I'll apologise in advanced, this was going to be a pretty short journal but then it sorta spiraled out of control from thoughts as I wrote.
It's a weird title I know, but it's probably the closest terminology I can think to my current predicament, I briefly went over this on twitter but, it's twitter, hell no this isn't gonna fit there. I'm in the middle of arranging a commission but they asked for some description or keywords of Hedoro's personality.
He's basically an exaggerated version of me without the vast amount of inhibitions which tend to hold me back normally. But I can't very well just say that, the artist doesn't even know me, so I've been thinking for the last few hours, what even am I really, how would I even sum myself up?
I'm kinda snobby and lazy, after years of thinking about it when I can't sleep I get that much, but that isn't really much to go by, and I've never really been able to figure much else out about myself otherwise.
It's kinda like being an amnesiac, except with memories, I think. I remember some of my life, things I've done, but I don't know who I am, I've never really been able to figure that out. My behavior completely changes depending on who I'm spending time with, who my friends are at the time, who I'm in love with, I change completely, and it's happened so many times I don't really know where my starting point was.
Even my becomming a furry was due to this sort of thing, I just ended up at FA after yet another relationship and friendship simultaneously collapsed, I went there because I had nowhere better to go, furries creeped me out and when I've little else to do, I do or make things "ironically" in opposition to what I feel I dislike. But much like with basically everything else I've done like that, I adapted to and began enjoying the position I was in, I made friends and began changing to be more like them, and since then have had several more friendships and relationships collapse, again changing my behavior each time.
In my current position I don't really feel I properly have either, I feel like a hanger-on around the people I wish to consider friends, and it was my own fault my last relationship fucked up, so I don't know what I am, or how I'd even begin to describe that.