actions; we already do it with names and nicknames, it shouldn't be any different with pronouns - and I mean, honestly, it takes very little effort to just be conscious of a few words (although, admittedly, wholly new pronoun sets like ze, xe, or ve can be fairly difficult to integrate)
(Sorry for the freaking walls of text!)
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No it's okay, I appreciate your detailed response! I agree with you completely, and I think your requests are very reasonable. Choosing to continue doing something that has little effect on you but makes another person feel sad and uncomfortable is just... mean. What's the point?
However my question was more about what does gender dysphoria feel like, not how you deal with the people who incite it. I want to understand how it makes you feel, which is why I was hesitant to ask because I didn't want you to dwell on sour thoughts and memories just for my curiosity's sake. I know how it can feel when people prod about the more sensitive parts of your life.
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Oh, I see, I interpreted "what are your thoughts at the time" as "what are your thoughts on people doing this." My mistake! And no worries, I feel like more of this needs to be out there and I feel like I've gotten to a point where I can handle a lot of it by now.
Basically, when someone refers to me as a girl, it makes me very, very aware that I am female. It's something I forget, normally, and they're bringing it into my conscious mind. I become painfully self conscious and anxious, and the incident often keeps replaying in my mind for anywhere between a few hours to a few days for just one slip. By Painfully self conscious, I mean that I literally cannot stop thinking about myself, and if anything I'm doing at any given moment is acceptable or fake or wrong. I question if I'm standing correctly, if each word I say makes me sound like I'm not a normal person, if my arms are in a position that others will find unusual, if I'm using my hands improperly, etc. If someone kept referring to me as female over a period of time, a day or two of anxiety is likely joined with a week or more of depression (where I will often need to smoke and/or drink) and is exacerbated the longer referring to me as female occurs. If someone is doing so in blatant malice, I'm mostly just angry. I still get the same anxiety and self consciousness, but it's overshadowed by frustration and disdain. I seem to get less depression in these cases, and I think because it registers as less of a fault in me presenting enough masculinity on my part to counterbalance my femininity and more like a fault of compassion on their part.
In any case, it'll EVENTUALLY fade away and I can move on with my life.
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I think to myself sometimes that If I ever meet you in real life, I'm just going to think of Buck Tudrussel (From Time Squad) younger Brother.
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Omg, pfft, basically, lol
:|
I'm going to go eat cheese now.
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"Mostly because a lot of cisgender people seem to think that trans people just need to adjust to being their birth sex, and pushing this or trying to do this can be extremely dangerous"
Personally, as a cisgendered person, I think you need to be what you know you are. And what you are, is up to you and nobody else.
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Wow, Mormons! I'm curious—and feel free, of course, not to indulge my curiosity—is this author a member of the LDS church, or is this book being written in some less official capacity? I grew up around lots of Mormons, and my experiences taught me that, while those communities definitely needed some education on that front, I shouldn't hold my breath. We live in interesting times!
Either way, mad props for having the courage to share your story.
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I'm not sure, I didn't ask him. I hope he gets some decent readership, though!
Yeah, it's really seemed like that community needs a lot of information on this (or really any sort of fundamentalist leaning religious group, it always seems like they want to push the hardest against the T of LGBT), especially because there are inevitably trans kids growing up in that environment :<
Although, to brighten up your day on the subject!: http://transascity.org/a-moms-thoughts-on-i-am-a-girl-article/Also, out of nowhere: Your icon is Egon Schiele, right? I adore Egon Schiele's art.
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A story about a self-describing "conservative Republican from the Deep South, raised with Southern Baptist beliefs" supporting her transgender daughter's identity feels like sunshine melting snow off my face. Oh man.
Also Schiele taught me everything I know about line, ribcages, and studying Klimt. (I.e., precious little, but I kept my notes.)
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Link
KajTaotsu
I keep trying to figure out what to say to this, but the only thing that sticks in my mind is that the journal is really interesting (granted I woke up a couple hours ago and am still groggy, lol). This is honestly one of the few stories Ive heard people tell about their experience as a trans* person, and I feel such telling of experiences can help aid the awareness even more so than some of the running posts and reblogs on tumblr.
Id love to learn more from ya with future posts!